Caracoli — Restaurant in Winchester

Caracoli, Alresford – where cakes are square, coffee is lukewarm, and smoothies come with a side of existential doubt.

We popped in for what should have been a light, joyful stop: one flat white, one avocado smoothie, one luminous pineapple cheesecake (which contained cake inside the cheesecake – bold), one crème brûlée in pastry (dry as a pensioner’s wit), and a flapjack (the only survivor, which we gently wrapped to take away like something sacred).

The flat white? Warm. Not hot, not iced. Just… warm. The smoothie? My wife ordered it expecting avocado, silly her for assuming the word in the title meant it would be the star ingredient. Turns out it was a pre-packaged citrusy green thing, as confirmed by the staff when I politely asked – they pointed at the menu and offered nothing but a shrug and six molecules of sympathy. They did offer a replacement, which was kind, but I’d already accepted the defeat. Quietly. Britishly.

Let’s talk about the water. There is a free water station (generous!), but it was suspiciously glassless. I asked for two glasses, hoping to hydrate. I was handed six. Perhaps a hint? A subtle gesture that I should pop them back myself and save the staff the trouble. Service meets self-service – modern hospitality!

Speaking of staff, one team member had a uniform that looked like it had done a shift in a bakery, a bike race, and a petting zoo. The manager – I assume the man trying not to melt – hovered nearby, looking like he'd wrestled with a steam oven.

The saving grace? The food looked stunning. Truly. It belongs in a gallery – just don’t eat it. Unless you like your brûlée parched and your cheesecake confused about its identity.

We left £20-something lighter, two-thirds full, and quietly unsure whether we’d just visited a café or been part of a performance art piece on...

Sorry Caracoli, but it really shouldn't take 45 mins to serve a (tiny) ham & cheese toastie, let alone have customers wait 25 mins for a coffee, especially when there are only a few customers in the store. I was lucky with my toastie though, my friend didn't even get his Quiche Lorraine after 50 mins, and the quiche is ready made! This unfortunately led us to walk out with my friend unfed. Massive room for improvement here. Some smiley, informed, proactive staff would be a good starting point. Would have actually given no stars for the first time ever BUT the flat white coffee was very good when it finally arrived and they gave us free brownies when we complained on the way out. Come on Caracoli, you can do better than this though, us locals have a number of cafe choices now and you shouldn't be trading on reputation alone. Would love to be surprised by an improvement, but am not...

When in Alresford I have often bought coffee from Caracoli but I have now decided to avoid following poor service over several recent visits. The staff seem more interested in being sarcastic to customers and their own conversations than delivering friendly customer service. I have now been on the receiving end of sarcastic comments from staff on a number of occasions, most recently from a waitress who clearly resented wiping down my table following me having to clear the table from the previous customers . Recently I was waiting to pay next to a customer who was sitting in the café and asked for china cups rather than the takeaway cups he was offered. He was told that wasn’t possible as the dishwasher had already been loaded! When the customer said he would go somewhere else and left, the man serving turned to me and said “That’s fine, I don’t care”, and I thought – that sums...