Smugglers Inn — Restaurant in England

Whilst the location suited our needs and the staff came across as pleasant, a large number of niggles currently prevents us from recommending this place to others. It might have been different if we’d seen more commitment to ensuring guests have a great stay (which can often turn things around), but even the few things we mentioned whilst there weren’t leapt on as opportunities to improve our experience.||Our first impressions were mixed. Plenty of parking spaces were available when we visited in mid-December and we eventually figured out the route to the downstairs bar / restaurant – where we checked in. However, even allowing for some recent storm damage, the building exterior looks tatty and would benefit from some serious TLC. That’s also true of the accommodation entrance for both the Captain’s Suite and Commanders Cabin – comprising a rickety gate, an external decking staircase that was really slippery when wet and a pair of ill-fitting doors with challenging locks and handles.||The Captain’s Suite itself is spacious but somewhat dark. It didn’t help that three wall-light bulbs weren’t working and the remote for the ceiling light was unreliable (probably needed new batteries). Intriguingly, there’s a ceiling fan and air conditioning in the room (the latter being marked as not in use), so we wonder how the room’s temperature behaves in the summer. The large leather sofa, kettle, pod-based coffee machine, biscuits and bottled water were nonetheless all very welcome.||The en-suite bathroom is large and spread out, with a decent sized bath and compact shower cubicle. Water temperature and pressure were good, although turning the shower on without getting a cold drenching was tricky. It was nice to have basic toiletries and plenty of towels provided, and it was evident that effort had gone into improving the space’s look and usability. Sadly the DIY built-in wardrobe let everything down – with its back, some shelves and the sliding doors either broken or missing.||A simple continental-style breakfast was placed outside the room before 9am each day. Annoyingly the door-slamming and automatic entrance light shining into the bedroom woke us up prematurely on our first morning, when the hamper was delivered considerably earlier. The real let down is that there’s no table in the Captain’s Suite to eat it all from, so you end up perching everything on the footstool and side-table by the sofa hoping for the best. Crumbs went everywhere. Not ideal.||We had our small dog with us and being able to walk straight out of the pub’s beer garden onto the entrance drive and then onto the promenade was useful. When the tide’s out, access to the beach itself is possible in several places with steep steps leading down onto a pebbly foreshore and then wet sandy areas beyond. We didn’t venture out too far, as there are posters warnings of deep mud and we also didn’t want to bring a soggy dog back to the room. A little further down the promenade is a handy clubhouse / restaurant belonging to a neighbouring Hoburne Blue Anchor caravan park. And beyond that is the Driftwood Café, which wasn’t open whilst we were there.||Did we have a comfy and pleasant stay? No, not really. Nobody had checked that the central heating was working prior to our arrival, so the room was initially freezing. Even once the central heating was on, we still had to run to supplement it with the supplied convector heater for the rest of our stay (despite it not being that cold outside). Our first evening’s meal was also pretty mediocre (which seems to fly in the face of some other reviews), so we ate elsewhere for all other meals. The ‘king size’ bed was not king-sized and had a lumpy mattress that felt like it wanted to tip you out. The large-screen TV with satellite receiver didn’t work at any point during our three-night stay and we ended up going out on two evenings specifically to avoid the noise from the bar directly under us (one night being really loud, poorly sung karaoke).||Whilst we can see that some effort has already been made and that much of what we’ve commented on has the potential to be improved in the future, the noise from the bar (and the beer garden) during opening hours is likely to be a permanent feature of any stay here. Overall we felt quite let down and didn’t feel our stay had been particularly good value for money.||Hopefully the owner will seize on our mixed review as a rallying cry to improve this place with so much...

Sadly, plenty of room for improvement

The location suited our needs and the staff came across as pleasant, but a large number of niggles prevents us from recommending this place to others. It might have been different if we’d seen more commitment to ensuring guests have a great stay (which can often turn things around), but even the few things we mentioned whilst there weren’t leapt on as opportunities to improve our experience.

Our first impressions were mixed. Plenty of parking spaces were available when we visited in mid-December and we eventually figured out the route to the downstairs bar / restaurant – where we checked in. However, even allowing for some recent storm damage, the building exterior looks tatty and would benefit from some serious TLC. That’s also true of the accommodation entrance for both the Captain’s Suite and Commanders Cabin – comprising a rickety gate, an external decking staircase that was really slippery when wet and a pair of ill-fitting doors with challenging locks and handles.

A simple continental-style breakfast was placed outside the room before 9am each day. Annoyingly the door-slamming and automatic entrance light shining into the bedroom woke us up prematurely on our first morning, when the hamper was delivered considerably earlier. The real let down is that there’s no table in the Captain’s Suite to eat it all from, so you end up perching everything on the footstool and side-table by the sofa hoping for the best. Crumbs went everywhere. Not ideal.

Did we have a comfy and pleasant stay? No, not really. Nobody had checked that the central heating was working prior to our arrival, so the room was initially freezing. Even once the central heating was on, we still had to run to supplement it with the supplied convector heater for the rest of our stay (despite it not being that cold outside). Our first evening’s meal was also pretty mediocre (which seems to fly in the face of some other reviews), so we ate elsewhere for all other meals. The ‘king size’ bed was not king-sized and had a lumpy mattress that felt like it wanted to tip you out. The large-screen TV with satellite receiver didn’t work at any point during our three-night stay and we ended up going out on two evenings specifically to avoid the noise from the bar directly under us (one night being really loud, poorly sung karaoke).

Whilst we can see that some effort has already been made and that much of what we’ve commented on has the potential to be improved in the future, the noise from the bar (and the beer garden) during opening hours is likely to be a permanent feature of any stay here. Overall we felt quite let down and didn’t feel our stay had been particularly good value for money.

Hopefully the owner will seize on our mixed review as a rallying cry to improve this place with so much...

The Smugglers Inn, took me back to my time as a pirate. I used to love a jolly rogering.

After my meal (and that is stretching the definition of the word to the absolute extremes, given the state of that pork) at the Quay Inn, I felt I needed a break and a strong drink.

I left the Quay Inn and decided to open a portal and teleport to one of my old stomping grounds, the Smuggler's Inn. As I did, I heard word that the old woman and Nigel the ostrich had broken ground in Florida, USA. Apparently, he trampled Trump. Every cloud has a silver lining. The old lady is now unresponsive, but her muscles have seized in place as Nigel continues his seemingly never-ending voyage. Who knew ostriches were buoyant enough to move across the Atlantic Ocean?

I stepped into the portal and appeared in the car park outside the Smuggler's Inn, next to an overturned tree.

I strolled into the door, slid the wood panel back, and walked into the bar. It took me back to my days on the high seas, high-proof rum, and high-priced ladies of the night. Gosh, I missed that lifestyle. Not the syphilis. I don't miss that.

I walked up to the young bar wench and said:

"AAARGH, me hearty! Give us a pint of your finest crazy goat!"

The young lady pumped me a good pint on the hydraulic tap, charged me, and told me to have a nice day! I sipped my cider, and at 6.8%, it was definitely a delicious sipping cider. The whole pub is wonderfully decorated and a must for anybody who happens to be passing.

It was then, my peace was shattered!

"Bernard!"

I knew the voice. The voice of my enemy. Cedric!

"Cedric!" I proclaimed.

"Bernard!" He proclaimed.

"Cedric!" I proclaimed.

"Bernard!" He proclaimed.

This went on for some time until he challenged me to a Cabbage Tossing duel, despite the fact he has a 3-year ban. I accepted.

The bar staff provided us with a cabbage each and drew a line in the field, which is used as the location of a car boot sale just to the left of the pub.

We took our positions. Fondled our cabbages. I threw first, arm over shoulder. The cabbage landed 89 meters away.

I had a round of applause.

Cedric threw next. I felt my heart pounding. Pulse racing. Sweat trickling. Face snarled. He threw the cabbage.

Only 87 meters!

Cedric flew into a rage, screaming and shouting like a child. Then the shadow monsters from the movie Ghost appeared and dragged him off to the deepest, darkest pits of Slough.

Smugglers Inn 5/5 (excellent pub...