Upper Yarra Museum — Attraction in Melbourne

This museum? Oh nah. Zero stars. The vibe was so off it felt like walking into the Backrooms but with worse lighting. It gave “core memory I want to forget.” Nothing slayed, nothing served. I went in thinking it might be a bit of a “Night at the Museum” moment, but it was more “Twilight without Edward.”

The first exhibit looked like it was sponsored by Blockbuster and Myspace (1, 2). The air smelled like dust and L after L (3). No vibes, no aesthetic — just taxidermy that looked like it was done by AI on low battery (4). The signs were Comic Sans (5). There was a “touch screen” that had Blue Screen of Death energy (6). Even the security guard was scrolling TikTok (7).

I asked a staff member where the dinosaur exhibit was, and they hit me with the most blank stare since Bella Swan (8). Like hello?? You work here, not in a Roblox server (9). Half the rooms were “temporarily closed” (10). I guess they were manifesting renovation (11). The gift shop had prices like Supreme drops (12) and merch uglier than Crocs with toe socks (13).

Not one interactive thing. No AR, no filters, not even a mirror for a fit check (14, 15, 16). The whole experience was so dry it made the Sahara look hydrated (17). I saw a painting of a horse that looked like it was done by an NPC from Skyrim (18). The audio guide voice sounded like Google Translate on NyQuil (19). And don’t get me started on the bathroom — it was giving gas station at 3 a.m. (20).

There was a kid doing TikTok dances next to a mummy (21, 22). That mummy probably woke up just to leave (23). I tried to find the exit but the signs led me in circles like Mario Kart Rainbow Road (24, 25). By the end I was so tired I felt like I’d done a whole “Hot Girl Walk” in Crocs (26, 27).

Honestly, this place needs a rebrand by MrBeast (28) and a cleanse by Sabrina Carpenter (29). The only thing that slayed was the exit sign (30). Even the Wi-Fi was moving like dial-up (31). The cafeteria sold a “vintage sandwich” which was just bread from the Obama era (32). I was ready to door-dash therapy (33).

I saw a rat and for a second I thought it was Remy from Ratatouille trying to escape (34). The paintings were crooked (35), the vibe was worse than a Twitter comment section (36), and the temperature was either Arctic Monkeys or Hot Ones (37, 38). Some guy was lecturing his date about NFTs (39, 40). She looked like she was manifesting an emergency alert to leave (41).

At one point a motion sensor went off for no reason (42), and everyone acted like that’s just normal vibe here (43). The art was so mid I started daydreaming about the Target home decor aisle (44). The whole place had the same energy as a Snap streak ending (45). Even the benches were uncomfortable like they were designed by IKEA on hard mode (46).

I heard someone say “This is so aesthetic” unironically (47) and I almost respawned (48). One painting looked like a fan edit of the Last Supper (49). The lighting was so bad I looked like I was in the Blair Witch Project (50). There was a guy vlogging for YouTube and he looked as lost as Dora without the map (51).

If you want to waste money and lose brain cells, this is the place (52). Otherwise, stream Olivia Rodrigo and stay home (53). Even Skibidi Toilet has more lore than this museum (54). I left feeling like a background character in a Billie Eilish music video (55). The energy was so off that even Mercury in retrograde would apologize (56).

Final verdict: burn it down and let Barbie and Oppenheimer rebuild it (57, 58). This place needs a main-character arc ASAP (59). Not me leaving a bad review like Jo March writing angrily in “Little Women” (60). If I could Thanos-snap this museum out of existence, I would (61). Even Taylor Swift couldn’t romanticize this (62). Bring back the dinosaurs and let them finish the job (63).

The only thing historical about this place was how fast it aged me (64). I went in a Gen Z and came out a boomer (65). I’d rather watch five hours of Sigma grindset motivational reels (66). Even AI would refuse to replicate this...

To [Insert Business Name],

I had been looking forward to my planned Sunday visit with great anticipation, expecting to see fascinating artefacts and meaningful pieces of history that reflect the character and heritage of Yarra Junction. Unfortunately, the reality of the experience fell far short of these expectations.

Rather than being presented with carefully curated historical artefacts, the displays consisted largely of miscellaneous items, scrap metal, and objects that did not appear to hold genuine historical value. This created an impression of clutter rather than a thoughtfully designed exhibition.

When I sought further understanding by asking the staff about the items on display, I found their knowledge to be very limited. Instead of providing informative insights or engaging stories that could enhance the visitor experience, responses were vague and unhelpful, which only added to the disappointment.

The gold panning section, which I had particularly looked forward to, was especially underwhelming. The use of fool’s gold rather than genuine particles diminished the authenticity and educational potential of the activity, leaving the experience feeling more contrived than enriching.

Considering the two-hour drive required to reach the site, the overall visit was not worth the effort. What I had hoped would be a memorable and rewarding cultural outing sadly turned out to be a disheartening and disappointing...

Dear ROSS,

I am writing to express my deep dissatisfaction with my recent visit to your museum on today. What was meant to be an enjoyable and educational experience turned into a frustrating and disappointing one.

To begin with, the overall organization of the museum was poor. Exhibits lacked clear explanations or engaging information, and in many areas, displays were broken, outdated, or simply not working at all. Staff seemed unhelpful and uninterested in assisting visitors, which made the experience even worse.

On top of that, the facilities were poorly maintained. [Insert specific issue here: e.g., “Several galleries were uncomfortably hot and stuffy,” or “The restrooms were dirty and unacceptable for a public venue.”] Considering the price of admission, this is inexcusable.

I expected far more from an institution that advertises itself as [better. Instead, I left feeling like my time was wasted.

I urge you to take immediate action to improve the visitor experience. At the very least, I would appreciate a refund for my ticket, but more importantly, I hope you address these issues so future visitors do not have the same negative...