National Trust - Prior Park Landscape Garden

Walked into this place after paying a hefty entrance fee, and immediately headed in the direction of the signposted "Site of Gothic Temple", as any self respecting adventurer/archeologist/tomb plunderer would.

As I began to step towards the winding downward trial, an inexplicably loud rumbling noise grew behind me. I spun around, and was faced with a huge seventeen foot wide stone boulder approaching me at high speed, presumably contrived of Bath's famed locally sourced slightly yellowy tinged oolitic limestone, and immediately turned on the spot, and broke into a full sprint.

Carnage and chaos erupted in my wake, but I dared not look back for even a second- amidst the myriad screams of unwitting families out for a mere gentle mid-day stroll, their frail bones crunching underneath the several tons of spherical limestone, I could feel the tremor of the earth becoming increasingly violent- the boulder was gaining on me.

Almost losing my balance on the steep 1/6 incline (a roughly twenty three degree offset from normal ground level), I frantically fumbled in my pocket for the printed map of Prior Park, nationally entrusted to me by the National Trust gatekeeper and/or greeter at the entrance ticket booth, and plotted a frenzied course through the labyrinthian pedestrian footpaths and forest enshrouded walkways of the garden- ultimately arriving at "The Tea Shed" on the lower banks of the man made lake, my seemingly sole chance of salvation against my mineral laden assailant.

As I reached the bottom of the trail, the ground levelled out, and bore a straight, well maintained, aesthetically pleasing footpath leading directly to my destination- of which I was immediately skeptical of. Such an abrupt change of pathway maintenance levels could mean only one thing; the pathway was merely a facade for a long, pressure-activated trapdoor, dropping down into a pit of live snakes, and poison-tipped punji sticks- in addition to molten lava.

The boulder mere inches behind me now, I had no choice but to continue my desperate escape- as I placed my foot across the facades threshold, the trap door swung open, snakes hissing, lava boiling, poison-tipped punji sticks poison-tipped punji sticking, and I tumbled headlong into the pit.

I fell for what seemed like hours, but looking back at it now was probably closer to several hundred milliseconds, before remembering the whip that I had been holding in my hands for this entire ordeal and totally didn't just make up right this second, and cracked it around an overhanging tree branch, and triumphantly swung clear through and out of the death pit, landing in a stylish slide which carried me right under the almost closed stone temple doors, that began slowly closing earlier whilst I was looking for a parking space, or something.

I then walked up to the counter of The Drink Shack or whatever it was called, and ordered a scone and pepsi max, but when the scone arrived it came with neither cream nor butter, as they had apparently ran out of both for the day.