Marianna's Place — Restaurant in Lake Township

I arrived at Marianna’s Place on a Saturday night at exactly 2:15am, because that’s when the portal opens and the bar shifts into its final form: a neon-lit vortex of house music, spontaneous dance battles, and people named “Kevin” who aren’t actually named Kevin.

The DJ Situation: DJ CRYSTAL STRETCHMARK was already posted up in the corner, spinning house beats so filthy they legally count as community service. She wore a visor made of compact discs and communicated exclusively in dolphin clicks. Every time the bass dropped, someone in the crowd gained temporary telepathy. I know this because I heard a man whisper “tater tots are the government’s secret weapon” into my brain.

The Crowd: There were exactly 147 people in the bar and one duck. The duck was wearing sunglasses and a little chain. We never found out who he belonged to, but by midnight he was behind the bar mixing drinks and flirting with a girl named Meagan who might have been a tax attorney or a powerful forest witch.

Everyone was dancing like their knees had just been invented. One guy did the worm across the ceiling. Another girl summoned a conga line using only eyebrow movements. Barb, the bartender/dancefloor oracle, handed me a glow stick and told me I had been chosen. Chosen for what? No one would say. But I haven’t blinked since.

Drinks: I asked for a vodka soda and got a shoe full of lemon-lime static electricity. Tasted like regret and winning. Somebody else got a cocktail called “The Chicago Mirage” which came in a snow globe and whispered compliments in Spanish until it evaporated.

Specials Board: • $4 Malört and pickle juice combo (known locally as “The Divorce Starter”) • $7 “House Mystery,” which is just anything the DJ yells at the bartender mid-song • Free water, but it’s carbonated with secrets

Vibes: At one point a man in a full astronaut suit slow danced with a piñata while the DJ dropped a remix of an elevator ding looped over “Pump Up the Jam.” We all cried. It was beautiful. A man in the corner claimed to be a ghost from the future and honestly, based on his shoes alone, I believe him.

The Bathrooms: Unconfirmed rumors say they are Narnia-themed and every 17th flush opens a wormhole to a Culver’s parking lot in 2003. I peed and heard “Sandstorm” playing faintly from the vents.

Conclusion: Marianna’s Place on a Saturday night is not a bar — it’s a house music-fueled fever dream where everyone is your cousin and the floor may or may not be alive. You will dance. You will sweat. You will make a pact with a sock puppet named Lorenzo who runs the coat check.

Go. Just go. And if you see the duck, tell him...

This place is very unprofessional its not even a one star place I give this place a -1 review Cindy and Missy are the worst bartenders they refused to serve drinks when they don't receive tips. Missy is sleeping with the bouncer Eric and constantly banding the females that try to talk to him. Marianas needs a update on the bar and bathroom it's very unclean and nasty. And the two bartenders I mentioned make the establishment worst they banned the wrong people I witness several fights in the bar and they are still welcomed but people that don't start problems are getting banned from here. All in general this place needs...

This place is a JOKE!!! I went there the other night with my girlfriend and I was told by the dude at the door, that I couldn't come in because of my tattoos on my neck!!! Apparently they have had issues with people who have tattoos on their face and neck. I'm an Iraqi war veteran and was deeply offended, infact I ran into a fellow Iraqi veteran there and he even tried to vouch for me...Listen if bar is trying to regulate their clientele due to tattoo placement, I would stay away. Obviously they have problems with shady shenanigans. Thank you for saving my hard earned money and I took my business...