Three Swallows — Restaurant in North Norfolk

TWO STAR FOOD AND SERVICE AT A FOUR STAR PRICE I'm afraid this place is not going to survive unless it gets its act together sharpish.

We chose this place at the last moment on a visit to Cley. The menu seemed to have a wider selection and at slightly more reasonable prices than the local competition...... but I wish I had read the reviews before deciding..... I would have saved myself expensive disappointment.

The location is fine, the outside garden tables and gazebo are super and so we looked forward to a lovely experience as we perused the menu.

The service was not really up to the standard you would expect from a restaurant that is trying to pitch itself as above average (if not quite "fine dining"). Queuing behind people (buying drinks at the bar) to order your food is not too much of a problem..... but often that bar was unmanned - though only for a few minutes at a time. The waiter was polite but indifferent (more on that later) and the lady behind the bar also doubled as a waitress:- she had taken our order yet still managed to bring out our main course side dishes at the same time as the starters...... saying "oh I suppose you want these with your main course" as she took them away. The starters were not correct either - containing a sauce we had asked to be exchanged for mayonnaise. She corrected that last error quickly.

The food itself was very disappointing. We had the crispy pork belly starter which had not a crisp in sight. Very soft and little taste except for the chilli or peppers in the garnish which saved the dish. Main courses were pretty grim to be honest. The "double burger" was just two small, dry, overcooked, dense beef patties utterly lacking in flavour or juiciness. Grilled onto the top was an almost invisible sliver of what seemed like processed cheese. For a grown man, this is almost an insult. The overpriced £26 steak was dry and nearly tasteless whilst the pepper sauce was appalling - less flavour than weak gravy and not a peppercorn in sight. With this came our side orders........ I had the distinct feeling that they had been kept after being taken back from our first course and then microwaved. In fact, it does seem that the menu is beyond the capabilities of the kitchen:- too many choices for one person to cope with; or if there is more than one kitchen staff, then they are not skilled enough, or perhaps they are cooking in advance and then reheating. Either way, the prices are way ahead of the quality.

If we had not been so hungry and had no alternative for lunch, I would have refused to eat the food and left. As it was, we had to eat it and so pay up. Maybe the waiter could see my unhappiness, let me pay and did not bother to ask how the meal was. Or maybe he has no stake in the establishment and so could not care less. Then, when I asked for an itemised bill, he said "no, not possible" before he wisened up and printed one off.

Feeling pretty ripped-off, we won't be going back. I hope the owners read this review (and others) and take immediate action. This location deserves a great establishment plus I hate to see a new business struggle with some real basics - if they get these right then they could have the "coastal gem" to which...

I do prefer to take care of what I eat, and I do not eat meat, therefore I'd always check the menu before going somewhere. Which in this case sadly didn't save me from an awful experience.

Most of the available options are either deep fried or contain meat, so it was always going to be a bit difficult. But I figured lobster of fish platter would be a good choice. Well, it was out of stock, so I will never be able to tell how it was, but judging by the quality of my vegetarian lasagne, I think in that place they'd manage to sink anything in fat.

Said lasagne was mostly cheese, and contained three tiny bits of courgette, and what tasted like a poor quality(very sweet) shop-brought tomato sauce. Other family members who dined with me weren't pleased with their food either. The volume of cheese on other pastas and pizza was sickening, and my family is not half as particular as I am. On top of that, apple sauce served with pork was fermented and frankly unsafe to eat.

If I were ever hungry in Cley, and it was the only open place, I'd much rather buy a supermarket sandwich or if that failed, I'd sooner fast than eat in that pub again. And I mean it.

On top of that, staff was simply incompetent. There was missing cutlery and drinks. The waitress couldn't answer simple questions about the menu and tried to make light of it instead. She tried to be familiar, and I would never mind that, but it should come on top of basic competency, not instead of it. A familiar waitress that doesn't do her basic job well leaves a bad aftertaste.

We were also occasionally brought some things by a guy who didn't care to say a word to us. On the whole, I couldn't tell who was worse. Possibly the woman, but that may just be because I was exposed to her more.

To top all of that, in the beginning of our amazing dinner when we were sat, I asked the staff to shut the back door, as I was cold despite wearing a jacket and a scarf. They said it was okay, and they'd do it. Not only no one's actually done it, but also restaurant staff kept leaving that door open after I...

We visit Norfolk quite frequently and enjoy going to the Three Swallows for a drink in the beer garden. But eating here is such a huge disappointment and not and enjoyable experience.

Today we booked a table for two hoping to have a nice meal for our first full day in Norfolk. We were shown to what feels like the worst table right next to the beer garden doors and the toilet, so cold and a lot of traffic. Initially it was just us in the section but we were then joined by a large table where the kids couldn't quite decide whether they wanted to sit down or run about outside.

The menu looked reasonably nice and we asked for olives just as a mini starter. Sadly no olives. So we ordered our mains instead. I ordered the duo of lamb. No lamb. So we ended up both ordering the Korean Chicken burger with Asian slaw. Not my first choice of course but sounded ok.

After about 45 minutes we finally were provided with our meal, something I certainly wouldn't describe as Korean nor the slaw as Asian. I think I could only describe it as a small Schnitzel sat on a bed of raw peppers. There was a dip provided too that was basically mayonnaise with sriracha mixed together. It was weird.

We ate it fairly promptly because we were hungry, not because it was nice. And then lucky us, we get to stare at our plates for another 45 minutes since we were apparently invisible to the waiting staff.

We were hoping to have the mini brownie and a coffee for dessert but wouldn't you know, no brownie. And the only reason we knew was because we overheard the big table next to us be told this. Who knows if we would have found out by being told since, as I said, we were invisible.

So after a thoroughly bizarre and unsatisfactory meal, taking about 90 mins, we had to simply give up that we'd ever be served again and I just went to the bar to pay up and leave. Who knows how long we'd had been there if we left it up to the waiting staff.

Nearly £50 down, disappointed, and with no intention to return...