H.G. Hill Food Store — Local services in Pleasant View

Let me set the scene.

It was a Wednesday—ominous in itself. I had just finished a 72-hour juice cleanse conducted entirely against my will as part of a pyramid scheme I thought was a wellness retreat. I was ravenous. I could hear colors. I craved solids—bread, cheese, possibly a chicken wing that had seen combat. So naturally, I staggered to HG Hills, lured by a flashing sign that said “SALE ON EVERYTHING” and a guy in a shrimp costume doing karate in the parking lot. I took that as a good omen.

It was not.

From the moment I entered, I felt a shift in the air pressure, as though the building itself had beef with me. The lights flickered in Morse code that spelled “RUN.” The smell? A haunting cocktail of expired yogurt, wet carpet, and something I can only describe as “haunted ham.”

I walked in, grabbed a cart—only to discover it had one wheel that squeaked like a dying possum and one that spun 360° like it was possessed by the spirit of a breakdancer. Every aisle was chaos. The produce section looked like a crime scene. There were three bananas duct-taped together, an apple with a bite mark and a carrot that made eye contact with me. I swear it blinked.

Then, out of nowhere, a feral toddler with no shoes screamed “THE RATS ARE MINE” and threw a head of cabbage at my chest. No one stopped him. In fact, I think an employee gave him a fist bump.

I tried to find bread, but the only loaf on the shelf was wet. Wet. Why? How? No one knows.

I asked an employee where the eggs were. He said “In the back,” made intense eye contact, and vanished behind a curtain labeled “Employees Only - OR IS IT?” I never saw him again.

I finally gave up and went to check out with a single can of beans and a kombucha that was three years expired and fizzing ominously. The cashier scanned it, stared at me, and said “You’ll never leave here the same.” Then the power went out for exactly six seconds. When the lights came back on, the cashier was gone and so was my wallet.

I left the store in a daze. I looked down and realized I had somehow acquired a second, smaller cart attached to mine, filled with VHS tapes of “Murder, She Wrote.” I never watched that show. I don’t even own a VCR. And yet now I do. Somehow.

Three days later I woke up in a field 60 miles away, clutching a receipt that just said “Good luck.”

Do not go here. This store is a portal. A trap. A test of the human spirit. I entered a hungry man and emerged a broken shell with two coupons for mayonnaise and a restraining order from a raccoon that somehow works in aisle 9.

1 star. Because zero...

This store is cute and has a lot of unique and local products. I do find myself having to go to other stores after shopping here because they don’t always have everything I need. Kind of a limited selection, limited brands kind of place, especially if you’re looking for gluten free products or something like oatmilk. They are also a bit more expensive than food lion or Walmart and sometimes even more expensive than Publix or Kroger. Their hot food is very good. I’ve had their fried chicken and a side of mashed potatoes and everything was delicious. The meatloaf was very good. I’ve also had their breakfast biscuits. The sandwich is great but the actual biscuit is amazing. I keep forgetting to see if they sell those in the store. My main complaint with this place would be the bakery section. The products they sell from their bakery are over priced and over sweetened. They also don’t have their ingredients listed which I’m not even sure is legal, or if they do have the ingredients listed it’s not a complete list. My sister was selling dairy free bakery items at different street fairs and they said she had to have ingredients listed to sell at these events. So I’d imagine the same would go for a grocery store. Anyway, hg hills bakery had something called chaos cookies. You can tell there are a lot of different things in them but they don’t tell you what. I checked a few of their other items and none had ingredients listed. A few weeks ago I purchased their no bake cookies, which I know contain peanut butter. These did have the ingredients listed but they did not list peanut butter or the oats, which are both main ingredients. If someone with a peanut allergy bought those and looked at that list they’d think they were peanut free chocolate only no bake cookies. My husband recently bought their pecan pie. It was overly sweet and had an odd texture and consistency. Not a fan. Last bakery issue is nothing from their bakery is properly sealed. They have stickers on them with the name of the product, the date and the price but they put them on top of the plastic container instead of across where it closes to seal it, making it necessary to rip the tag to open the container. The way things are now anyone could open the containers and mess with what’s inside. We’ve seen it happen with ice cream. I know it’s a sad world we live in where everything needs to be tamper proof but it’s the way things are. Finally they have a large case right near one of the doors with gelato popsicles...

I went to the "deli" and approached the counter. Two employees working looked up at me, didn't acknowledge or say anything to me, then go back to what they were doing. I stood there for a minute or so, and one approached as I was just about to say something. No greeting, just "what can I do for you". She seemed like she hated that she had to walk a few steps over and actually help someone. I asked for a turkey sandwich. Being a "deli" I had assumed that was not an unusual request. She looked at me puzzled and said, "we don't usually make sandwiches". I wasn't sure what "usually" meant but she pointed to some in the cooler that were pre-made. I was on my way to work and hungry so I grabbed one. I went to grab a small container or coleslaw and was turned off by all the water inside. I went for the pasta salad next to it and same thing...full of liquid. Disgusted, I just took my sandwich and paid for it and left. When I opened the sandwich, which was just about like opening a Christmas present because of all the paper it was wrapped in...scotch tape and all, it was meat and bread only! No lettuce, mayo, mustard, nothing! They need to just take the deli sign off the wall. No service, no pride at all in what they put out as "food". Disappointed...