Craven Heifer — Restaurant in England

It all started when I was watching the latest installment of the BATMAN franchise. I didn't enjoy it (Robbie P is certainly no Michael keaton and I certainly am not a cretin). It made me think "what on earth does a well-to-do, ruggedly handsome, yet middle-aged woman do with her time?". I recalled a time when my penpal Tyler wrote me about a place called "Craven Heifer". "What on earth is that?! I exclaimed. "A concentration camp?!". It turns out, it was a traditional 19th century inn located relatively close to Skipton Moor. I shrugged, "best give it a go", I thought. My expression took on the solemnities similar to that of the Amazonian Capybara. I sat in my vehicle feeling underwhelmed.

When I arrived at the 'Heif, I noticed it was pebbledash'd, if you will. This was perhaps ideal to give a rustic feel, yet not accessible for one who enjoys heeleys, such as myself. I was forced to clamber my way towards the main entrance, like professor filch chasing after a small child.

When I cast my eyes over the entrance I regarded the rounded lettering that surrounded the "Craven Heifer Inn", this was in a font similar to Times New Roman. Wonderful choice. It was backed by brick though, not the most inclusive or dyslexia friendly choice. I have a friend who can't read from brick. They could have been lost for hours.

I was greeted at the door by a bubbly man who simply referred to himself as "Deek". Not the most professional, but a homely touch. The windows were lined with a smattering of condensation, after all this was the 24th of January (a very moist day). I placed my shoes upon the rack provided and walked barefoot through the atrium. I noted the vestments of the staff - not unlike the robes of a catholic priest or some other predator. They were however haughty, and and I was understanding of this choice.

I was aghast when I realised that the Zimbabwean men's choir were seated in the dining room (had I known, i'd have curtseyed). One of the men, upon seeing my countenance, announced "Mhata", to which there was rapturous applause from the other choir members. I felt proud. While I cannot attribute this positive experience solely to Craven Heifer and must admit that most of the credit goes to the joyous culture of the Zimbabwean people, the 'Heif did indeed provide the mood and setting for such a delightful moment.

As I finally skated to my provided seat (heeleys are 75% appropriate within the establishment) I was met with a vibrant amuse bouche composed of pasta and frogs legs - what a treat. My mouth watered while the portly gentleman who had been engaged in warming my seat excused himself. Another treat.

I ordered from the waiter, a firey-haired gentleman who referred to himself as 'Waldorf', he seemed pleased with my choice of a southern-fried chicken burger with salad and a poached potato waffle. In the intervening time my drink order had arrived - I went for a twist on a classic cocktail that the establishment calls "Dead wife" - containing a small measure of Chateauneuf du pape, Angostura Bitters and 3 Fl. ounces of echo falls, garnished with a teabag. It offered a fragrant and pungent aroma, in which my nostrils were satisfied such that I took a long, deep swill of the liquid. I felt a squelch as I swallowed , savouring the peppery flavour that almost made me believe that the teabag was peppermint. Dead wife indeed. Another amuse bouche was shortly on the way, a small bowl of popcorn that was borederline overfilled - a clever slight of hand by the restaurant in this regard. Nevertheless the portion was reasonable save for the piece of popcorn that fell and was accidentally volleyed into the gullet of a rotund child at the next table. He seemed pleased, so no harm, no foul. The main course was like a journey down the Ancient River Hooley, that is to say, it was slightly moody yet pleasant at heart. I Clunn to the flavours as the last bites of the burger slid down my gullet. Finally, my desert was a Hazel Dining experience - they provided warm roasted hazelnuts. Noice. 10/10...

Me and my partner was in the area and had seen from previous reviews how amazing the sunday lunch was, so as we weren’t from the area we trusted the reviews and thought we’d give this place a go. What a mistake that was, online it is advertised as a carvery, it’s not, it’s a sunday lunch. Which I know that may not seem a lot to people, but my personal preference is a carvery as you are able to select what items you want and the quantity ( I personally don’t like too much on my plate). Where do i start? Firstly, when our food had arrived the waitress brought our plate out, 5 minutes later the veg as she had to attend to a birthday cake. Then 5 minutes later she brought the gravy out, to then which she dropped so has to replace (i understand that mistakes can happen), but we had been waiting 10 minutes for the whole meal to arrive. So at this point it wasn’t very warm, it didn’t look warm anyway at the first arrival. Anyway, we started eating the food. The beef was like bark, it was so chewy, it was over cooked massively and freezing. The mash lumpy, and the roast potatoes were more of just boiled potatoes as they defiantly were not roasted over. When the older waitress (black hair, middle aged), came over to ask how our food was my response was, not great it’s cold and not cooked. Defiantly not worth £14. She asked me if i wanted it replacing, my response was no as it would only be the same food brought out from the kitchen, just reheated. She snatched my food away and under her breath said ‘i’ll see if i can sort some sort of discount’. My partner had eaten about 5/6 mouthfuls before saying no i cannot carry on eating this, as it was vile. When paying for our bill, i said i was happy to pay for the drinks but the food was unacceptable. It was one of the worst dinners I had ever had. The waitresses response was ‘i am being unreasonable and that i HAVE to pay for the dinner’. This woman does not wanting to be working in a customer service environment, she was rude, passive aggressive, she made me feel belittled and uncomfortable! Anyway, I payed for half of the bill as she stated i ‘had’ too. But i would not recommend this pub for a sunday dinner what so ever. When i was paying for my bill there was also another lady complaining about her food. Which I think that says enough. I have attached a picture below, to which the food looks presentable. But do not be fooled. Avoid...

Nice pub/hotel. Was there on Sunday for the carvery lunch, all the staff were very nice and the service was efficient. The carvery was well stocked with Beef (a little overcooked for me but still moist and tender) Pork and Turkey breast. A good selection of potatoes and veg plus large Yorkshire puddings stuffing and gravy. The meats were all nice, the gravy was really good, the veg was a bit tired and a bit overcooked (I did not have any so that's my wife's observation) the meat portions given were very generous which along with the large Yorkshire pudding filled the plate which brings me to the main gripe, the plates are just way too small. I'm guessing that's done to stop people taking too much but they were ridiculous, I had Beef, Pork a Yorkshire 1 roast potatoe and a stuffing ball and was worried trying to put gravy on the plate. People getting even a small selection of the veg on offer were going away with plates piled high that just looked awful. Putting out propped dinner plates would make it so much more pleasant and I'm pretty sure most people would not take more food. We will Definately go again and would recommend for a good value Sunday lunch.

Went again and food was very poor the beef was really really tough the gravy had no flavour at all the potatoes reminded me of school diners. Very...