I am 59 years old and, after decades of traditional psychotherapy – including talk therapy of various types, 3 years of psychoanalysis (5 days per week on the couch) – as well as EMDR, 3 years of Somatic Experiencing therapy and 9 months of Internal Family Systems therapy, I was very familiar with my inner life. My work in therapy had given me tremendous insight into what I had experienced in childhood and adolescence and its effects on me.
In addition, my decades-long practice of meditation and yoga had also been beneficial and brought incredible insight: at a 5-day meditation retreat, I had been able to slow my thoughts sufficiently that the gray cloud of depression which I had experienced my entire life was finally intelligible as words, all of them self-critical and self-hating. But despite this insight and the work of psychotherapy, there was no way to “turn off” the negative thoughts. I recognized and understood the thoughts that constituted the depression, but I was unable to get away from them.
When I first read of treating PTSD and depression with psilocybin, I was intrigued. I wrote to a researcher at Johns Hopkins University to see if I could volunteer for one of his studies. (I didn’t qualify.) But what I learned about the brain’s default mode network – how neural pathways can be interrupted and rewired with psilocybin-assisted therapies – suggested to me that this therapy might be a way to interrupt the hyper-repetitive and negative thoughts underlying the depression I experienced.
It did! At the end of my MycoMeditations retreat, I found that my previous experience of depression was simply gone.
Perhaps more importantly, I feel my capacity to change has been nurtured and strengthened.
In the course of preparing to take the mushroom medicine, retreat facilitators spoke of the “inner healing intelligence” in each human being. I would say that on each of the days I ingested the mushrooms, I was in direct contact with my inner healing intelligence and that, through the integration work I have done and continue to do, I am able to maintain that contact – with on-going benefits for my physical and mental health.
Several elements of the MycoMeditations retreat experience are worth calling out:
The 7-day, 3-dose retreat model. There is no doubt in my mind that having a retreat with 3 separate dosing days, each with a full-day integration period afterward, was key to the lasting results I have experienced. Each dose and integration period builds on the one before, and it’s worth taking the time and spending the money for a retreat which offers 3 doses over 7 days.
Group size. Taking mushrooms in a group setting was an added benefit of the MycoMeditation experience. Before dosing and after, I talked with fellow retreatants about what brought them to the retreat, what they hoped to achieve, and what their experiences were – in structured integration sessions and informal conversations at mealtime and at the beach. For my retreat, the group size was capped at 12. I think the group size is ideal – not too small, not too large.
Staff. As someone who has worked with numerous mental health professionals over a period of 30 years, I found the staff at the MycoMeditations retreat to include some of the most gifted professionals and compassionate human beings I have ever worked with. While some had more academic and professional credentials than others, all of them contributed to the success of my treatment in significant ways. Equally important, retreat participants who experienced serious challenges were met with calm, confident, effective, and compassionate support, and all of my fellow retreatants reported a positive experience by the retreat’s end. From beginning to end, I felt confident that the staff knew what they were doing, were tailoring their advice and counsel individually to the needs of each participant, and that they were capable of handling each and every issue that arose. I knew we were all...
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