Meramec Caverns — Hotel in Sullivan

The price does not reflect the quality of the tour. $100 for 2 adults, 2 kids, and a regrettable tip for the guide. Our guide spoke as if she had a mouth full of marbles on top of using a cliché tour guide voice that eliminated her ability to project. (*Except for the time she full blown screamed at a kid for walking up the stairs before she turned the lights on.) That didn’t matter much because there was little to no information shared about the cave formations, discoveries or history beyond the James brother stuff in the first 10 minutes of the tour. There was a lot of talk about how things were broken, ruined or abused, but not a lot of scientific details. She did show us some weird LED holiday lights for like 15 minutes. She seriously clicked through light colors (green, red, red and green, and red white and blue) and stated the holiday they corresponded with, but didn’t talk about the formation the LEDs were projected onto whatsoever. It was really weird and uncomfortable, everyone was standing around like, “yes we know green is a color for St. Patrick’s day, but what are we looking at besides these nameless formations and the pieces of trash in the water?” The hyper-Christian nationalist projection at the end was very uncomfortable and was also just a bunch of cheap holiday LED projections with images not even from this region. It was like a YouTube video from the early 2000’s. There are way better cave tours in every direction, so go ahead and...

“Meramec Caverns: Where Touching Will Cost You More Than Your Student Loans!”

If you’re looking for an underground adventure that comes with a side of “don’t you dare touch that rock,” Meramec Caverns is the place to be. We recently took a very long walk through the caverns—seriously, I felt like I could qualify for a marathon after that trek.

Now, let me start by saying, don’t touch anything. No, really. If you even think about grazing a stalactite, you’ll be hit with a $100,000 fine and possibly 25 years in what I’m calling “rock jail.” You’ve got kids with sticky fingers? Good luck—just put them in a bubble suit before the tour. I was tempted to keep my hands in my pockets the entire time to avoid accidentally becoming a felon.

And don’t even think about bringing snacks or a water bottle—you’ll just have to settle for a post-tour treat at the café, where they have fudge and ice cream. Let me tell you, bribing your kids with a scoop of ice cream is the ultimate survival tactic here. After a long walk through the caves, they’ll be too tired to argue, and the ice cream will seal the deal.

Oh, and they have a zip line! We didn’t ride it, but I’m sure it’s great if you’re into adrenaline and looking to avoid walking even more.

So, bring your walking shoes, a ton of self-control, and a good plan for managing the kids—because touching things might not be allowed, but rewarding yourself with some fudge and ice cream after surviving the tour is...

The cave itself is beautiful, but the experience is marred by tacky lighting, gimmicky attractions, and over-the-top commercialization. Instead of educating visitors about the geology and history of the formations, the tour is filled with cheesy jokes and dubious stories about Jesse James. There’s minimal focus on science, which is disappointing for a site of such geological significance. The finale—complete with a patriotic light show—felt jarringly out of place, and the ballroom and theater they rent out come across as disrespectful to the natural environment. The guides even share a story about a prom held there that resulted in the desecration of the cave’s most unique feature.

Overall, it feels like this cave is being exploited and poorly protected. If you’re looking for a more authentic cave experience, I’d recommend visiting one within the Missouri State Park system.

That said, there is something undeniably amusing—and very American—about the over-the-top ways our culture interacts with the majesty of natural places like Meramec Caverns. As historian Sarah Vowell observed about the similarly tacky restaurant in Carlsbad Caverns, “That’s what we Americans do when we find a place that’s really special. We go there and act exactly like ourselves. And we are a bunch of fun-loving dopes.” To that point, I’ll admit I enjoyed my ice cream cone inside a cave—but I still wouldn’t recommend spending...