Crystal River Smokehouse & Grill — Restaurant in Crystal River

We were driving through town on the hunt for a BBQ joint and stumbled upon the Crystal River Smokehouse. Took a quick look at other Google Review stars and comments and decided to stop. Super conveniently located right off the main road, just on the outskirts of the main streets in town.

The Smokehouse was super welcoming, we could smell the smoke as soon as we opened the car door. We parked easily and entered a super cute, clean and simply decorated foyer. We were immediately greeted and seated at our choice of the 4 top tables. The kids received cute fall kids menus and new crayons so they were busy while we watched the latest news on the Hurricane that just passed through in the South on the big screen TV. The staff was pleasant and attentive.

Our eyes were very big, the menu had the old standbys, a lunch menu and some fun additions that make the Smokehouse unique. Quesadillas with any meat, zucchini straws, giant sweet potato fries and dishes with waffles. I wish I took a snap of the menu buy I did not! I hit up the bathroom and this is when I noted this is actually a new place. Everything was new and clean, new wood siding, tile still shiny, toilet all clean bit needing a new seat as it takes you for a ride. When I returned to the table we were served complimentary house made Pork Rinds, so good! Immediately following were the Zucchini straws and Sweet Potato fries which were technically wedges. Zucchini was amazingly thin, crunchy and delicious, the wedges were good but I do wish they were crispier and seasoned.

I looked around as we waited for our meal and scared down the appetizers. The place really is new, cute, simple and clean for a BBQ joint, it really appealed to me without losing the homeyness you expect. Our food arrived and everything was amazing looking and just huge! Sorry about the pictures, we had already tucked into lunch by the time I remembered to snap them. I had a salad that was really nice, no skimping on the lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, dressing etc. It was super reasonable in cost to add a meat, I got pork, added my BBQ sauce of the 8 or so homemade varieties and was happy. Hubby got his typical pulled pork sandwich, fries and beans. I swear it looked like he did not eat any of the beans or fries there were so many! The fries were hot, crispy and delicious with a simple seasoning. Beans were also good and slightly spiced. Sandwich looked divine on the garlic bread, he was really happy. The kids meals were just wow. One kid ordered a pork quesadilla that was man sized, it came with a smokey make and cheese which he suprisingly ate. The other kiddo got a full size cheeseburger and beans. Each of us have leftovers! We will absolutely be back when...

This is honestly probably some of the worst BBQ I’ve ever had. I’m sitting here reading these other reviews and wondering if this was just an off day or did they get their friends to write a bunch of reviews?

We ordered the jalapeño poppers, the smoked wings, and a 3 meat sampler.

The jalapeño poppers were ok. But they weren’t as described on the menu. There was no pork loin wrapped around them. Just a half a slice of bacon. Let’s be honest here. Anyone can slap some cream cheese in a jalapeño and wrap a little bacon around it and it’s gonna be tasty with very little effort.

The wings were definitely the worst smoked wings I’ve ever had. They were cooked well. But they had negative flavor. The absence of flavor in these wings was a mind grenade. I did not know that you could actually make chicken this bland and flavorless.

The brisket was a joke. I’m not convinced it wasn’t sliced pork to be completely honest. I’ve never in my life been served brisket sliced on a meat slicer as thin as deli meat. I kid you not the bacon on the popper was thicker than the brisket was. It tasted kind of like roast beef from the deli at Publix.

The ribs were ok at best. Under cooked for sure. The meat was still super chewy and would not pull away from the bone. But they had a decent flavor at least.

The “smoked” Mac and cheese definitely isn’t smoked and if it is then it’s for about 5 minutes in a 50 gallon pan because that tastes like it’s straight of the the pot. I’ve made smoked Mac and cheese 50 times if I’ve made it once. Been doing it for years. And when you actually smoke it you can taste a huge difference in it.

The smoked chicken breast came as no surprise. It was just as dry as I thought it would be. If you wanna have any shot at a decent smoked breast then you don’t take it off the bone and leave the wing attached to it. Or just stop smoking breast and smoke a dam leg quarter or do half or whole chicken so you can have a chance of retaining some dang moisture.

And last but not least, they forgot my baked beans. Needless to say, I will most definitely never be trying this...

We really wanted to love Crystal River Smokehouse and Grill. The interior has a cozy, lodge-like vibe, but it’s contrasted by folding white tables that detract from the ambiance. This was our first time eating here. We ordered the Smoked Turkey Dip, which was surprisingly good and earned an 8 out of 10, but unfortunately, that was the only highlight of our meal.

I ordered the Smokehouse Burger, medium rare, with a side of mac and cheese. My burger came out cold and well done, and the mac and cheese was, quite frankly, inedible—it tasted like boiled cardboard with barely a hint of cheese. My wife had the Smokehouse Hoagie, which had a bit more flavor than my burger (a very low bar to clear) but left a stale aftertaste. To make matters worse, she was supposed to get fries but ended up with the same terrible mac and cheese. We couldn’t help but wonder if the fries might have been a better option.

Everything we tried had an overall “old” taste, which didn’t come as a surprise given that we arrived at 6 PM on a Saturday and the place was almost empty. We enjoy supporting local businesses and came in with high hopes, but we left very disappointed.

The service, however, was good and not part of our bad experience. I’ve also noticed that the owner often responds defensively to negative reviews. I hope you take this as constructive criticism to help improve the dining experience and draw more customers with better food...