Nebraska Crossing: Come for the Deals, Stay for the Existential Crisis.

Ah, Nebraska Crossing Outlets. I brought my wife and kids here for what I thought would be a delightful afternoon of bargain hunting. Silly me. Turns out, this is where dreams of outlet pricing go to die, and you’re left wandering a labyrinth of stores selling $700 coolers and Lego sets that cost more than my first car. Who are these people buying $650 Lego sets? Do they live among us? Do they breathe the same air?

The whole experience kicked off with an auditory assault: “Can’t Stop the Feeling” on repeat. Not twice. Not three times. Eight. Full. Times. It was like Justin Timberlake himself had been hired to torment us, but only with this one relentless earworm. Imagine sitting outside a tiny Chinese restaurant, choking down some mediocre lo mein while JT’s chirpy voice insists you keep dancing. I wasn’t dancing—I was contemplating escape routes.

And just when I thought I’d reached the edge of my sanity, they switched it up. Hooray, a new song! Except, no—it was “Wherever You Will Go” by The Calling. If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to be slowly driven mad by the sound of a man singing directly through his nose, let me tell you: it’s bad. It was on loop so many times that I started questioning if I’d accidentally stumbled into some kind of experimental psychological study.

The stores? Oh, they’re great, if you’re a Patagonia-clad adventurer who spends weekends in the wilderness with a $300 jacket and a $200 hatchet. But for regular folks looking for deals? Good luck. It’s like someone took a regular outlet mall, sprinkled in some elitism, and then doubled all the prices just to see if you’d notice.

By the time we left, I felt like I’d been trapped in a capitalist fever dream, held hostage by overpriced bougie nonsense and a soundtrack designed by someone who hates joy. Nebraska Crossing: come for the deals, leave with the realization that you’ve been conned and can never unhear that Nasal Butt Metal insanity.