The Porch — Restaurant in Tempe

06/06/20- UPDATE- Went back because the burger I'd had was great, but instead of trying something new, I went ahead and got the burger again... it's that tasty! However, this time around, you wouldn't BELIEVE how crazy the experience was! First, the burger arrived without the avocado... okay, no biggie, I just asked for some. But the bun looked strange, so I asked the server if they were absolutely sure it was gluten-free and IT WAS NOT! Thank god I didn't take a bite! She told me the chef was new and maybe didn't understand? This was more than a bit concerning to me to say the least. So obviously it was taken away to be resolved. In the meantime, my companion noticed that his "strawberry lemonade extra sweet" was sour, so he asked for a bit more sweetness. So then they just brought him a new drink, but it was the drink I had ordered, which had alcohol in it and HE DOESN'T DRINK. Had to spit it out. sigh Finally my burger was brought back and I was told that extra attention had been made to make sure it was as gluten-free as possible. However, when they'd taken my original burger away, they'd taken my side of buffalo cauliflower away with it and it didn't come back with the new burger. This was a very, very weird experience and I know it was not their norm. And I probably would have taken away 2 stars if 1-the servers hadn't been so apologetic and more than happy to make things right, and 2-the manager hadn't come over to beg our forgiveness (which was a bit over the top, but appreciated nonetheless as I wasn't mad, just concerned). I'd like to say, "Hey, they're busy, and open for business during a weird time in history," but really, they should be able to manage these things as a business and that many mistakes at one table is a bit ridiculous. But because the food is STILL amazing I may go back again one day and I'd still recommend it, just with a "buyer beware".

05/24/20- Ordered Beyond Burger (I don't eat beef) with the +$1 gluten-free bun (I have Celiac disease). I chose the baked carrot appetizer as my side because on the menu it specifically states they're gluten-free. Server told me that all fries were gluten-free even though they did not have their own dedicated fryer (she said she asked the cook & they told her the fryer cooked away the gluten!); I informed her that it doesn't work that way, otherwise all Celiacs could freely have fried chicken! Anyhow, the burger was entirely too large to fit in an average-sized mouth & had to be partially disassembled (or squashed), but the components (onion, tomato, lettuce, avocado, etc) were all a delicious combination that I would recommend. There was also some sort of spicy vegan sauce on there, that also came as a dip for the baked/seasoned carrots, that was very tasty. Presentation was good. Server was friendly and helpful. Didn't visit the restrooms. Inside looked decent but I'd asked to be seated outside hoping the music would be quieter. Music was not quieter outside & I spent the entire time there yelling and/or asking my companion and/or the server to repeat themselves. Patio seating was lovely otherwise. I think the biggest deterrent for going back is the inability to have a normal conversation with your meal companion(s). However, there were quite a few people drinking and actually either "dancing" in their seats or standing up to dance in place, that perhaps a little thing like yelling a conversation is no big deal. I suggest that their cooks are educated on proper gluten-free practices. I also suggest that rather than having a 1" thick burger patty, make it larger in diameter but only 1/2" thick (I do this at home with Beyond Burgers) & find a (at least gluten-free) bun that isn't 2" thick. I may go back at least one more time and try another of their gluten-free meals. I hope it will taste as great as the burger, with just as nice a presentation, but with the actual execution of eating it a bit more realistic; and that the music might be toned...

After returning to this establishment, I am editing my review.

I went with friends on an impromptu night out to the movies and stopped in at their insistence. Having had a previous bad experience here, I decided to keep my mouth shut and see if things had improved.

Things were worse.

The environment is still artificial and has no a chor in anything even resembling community, but now has the added bonus of staff that seem to be drowning in apathy and existential dread. The parody of TGI Friday's workers from "Office Space" showed more genuine enthusiasm for life than the staff here. They seemed exhausted, tired, run through, like they had seen that there is no light at the end of the tunnel and no way to go back.

Everyone in my group blanched at the prices upon seeing the menu. The proprietors of the chain have clearly decided that it's in the best interests of their pockets to gouge the living daylights out of their customers. The $18 chicken sandwich I mentioned before is now joined by a $20 poke bowl and a pair of tacos that start at $14. The food arrived in timely fashion, though, so the kitchen was running well.

I ordered their standard-issue burger at $17. Folks, there is a Wendy's a scant 100 meters from this place, and I would have been more satisfied with a burger there than the burger I ordered here. Absolutely nothing separated it in any conceivable fashion from any other regular burger you can get at any other sitdown restaurant anywhere on this planet. It was generic, uninspiring, and boring. The regular fries were much the same, however the truffle fries tasted like feet, and my friends that ordered them did not even finish half their portion.

Again, the environment here is not one created by someone who has any interest in making a comfortable place. It's full of the same generic, played-out accouterments and furnishings seen in almost every "sitdown casual" restaurant in the country. It feels like it was assembled from a catalog by hedge fund predators who are more interested in making an extra four cents per quarter than in making a comfortable place to eat. This chain makes Fox Concepts look like Joël Robuchon by comparison.

I'm not expecting the general manager or anyone else involved with this place to give a flying toss about this review. I'm just hoping that anyone who reads it goes literally anywhere else to eat. If you're at the Majestic for a flick, eat there during the movie. If you're in the neighborhood and got curious, keep driving and go anywhere else. Paradise Valley Burger Company on the other side of Rural has comparable burgers for less. If you're hoping this is a good place for a hangout, your hopes will be dashed and broken against the rocks like the boat of a man chasing a siren. This is an abominable place.

If anyone from The Porch is reading this: PAY YOUR STAFF MORE. You people charge twenty dollars for a bowl of fish and rice. You can afford it. Pay your staff more.

Avoid this restaurant. Please, just do not go here, do not give them your money.

ORIGINAL REVIEW: Unbelievably overpriced for the quality. Why are you paying $18 for a chicken sandwich? Even Buffalo Wild Wings doesn't do that. You're paying an outrageous premium for the atmosphere, which feels very artificial and...

Dropped in for lunch on Monday at about 11am and sat at the bar. There were only five others in the restaurant. The bartender was "Standee" (I think I have the name correct) and she was excellent! She was friendly, helpful with suggestions and attentive without being overbearing- full of smiles. Many items on the menu looked delicious. I ordered the "Black + White Tuna Poke Bowl" for an overpriced $20, because I loooove ahi and golden beets! About 10 minutes later it was delivered to me at the bar. The presentation was beautiful and I dug right in. I did notice immediately it was way overdressed with the Sriracha aioli and the dressing was very 'mayonnaise-y' which overwhelmed the dish. There was a huge pile of pickled onions (which I normally love) but there were way too many and very unpleasantly vinegary- not balanced at all. The black rice was totally undercooked and I could barely chew through it- normally I LOVE black rice. The ahi was stringy, chewy and did not soften in the mouth like even decent ahi should. I eat a LOT of sushi and this was not sushi-grade tuna- frankly it was pretty bad- maybe the worst I've ever tasted. The pieces were all attached with strings of connective tissue- a dead giveaway for cheap ahi- not even cut through in the kitchen, which clearly shows a lack of skill, caring and just plain laziness from a kitchen that was no where near busy! Sadly, I only ate a couple pieces and left the rest of the [expensive] ahi in the bowl. The avocado was flavorless and super mushy. There were only a couple small pieces of golden beet amongst a pile of red peppers and cucumbers -which was super disappointing- and they had almost no flavor. I tasted no soy garlic sauce whatsoever- fish and rice beg for soy! I ate less than half of the bowl, asked for my check and left, $25 poorer, hungry and very disappointed- except for the service. For $20 I should be served a dramatically better bowl! Every strip mall poke restaurant does a better job for 13-15 dollars! Porch, you dropped the ball...