French Affaire — Restaurant in Milton Keynes

Arr, me hearties! Gather 'round, as I regale ye with a tale of a fine mornin' when I, Captain Blackbeard, discovered a landlubber's establishment known as the "French Affair." T'was a time when me crew and I had just docked our ship, the Salty Seagull, in a quaint port town, famished from our adventures on the high seas.

Now, as you know, a pirate's life be all about treasure, adventure, and rum, but one cannot deny the rumbling of one's stomach after a hard day of pillaging. So I ventured into this "cafe," a strange word to these ears, hopin' to find somethin' fit for a scallywag such as meself.

The moment I set me good eye on this "French Affair," I was taken aback by the fancy trimmings and furbelows of the place. It were as if I'd stumbled into the royal cabin of a ship, or a treasure chest filled with doubloons, arr!

As I entered, the landlubbers gasped and clutched their pearls, for they had ne'er seen a fearsome pirate such as I, and surely ne'er in such a fancy establishment. But I paid them no heed, for I was on a mission to satisfy me hunger, and there be no distraction strong enough to deter a hungry pirate, aye.

I hobbled to a seat with me peg leg, ignoring the stares, and with me hook hand, grabbed a menu from a nervous, quiverin' waiter. Me eye spotted a dish called "Eggs Benedict," and I thought to meself, "Now there be a name that sounds like it might belong to a fellow pirate!" And so, me choice was made.

Once the food arrived, it was like findin' buried treasure, arr! The eggs, as golden as a doubloon, lay atop a pillowy muffin, and the whole treasure was smothered in a rich, creamy sauce. The salty ham were like a sea breeze on a mornin' sail, and I found meself pleasantly surprised by this foreign fare.

By Davy Jones' locker, it were a meal fit for a captain! However, upon receivin' the bill, I couldn't help but let out a hearty, "Shiver me timbers!" For the price was as steep as the cliffs of the Azores, and this poor pirate found himself partin' with more doubloons than he'd bargained for.

As I exited the "French Affair," I couldn't help but notice the relief on the faces of the landlubbers who'd witnessed me mealtime plunder. Little did they know, they'd won me over with their foreign breakfast delights. So, if ye ever find yerselves near the "French Affair," I'd say drop anchor and give it a go. But beware, me hearties, for the prices be as high as a crow's nest and ye might be leavin' with lighter...

I have visited French Affaire on 4 occasions now. My recent visit on the 10th May was not pleasant. I have always found the customer service poor. Waiting a long time for drinks and service without a smile however I could get past this as the interior is nice and food ok. I decided to order the minute steak which I had on my first ever visit. It arrived to my table with a burnt bun and well done crispy egg with no mushroom. Rather than make a fuss I asked the male waiter for a slightly runny egg. This arrived at my table, under cooked, still burnt around the edges with clear egg white on top. It was inedible but I never complained. I then toke a bite out of steak. It had no seasoning and tasted like burger van dirty fried oil. I had ask for my steak medium rare but more on the rare side. The meat was poor quality, chewy and my steak was well done. I asked for a replacement steak rare this time. The waiter rudely came to table 10 minutes after telling me the first steak was actually medium how I asked and didn’t see what my problem was. I don’t understand what he was gaining by making me feel extremely uncomfortable like I had lied. The steak was unevenly cut and 90% was skinny flat and a 10% thick edge. The 10% was the slightest bit light pink the rest was well done. I then received my meal once everyone on my table had eaten theres. My bun was burnt again, a water logged mushroom, the steak was again close to well done and no different from the first one I was sent. I only ate the sweat potato fries as my plate was swimming in egg white, oil and water. The waiter could see that I hadn’t eaten any of my meal but didn’t say anything. My smoothie wasn’t great. Over powered by lemon grass and not how Its tasted in the past. Still I never made a fuss but having a waiter accuse me of being a lier and being unable to eat my food was a step to far. I paid the full price of the meal and walked out feeling sick. The group I was with said the steak was well down and I was not unreasonable. One person tried the steak and said they wouldn’t feed that to a dog. Me or the group wont...

Today was the first time we have been to French Affaire. I'm afraid we had an awful experience.

It's my birthday today & my husband wanted to take me out to lunch. We hadn't tried French Affaire in Stony Stratford, so we booked a table.

From a poor welcome - utter failure to remember my husband had told them in the booking notes (just this morning) that it was for my birthday, & that I am vegetarian - to a blank stare when my husband smiled & said "Bonjour!" on arrival, it was depressing.

The day menu is simply an ordinary cafe menu. There's nothing remotely interesting about it. It's about as French as a Southend chippy.

They advertise themselves as having vegetarian & vegan options, but the options were so limited I wondered if I had dreamed that part . What there was was about as exciting & current as the options available in the 70s.

My roasted veg crepe consisted of lukewarm raw tomatoes & pallid vegan cheese. A sad little bit of green pepper guested. When asked if everything was OK I said it wasn't very satisfactory. The girl just suggested giving me another one. What was the point of that? It was edible, if boring, but simply not as advertised. Why would I want to eat more of the same?

My husband asked for extra sausage in his omelette. He was given three tiny pieces of bacon.

We had to ask three times for salt, pepper & vinegar

The wine glasses clearly hadn't been properly rinsed after being sanitised. You could taste the sanitiser.

The manager didn't come to see us to apologise or offer to remedy matters.

What a horrible birthday meal. We paid & legged it to get some dessert from Woodstocks (now that was quite good).

Sorry, but my advice would be...