Butcher & Vine Hampton — Restaurant in Melbourne

In the grand theater of culinary disappointments, this establishment plays its role with the gusto of a damp squib. The burger, a solitary figure lost on an expansive stage of expectation, fails to connect with its audience. As for the steak, oh the steak! It pranced onto the plate with the promise of a standing ovation, only to be let down by a sauce container so woefully underfilled it could be mistaken for a metaphor of unfulfilled potential – about 25% full, a veritable drought in sauce terms.

Service? Imagine the despondency of receiving a "meh" from Simon Cowell; that's the level we're talking at. It's as if the staff have been cast in a tragic play where the roles of attentiveness and efficiency have been written out of the script. They seem to guard the establishment as if it were Fort Knox, even when it’s as bustling as a ghost town, displaying a level of elitism unwarranted by their performance.

Never were we checked on, as if we had become part of the furniture. The basics, the very pillars of dining etiquette – napkins, cutlery, the synchronized ballet of dish delivery – were conspicuously absent, leaving us foraging for utensils like survivors of a cutlery apocalypse. And toothpicks, those tiny spears of post-carnivorous necessity, were nowhere to be seen. In a steakhouse, no less! It's akin to attending a ballet and discovering they've forgotten the music.

The pièce de résistance of this farce? A $9 soft drink garnished with what appeared to be a pink algae lemon – or something equally unsettling. It begs the question, how did this botanical anomaly bypass the keen eyes of the staff to embark on its final journey to my table? In a restaurant aiming to play in the premier league of dining establishments, this oversight is as laughable as a goalkeeper forgetting which way he’s supposed to save.

In conclusion, one is left to ponder – is this really the best they can offer? In the words of the immortal Clarkson, "I...

Sadly not a great experience for us, our starters and drinks came out fine but unfortunately we ended up waiting over 40 minutes for the mains to come out after our starters were cleared, it wasn't until we eventually asked and the staff knew it was delayed and said they'd already checked on it. I just feel there was a human error and everyone was aware of but us and no apology I would like to say the food was all delicious but the service let our experience down. Then our plates weren't cleared after we'd finished, we weren't asked during the food if everything was okay and we decided not to have dessert and leave. Then while paying we expressed our disappointment to the server regarding how we were annoyed regarding the wait, we had lots of sorrys and she said as you can see it's really busy (I'm sorry to say it wasn't busy enough) then after we paid I explained we probably wouldn't be coming back and then she said oh well I can see what I can do which at that point I'd paid so I said not to bother. I don't like complaining because I have worked in service and hospitality for 10 years but the amount of money we spent at this lovely establishment and it was pretty good food but the way we were handled and the service let this place down and also I emailed and...

We had dinner on a Sunday evening to celebrate a birthday. The place was relatively empty but understandable given that it's Sunday. In total we paid 338 AUD, which was what I would expect.

The good: steaks were perfectly cooked and the meat quality impeccable, the burger was so good, that my 15 yo the burger connoisseur said, he will come back for the burger. Room for improvement: In term of food, All lacked the right level of seasoning, which made it taste quite bland and had to add salt, that's not the hallmark of a good chef.... The pepper sauce was very poor, felt like infused green pepper corn in cream, zero depth of flavour and the butcher salad had no real dressing flavour. Other less important than the food flavour but still could do better were: We order a cabernet sauvignon (85AUD) which was delicious. But when the waitress brought the wine, she never asked us to try just opened the bottle and poured... the calamari starter size was really small, about 5 rings, considering the prices and that we are in the country of seafood abundance, they could have done better. Overall, the meat quality is great, the execution could improve. Will we go back? Probably, but it will be for...