Wait. Before I begin, let me make sure I have my long list of things to mention here. Get comfortable, dear reader, as we may be here for some time. But it will save you some money. There's also a smattering of sarcasm, mainly designed at protecting my sanity than for your amusement.
After paying £499 for a silver caravan from Mon-Fri, we were given a check-in time of 2-3pm on the Monday. At 1pm, after we had travelled across the country, Haven called to say there was a delay and our caravan wouldn't be ready until "closer to 3pm". No problem, we thought, and off we went to the bar to spend £21.34 on two cocktails (both without ingredients [cherries and strawberries], which were apparently unavailable, a coffee and a strawberry 'milkshake' (semi-skimmed milk and a dash of Crusha).
When we did manage to get into our caravan, we were overwhelmed by the smell of dog. No worries again, though, as there's a cleanliness survey on the Haven app. Which didn't work. Housekeeping did come out after a phonecall and a bit of a mix up (apparently "we won't be in" sounds similar to "we'll definitely be in so make sure you knock and go away if we don't answer") but their best efforts were unsuccessful and ended in eau de dog mixed with parfum.
Caravan holidays are famed for their activities, including swimming. As long as you're okay with not being able to book swimming for the whole family on the app for more than two out of five days, obviously. Oh, and I hope you like cold water because not only was the pool apparently set to "shiver me timbers" but most of the showers were not heated either. And I don't mean "not quite warm enough for my tastes" but "by 'eck, old boy, the Thames is warmer".
One of the cubicles contained a flimsy red table topped with a baby-changing mat not secured to anything, ready for a small child to plummet on to the cold, hard tiles below. I doubt this will be there if you visit, though, as I've already reported it to the local council's environmental health team.
We later took advantage of the £1-children's-meal-if-you-pay-for-an-adult's-meal deal and only paid just shy of £40 for three adults' breakfasts and two childs'. Fortunately, after we complained, they even managed to turn the bread into lukewarm toast. Bargain!
On another occasion, while enjoying a Costa coffee (from a machine operated by button), we were treated to free entertainment in the form of a fire alarm, followed by what appeared to be mild confusion by workers, with one appearing to sprint from the bar area while another hesitated before asking guests to evacuate. Fortunately a kitchen worker was on hand to eventually bleat "car park", where we gathered with bemused looks on our faces and ever-cold cappuccinos in our hands. There was no fire.
Elsewhere, the soft play area is obviously incredibly popular with hygiene freaks as the soap dispenser was empty every time we visited.
And the team at Haven was obviously very safety conscious because, after asking for a vacuum to be delivered to our caravan (remember the aforementioned dog smell?), we were told they're too dangerous to hand out willy nilly. Praise the Lord we haven't ever been hurt by our vacuum cleaner at home, especially as we've never considered its potential hazardousness before as we've frolicked wildly with the power belt and brushes.
I've been facetious here because if I don't laugh I'll cry. But in all seriousness, we spent £499 just to stay at Blue Dolphin and a couple of hundred more despite being alert to what I honestly believe to be price gouging (four pints of Carling in a pitcher should not cost almost £20) and a raft of money-saving measures.
The booking system is utterly broken and unfair. We swam as a family on two days and our boys swam on their own on the other two because everything was booked up otherwise. The other activities were either too expensive or also booked up.
I complained to Haven, where I have enjoyed visits before (to Hafan y Mor and Lakeland) and was offered...
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