Coffee Squared Beaulieu — Restaurant in Chelmsford

The coffee was actually good, but everything else was like a bad Monty Python sketch. You know when you come across a server whose life didn't turn out quite as well as he hoped it would, so he really wants to try and make yours a bit worse too? Well THAT guy works here.

We went for breakfast, the couple in front of us asked if they could sit inside because it was so cold. The masked bandit said "No point, it's as cold inside as it is outside". I'm guessing he must have had a secret indoor wind machine but whatever - they both left.

My friend asked if he could have a bacon sandwich. The reply was "no, it's not on the menu". Looking down the menu I noticed a BLT sandwich so I said "no problem could he have the BLT but without the L and the T please? "Well, it'll be the same price" came the reply. "yes that's fine, bring forth the bacon sandwich with all haste my good man". "Well I could but you won't like it, it's not proper bacon - it's like that thin cardboardy stuff - you'll be very disappointed". My friend gave up and went without.

At this point however we were actually laughing. I decided that the entertainment was worth prolonging, so asked for the smoked salmon and scrambled egg, which actually was on the menu - ha, get out of that one! The salmon was fine, odd to have it fridge-cold with a chilled lemon slice on hot scrambled eggs but hey, at least I got it and the bar was very low at this point. The scrambled eggs were so rubbery you could have repaired a tyre puncture with them - straight out of the microwave. Yum.

I'm guessing this place must have some redeeming qualities because it has other good reviews (maybe in the evening?) but it was by far the worst breakfast I've had in as long as I can remember. I can't imagine it's going to be around long so if you want to experience Essex's answer to Basil Fawlty you need to...

Mediocre food and terrible customer service. Please visit if you would like cold food (fish finger sandwich, kids fish fingers and a hot chocolate for 3 separate people in our party were all cold) and to be incorrectly accused that we've been disrespectful to staff (in front of 3 children), just because one of our party misread the menu. The staff member was very sly only to make her comment after we had paid the bill and not at the time the interaction was supposedly taking place. We did not complain about the food or the rude waitresses who seemed to have the hump before we even arrived. We were not aggressive, abusive and did not raise our voice. When we asked what was disrespectful about the conversation that was had, the staff member couldn't respond with anything to justify her inaccurate comment. She seemed happy when we said we wouldn't be coming back. I can only suggest her behaviour and microaggression was caused because she had a problem that we were Asian, as she didn't treat any of the other customers there like...

2nd visit here after nice first experience (see previous review). Only had cake and coffee first time so decided to try a sandwich that came with crisps, small pot of coleslaw and small amount of salad. Partner had lemon cake, which we had on first visit , and we had two coffees. Coffees were fine. Sandwich was awful, bread was so stale it must have been minimum 3 days old! Please don't reply saying you only use fresh ingredients etc because you obviously don't. The ham looked ok but here's a tip. When you are a relatively new business do NOT start skimping on basic ingredients trying to wring more profit out of a loaf of bread for instance!! You've now lost me as a customer and I only live locally so how have you profited?? Cake was also a bit dry indicating that wasn't fresh either. Standards seem to have dipped so it's Costa from...