Oh, "The Walnut Tree" in Bourne End, how do I express my utter amazement at your ability to deliver such a catastrophic dining experience? If you're seeking the epitome of mediocrity and overpricing, you've certainly stumbled upon a gem.

Upon our arrival at 4:30 pm, my mate, his two kids, and I were ever so kindly informed that they'd stopped serving food. But fear not! The staff, in their infinite generosity, said they'd "see what they could do." A thousand thank-yous for this red flag that I foolishly ignored.

With the grace of a stampede, we were escorted to the nearest table, where menus were thrust into our hands. Before our rear ends had time to acquaint themselves with the chairs, we were pressured to make lightning-fast decisions. For the children, they offered a veritable smorgasbord of chicken or fish. The adults were presented with the equally overwhelming options of beef or pork. Overwhelmed by the sheer variety, we settled on chicken for the kids and beef for ourselves – no time to even glimpse the menu or prices.

The food appeared with startling swiftness, as if by magic. And what a magical experience it was – the dishes were tepid, at best. But the true pièce de résistance was the quality. The vegetables, if one could call them that, were as tender as concrete. The meat was a delightful study in contradiction – soft, yet brimming with fat and utterly tasteless.

The children's chicken? Simply repurposed frozen goujons, accompanied by the bountiful serving of a whole four chips each. Bravo, Walnut Tree! And then, the bill. A modest £68 for our group of four. I can only imagine how many pennies went into crafting such an unforgettable experience.

So, dear reader, if you're craving a passive-aggressive tango with culinary disappointment, look no further than "The Walnut Tree." Save your money, your time, and your taste buds. After all, there's nothing quite like dining at an establishment that leaves you questioning your life choices.