Restaurante Jungle Rain — Restaurant in Calheta

Absolutely Terrible – Tourist Trap to Avoid at All Costs

If you’re considering eating at Jungle Rain on Madeira — don’t. This place is the definition of a tourist trap: overpriced, low-quality food, and zero customer care. We had one of the worst dining experiences of our entire trip here, and we want to spare others from the same mistake.

Let’s start with the pricing, which is outrageously high for what you get. A piece of dry, flavorless meat starts at €17 — and that’s just for the meat. No sides included. You have to order them separately, and they are shockingly overpriced as well. A tiny portion of oily potatoes or bland vegetables costs several extra euros, and the overall plate still looks sad and incomplete. You’d think you were eating at a luxury restaurant based on the prices — but in reality, it’s cheap food with a fancy price tag.

I ordered their so-called signature meat skewer. It was completely overcooked, tough, and dry — absolutely flavorless. No seasoning, no care in preparation, just a chewy, overdone chunk of meat on a stick. My companion tried a pizza, which was even worse: disgustingly greasy, soggy crust, and toppings that tasted like they came straight from a tin can. Nothing fresh, nothing enjoyable. The tomato sauce was acidic and watery, and the whole thing was basically inedible.

One dish on the menu was also mistranslated — the English version described something completely different from what was served. When we pointed it out to the staff, their response was basically “too bad.” No apology, no solution, just indifference. That’s unacceptable in any restaurant, let alone one charging this much.

As if that wasn’t enough, both of us had stomach problems after the meal — cramps and discomfort for hours. We’re both European, travel a lot, and have no issues with international food — so this clearly wasn’t just a “local food” issue. It felt like something was wrong with the quality or hygiene.

Service was cold and unhelpful. The staff didn’t explain the menu properly, didn’t respond when asked about the mistranslation, and disappeared after serving the food. No one checked if everything was okay, and getting the bill was a slow and frustrating process.

It’s obvious that Jungle Rain relies on tourists who don’t know better and won’t be back. The flashy decor might attract you from the street, but it’s all smoke and mirrors. This place is designed to overcharge unsuspecting visitors, deliver low-effort food, and move on to the next group. There’s no care, no quality, and certainly no value for money here.

Madeira has so many fantastic restaurants with authentic food and real hospitality. Jungle Rain is not one of them. It’s a trap — and it left us disappointed, hungry, and feeling scammed.

Avoid...

This place is a total SCAM. After my lunch when I asked for the bill I tried to pay by card the display showed the message "card non existent" even though my app showed clearly that the amount had already been charged. Even though it was clear that we had paid, the waiter insisted that we had to use another card or pay in another way, so we paid in cash. The waiter seemed available to reimburse us in case of double charge, so we left. Unfortunately I tried to contact the restaurant (impossibile to reach by phone) on WhatsApp and I reached a guy who had to talk to his manager about the matter. Needless to say they didn't contact me even if I solicited them, and obviously I didn't get my money back. Unfortunately the same thing happened to other people the same day, and I hope they got their money back, unlike us. So avoid this place at all costs, there are better places in Madeira to eat and not to get...

This place gets a lot of unfair negative reviews, so I felt the need to even it out a bit!

Yes the place is a bit crazy. Yes there is a lot going on. Yes there are mechanical animals and robot waiters. Of course the food isn't going to be the best you've ever eaten ... BUT her service was friendly, the food pretty decent and the whole experience was exactly that. An experience.

It clearly caters for, and makes money from, tourist coaches, or those 4x4 jeep tours you see everywhere .. and those people then come on here and give poor reviews for a place being a "tourist trap". This is what you signed up for. You signed up to be ferried around and taken from tourist trap to tourist trap .. don't complain about it later!

Seriously, if you happen to be passing, call in. Take it for what it is. Laugh, eat, drink and leave with memories of "that crazy place up the hill". Don't take it...