The Laird — Restaurant in Melbourne

This review is flawed.

It is flawed because you, the reader, likely arrived here looking for an indication of the quality of an event, the drinks, or the Laird's publicans / hosts. This is not misdirected, it is only (innocently) reductive.

The Laird is a unique and special place, and if you have arrived here and are open-minded, you might have just stumbled onto something truly amazing.

The Laird is a male identifying only venue with a small number of guest rooms available upstairs, and like most definitions, this tells you nothing of its calibre.

I first stayed at the Laird in 2023 following the Sydney-hosted world pride & mardi gras celebrations and now return in 2025. During this interval, I have shared with anyone who would listen, my thoughts and feelings around how special this place is.

As I return, I share this review, hoping others find their way here and experience their own version of the Laird.

Growing up I didn't always know I was bisexual, but I did know something was up, and from that moment, be they early days of discovery through to later moments of clarity and coming out, society was clear. As a queer person, you may strive for tolerance, perhaps even acceptance, but these things take time...

Never once in over 40 years did I ever conceive that it was possible to ask or expect anything more, particularly while tolerance and acceptance were improving but still (even now) shakey at the best of times.

Not until I walked into the Laird.

Meeting the hosts, walking through the hall, the common and individual rooms of the Laird, I was overcome with emotion. What had so swiftly shattered my reality and defied all my societal conditioning was a place demonstrating to me that I could ask for and deserve more than tolerance or acceptance.

I could be celebrated.

In every shape and any variation, you are celebrated here. You feel sexy! You feel special!

This is why the Laird is such a unique, exceptional, and important queer space.

Being here, experiencing the space and hospitality for yourself will refuel your soul and remind you that you deserve to be celebrated as much as anyone.

The Laird is customised and catered to you with care and attention, and free of judgement. The hosts, staff, and Harry (the dog) will make you feel part of the family. The vintage posters, art works and scenery make you feel at home.

The community is strong and well supported within the venue and through its management. Events are fun and varied, and while you may not like them all, you might also be surprised. You may even catch my Morrissey-striving tones chanted at a karaoke night one Smiths' induced evening.

This space isn't just important to Victoria, it isn't just important to Australia, it is important to the world.

...and you just might have to come and stay to fully...

We decided to spend a night in the city after seeing a show. We rocked up to the place expecting to check in but at 5 pm it wasn’t open, God forbid if we had wanted to check in earlier. We were travelling by train and previously thought we might check in before the matinee show, luckily we didn’t pursue that. At 5:20 the doors opened and we went to check in, only to be greeted by a surly receptionist, Mark, who clearly couldn’t give a s@@t if we were there or not. After an inordinate amount of time (seriously, how hard is it to find a room key?) we get our slip of paper to sign in, having already paid the $160 for the night (a room with an antiquated en-suite). Anyway, we went out for dinner, had a few drinks and got back to our room thinking we might watch some ‘adult tv’ that was on offer. But the picture was so grainy-gees were these guys using VHS?. We got to bed at 2:30 am expecting to have a nice lie in before heading off to the train station. However, we soon learned that the blinds did not work, we couldn’t close them and so at 6:30 we were woken up by the sunlight streaming into the room. So much for a good nites rest!!! With so many other hotels in the CBD available at $114-$160 per night, we were definitely overcharged for what we got. Another example of a gay business ripping off the gay community. As a side note, we can remember when The Laird was packed with men on a weekend but sadly this has all changed and the maximum men on a Saturday night would have...

We decided to spend a night in the city after seeing a show. We rocked up to the place expecting to check in but at 5 pm it wasn’t open, God forbid if we had wanted to check in earlier. We were travelling by train and previously thought we might check in before the matinee show, luckily we didn’t pursue that. At 5:20 the doors opened and we went to check in, only to be greeted by a surly receptionist, Mark, who clearly couldn’t give a s@@t if we were there or not. After an inordinate amount of time (seriously, how hard is it to find a room key?) we get our slip of paper to sign in, having already paid the $160 for the night (a room with an antiquated en-suite). Anyway, we went out for dinner, had a few drinks and got back to our room thinking we might watch some ‘adult tv’ that was on offer. But the picture was so grainy-gees were these guys using VHS?. We got to bed at 2:30 am expecting to have a nice lie in before heading off to the train station. However, we soon learned that the blinds did not work, we couldn’t close them and so at 6:30 we were woken up by the sunlight streaming into the room. So much for a good nites rest!!! With so many other hotels in the CBD available at $114-$160 per night, we were definitely overcharged for what we got. Another example of a gay business ripping off the gay community. As a side note, we can remember when The Laird was packed with men on a weekend but sadly this has all changed and the maximum men on a Saturday night would have...