Royale Cinema Lounge — Local services in Joplin

Review

I don’t even know where to begin. As you cruise down Langston Hughes, the neon signs grasp your attention. I have no choice but to not resist the pull. I find myself parallel parking in Joplin, a rare necessity. The rain pitter patters as I exit the vehicle. Gravel asphalt crunches beneath my feet.

The door opens and the first thing you notice is the smell: vintage. A rush of freshly unlocked memories of generations bygone come flooding in. The soothing sounds of old school TV white noise floods my ears. The inner 90’s child of this millennial begins to be free. As I gaze upon the classic old school food menu, my wallet feels lighter. Could the prices possible be any more reasonable in the year of our Lord twenty twenty five?

“It’s on the house” the handsome fellow behind the counter says, sliding me a cup of joe freshly brewed just for me, despite the 9 o’clock hour.

The next hour I can only describe as pure euphoria. As I grazed the surely infinite supply of perfectly preserved VHS’s, a new tube TV pops up around every corner. In such a limited space they have found a way to expand the boundaries of space and time.

As I’m lifted away to the clouds, the sensations only tingle even more. Sizzle sound of the popcorn machine, louder than any fajitas ever could be. Creak of the glass door swings open, revealing the new golden triangle. Crunch of the kernels between your teeth. The sodium inundates the tongue with what can only be described as pure bliss. The tasteful use of oil was enough to give even Diddy second thoughts.

As I fall back in my seat, I close my eyes and feel the furniture. Upholstery. The word floats across my imagination. Truly I have arrived. Life no longer has purpose; actualization has been achieved. Surely this is the pinnacle of humanity.

As the excellent selection a full bar of alcohol drifts me away to a land of slumber, I am rocked to sleep. I briefly peek through my eyes. And there he is, the One, the owner, cradling me. Our eyes meet: his are only the two wheels of a VHS, staring back into my soul. I’ve never seen something so beautiful before. “Shhh” he says. I rest my eyes again.

World peace? I think. No; Royale. Cinema....

The Theater That Changed My Life ★★★★★

I came to this theater as a casual moviegoer, but what happened next can only be described as a spiritual awakening. Not only did I reconnect with my childhood best friend—who I hadn’t seen in years—but I also stumbled upon literal gold in the parking lot. True story. The manager said it was “just some old costume jewelry,” but I know what I saw.

We watched a film, naturally, but the movie experience was just the beginning. As the credits rolled, I realized I had lost 5 pounds. No idea how it happened. It’s like the theater’s atmosphere just burns calories as soon as you step inside. If you sit down in a seat, you lose weight. If you get popcorn, you burn fat. Magic.

Oh, and the seats? Comfort so deep, I’m still floating in a cloud of joy. Every snack you buy somehow tastes 10% better than any snack you’ve ever had. And, no, I didn’t just go for the gold (literally), I also found the best nachos of my life.

If you’re looking to reunite with your childhood friends, find treasure, lose weight, and snack like a king or queen—this is the theater for you. It’s like they’ve bottled the secret to happiness, and I’m living proof. 10/10, would...

I don't support any place in this that so adamantly promotes organizations like Watered Gardens. Partnering with a wolf in sheep's clothing for a promotional book release event on how successful their mission is? I don't equate an organization like Watered Gardens with success.

It's baffling to me that an organization that supposedly carries out God's mission to care for the homeless actively discourages the use of tax-funded, pre-allocated SNAP/EBT benefits, all in the name of their own personal politics. For an organization that parades as anti-government, they sure do love to spend all that tax-free donation money to take out misleading advertisements on billboards, the radio, and in the newspaper. Meanwhile, they don't even have enough food reserves to actually feed our unhoused population.

Watered Gardens is a farce, and y'all should be ashamed for agreeing to promote this cash grab of a book. Why not partner with organizations in this town that are actually Christ-like? You know, the ones that don't exclusively operate on political motivation and coercive stipulations when providing shelter and housing to people who...