Dismals Canyon — Attraction in Russellville

If you're reading this, you were smart enough not to just trust the website. Good for you! You were smarter than we were. Heed my warning below.

This ain't for chubby mid 30 year olds who like food, travel, mid tier luxury items and boutique hotels. When you pee in the bathrooms, and choose to ignore my warnings, you'll understand what those showers are for when you come back. If you make it out. We headed down the decline towards the gift shop. The handicap sign showing the runaway wheelchair was the first warning. We giggled. The canyon heard us. BIG MISTAKE. HUGE!

The outdoor seating area with fireplace and TV is as far as hoofing it as we should of went. If you go in that gift shop, that narrow behind better go back out the door in which it came. Don't be us. We bought the wristband. We were curious. Our second omen? The GPS coordinates of the canyon are ON THE WRISTBANDS.

The cashier did us dirty. She knew we had no business doing this. Had we filled out the non existent questionnaire of interests and health conditions, we would of been ejected from the property. Awe nah. Cash paying customer? You can do it!!

No one told us we needed survival gear. No one told us we weren't dressed for the occasion. The website doesn't mention what you should wear. Rock candy won't hydrate you. BUY THE BOTTLED WATER. Better yet, just bring one of those drinking straws with the filter on it to drink from the stream on the canyon floor. Much lighter in weight.

Cleats are appropriate. Flip flops are not. Cooling neck gaiters and a personal fan recommended. Wear garments that provide proper support and protect yourself from chafing. Trust me on this. A sheer, sleeveless shirt from your clubbing days will keep you cool too. Wear the shortest, lightest shorts you can possibly buy.

You got the map, right? Did you read about the waterfall and hearing it so many yards away? Well? The soothing waterfall sounds are LIES! That's the canyon laughing so hard it's crying. Hysterically. At us. Ya know what else that map didn't mention? A SNAKE'S DEN!!! But there was a sign. My best friend pleaded with me to turn around. Becky, I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you. Just keep going, I said. We're halfway there, I said.

You'll crawl, slip, trip, bump, scrape, lacerate, herniate, scream, gasp, cry and sweat. Take the NSAID's after your "hike." You'll need clotting factors.

About halfway through, our legs were shaking from our toes digging into our overpriced geriatric flip flops for constant traction. You're gonna have to wade through water. The shock to our bodies by the 50 degree water gave us an adrenaline rush. We no longer cared for safety. Just. Get. Out. Alive.

I kept praying for a broken ankle. I was ready to whip out the Mastercard and pay their $100 rescue fee. In that moment, short term disability sounded like a treat. I was delusional from lack of hydration. Clearly.

It's hot. So hot. Don't go when it's 90 degrees outside. Just don't. Turn around. Don't drown in your own bodily fluids. The kids in front of us had parents offer to carry their able, young bodies. Becky and I almost fought the children for that opportunity. We screamed for Bear Grylls. He couldn't hear us. We were in the canyon.

You make it back to the waterfall? Oh hunty. Now you gotta go up 95 flights of stairs to get OUT of the canyon. Make it back to the gift shop? Water, Tylenol and ibuprofen. STAT. A man asked if I wanted a menu? No!! I want to puke or pass out. My body hasn't decided yet. Get out of my way, Sparky. PRO TIP: Open the drink cooler for an additional blast of cold air.

The look of fear on people's faces heading in as we ran out...I quickly realized I had no poker face. The world was ending and I was slowly dying inside. I threw on my sunglasses to hide the light I no longer had in my eyes. Those showers? Yeah. You'll want one. And a change of...

We stayed at the Dismals Canyon campsites and took the canyon Dismalites tour. First, the campsite. The employees at check-in (and booking on the phone) were all courteous and pleasant. They gave us a map of the campsite and one of the canyons. We passed our parking area 3 times looking for it and finally realized that the wide spot on the side of the road was it. (See picture) I guess they consider having your car pulled 5 feet off the highway to be parking. We were grateful every time we came back to the car and it was still there and in one piece. It also advertised that we were camping there, which could have invited someone with bad intentions to come to our camp. The "security gate" was laughable, because if you walked 30 feet in either direction the fence just stopped (see picture). We were the only campers there that night and we felt very isolated. Going to the bathroom involved a trek of 300 yards up the path, across the highway, through another security gate, and up another hill. Try doing that in the dark! The path down to the campsite had what might charitably be called steps made of deck wood, but carrying our gear down them was still difficult. We were told when booking that the campsite only had a fire ring, a picnic table and a trash can. In spite of that being the case, the campsite was lovely (see picture). The waterfall (see picture) was beautiful and the small cave outcropping had a lot of Dismalites on it that we could see at night. While breathtaking, the noise from the waterfall would have masked anyone, animal or person, walking into our camp which added to our uneasiness.

We packed light this time, so we didn't bring our own firewood, thinking we would just buy some at the general store. The "bundles" of wood were little more than kindling, being just sticks they had picked up off the forest floor (see picture). I highly suggest you bring your own wood!

As for the canyon exploration we did during the day, there are no signs telling you where the markers on the map are, so we just spent 2 hours wandering around lost hoping we were heading in the right direction. The scenery is beautiful, but if you're lost you are just looking for a clue as to where you are on the map. The trail was well cut, but there were dozens of offshoots that ended in dead ends or who-knows-where to get lost on. When we took the Dismalites tour that night the guide (who was magnificent, by the way) told us that during COVID they had many of their signs stolen from the canyon and he (a volunteer) was replacing them when he had time. At $30.00 per head going in, can the owners not afford to buy new signage? For that matter, can they not afford a Port-O-John or something across the road at the campsites? (We paid $83.00 per night there.) And for the safety of campers, finish that fence! I got the feeling that the owners haven't put much money back into this attraction, just riding the income like a cash cow. If you want to see the Dismalites, I would recommend just booking the tour if you can and stay at a hotel if you can't drive home afterward (the tour started about 8:30 and lasted about an hour and a half.) The guide is great and the bugs are definitely worth seeing (only a few places on earth where you can), but unless you like rustic dry camping or testing your land navigation skills exploring the canyon for the whole afternoon with a useless map, I would recommend waiting until the owners put some money back into upkeep and improvements before committing to anything there but the guided tour. (And tip the guide well, he's a dedicated volunteer who works a full time job outside...

We live in the Birmingham area, so Dismals Canyon is close enough for a day trip (though this is the first time we have ever been). We took our family of 6 (including our 4 yr old). Others were there with babies in harnesses. It is definitely family friendly outdoors activity. HOWEVER this is an outdoors experience and all that comes with it. The only bathroom on the property for guests is right inside the gate. Go before your hike! Also, wear comfortable shoes, and be prepared to get a little dirty. The website helps with keeping registration as quick as possible and you can print off a very limited detail map with the popular stops throughout the canyon. When we were waiting in line to pay for our registration, others in line were asking to take pictures of our map. There is a lot of stairs to get down to the canyon floor and natural steps as well as manmade steps throughout the canyon. There are some very slippery spots on some trails and you must sign a waiver to enter. It's nature... You could fall, get bitten by snakes, or a million other things. Though, we didn't see anything of the sort ot have any issues on our trip. Everyone had a great time. Took lots of pictures of the natural surroundings that are untouched by fire or axe. And the paper that accompanies the map gives some history about the stops throughout the canyon. The waterfalls were fun to look at and just the size of some of the boulders were amazing. There were foot bridges and some small wooden bridges to walk across. Now the cons... I already mentioned the bathroom situation. So if you are still reading I am sure these won't be deal breakers... There are no picnics allowed in the canyon. So if you get hungry you have to stop in at the country store and get something there. They have a lot of concession stand food like burgers, hot dogs, corn dogs, chicken fingers, fries, chips, etc. We had all of the aforementioned items and they were all really good. Also, a pro for some, but could be a con if you're a smoker: There is no smoking on the property. You can walk outside the gate at the front to get a quick drag if you want to smoke before/after your hike. There are some moderately challenging spots on the trails, but there are usually some easier paths if you just look for them. We look forward to going back and staying in the cabins. Also, the night tours were all booked so we did not get the opportunity to see one of the biggest attractions to the canyon. So we look forward to coming back for that as well. All in all, it was a great trip and the kids (who are normally more of an air conditioning and video game group) had a blast. Definitely recommend for a fun family...