BASTARD Coffee & Kitchen - Xúquer

As a customer, I’ve always believed in second chances. I visited this place twice; once on 22 November and once on 25 November to try the Sunday brunch.

22 Nov: I arrived at around 6 pm and found a cosy table. Within five minutes, a waitress came with a menu and dropped it on the table full of cake crumbs left behind by the previous patron. First impression: the place is dimly lit but spacious with high ceilings, huge windows and white brick walls with an industrial chic feel to it. 20 minutes later, one of the waitresses finally noticed me and took my order. Cappuccino (€3.00) and carrot cake (€4.50). Very expensive for a bland and watery cappuccino. The gigantic slice of carrot cake was divine: rich, plenty of cream cheese frosting and incredibly delicious. I wasn’t impressed with the service but wanted to come back to try the food.

25 Nov: 11:26: I found a seat on one of the long benches at the back end full of students on their laptops. There were several dirty dishes on the table waiting to be cleared. The place was almost full; loud and buzzing, a dog barking indoors, customers crowding at the entrance, servers frantically zooming around like headless chickens.

11:42: A brunette waitress finally noticed me, dropped the menu on the table without saying a word, cleared the dishes and left promptly. A few minutes later, a group of Spanish customers sat at the next table and was almost immediately given a menu.

11:59: The menu was explained in great details by a red-haired waitress to the Spanish group. At this point, I was convinced I was invisible. I chased her down and placed my order, after a good 32 minutes of waiting to be served. High Lane menu (brunch package (€11.50) which includes Eggs Benedict with smoked salmon, caffè latte, fresh orange juice and a slice of cake or pastry.

12:10: My food arrived at around the same time as the Spanish group’s. My plate was chipped in four different places on the rim. Cracked and chipped plates are ideal breeding grounds for bacteria that can contaminate the food, not to mention the risk of cutting yourself. Not that they would know this. The eggs were cold, the Hollandaise sauce was tasteless and the muffins were toasted until dry and hard. There was no dressing on the salad, nor was there olive oil or salt on the table.

My husband arrived after I finished eating and we moved to a different table for two by the window. We were promptly asked to move to another table because it was reserved. I warned my husband about the service, so he went to the counter and got himself a menu. When he ordered the same dish as mine, the brunette waitresses told him that there was a supplemental charge for the latte (I wasn’t informed of this when I first ordered, nor was this written on the brunch menu). We double-checked with the red-haired waitress and were told that there was no extra charge, but she was going to check with her colleague and get back to us. So this went on, back and forth between these two very rude and cranky waitresses without any confirmation from them. Minutes later the caffè latte arrived on the table. No explanation.

We had the carrot cake and the blueberry cheesecake for desserts (included in the package price, reduced in portion). They were the only positive things about this whole experience, but still not worth coming back for.

My husband agreed with my verdict on the food (tasteless) and the service (what service?). We were ready to eat and get the hell out of there. I told my husband that they probably wouldn’t notice if I were to leave without paying. I was right. At the cashier, they charged us for only one set menu plus the coffee that I took with me to the new table. We are good, honest people who just want a good, honest brunch. So we told them about my dish and paid for both of our meals and swore never to return again. There is no love in this place. Not in the food, and most certainly not in the service.

I would've given them a zero-star rating but there's no such option.