No Man's Art Gallery & de bar — Restaurant in Amsterdam

Hey, this is a great little neighborhood spot! I come here often and am happy to give it a 5-star review across the board.

However, I must admit I have an ulterior motive behind writing this review. I'm happy to explain, but I warn you: It's a long story. You see, it all started a few months ago... when I had an awful experience at a DIFFERENT place.

(Let me be clear: the awful place is NOT this place, No Man's Art Gallery & de bar, which is a five-star spot - no doubt. No diggity. Or, yes diggity, if that's the good one. I'm not sure if diggities are good or not - I just know you got to work it.)

Anyway. That other spot - which I won't name here, as much as it'd tickle my goose to slander them (libel them?) - is about to get a THRASHING. It's detailed, long, vicious, and likely mildly poisonous to children and small pets. Like, it's a sick negative review, my dudes.

And I'm writing it up and editing it and I'm thinking yeah, alright, this is a GREAT negative review. I'm sure it'll persuade at least a few wise and sexy and awesome people who share my values to avoid the establishment, and it might even entertain 'em to boot - because the core story behind this sucker is DRIPPING. DRIPPING! D.R.I.P.P.I.N.G. BRO

I know what you're thinking. "With what," you squeeze out in trembling half-breaths, "does it drip?!"

Hah. Dumb question. It just drips, dude. Everything's dripping from it, all over it, it's just a rippin' drippin' story that people are going to identify with and love. Drama. Comedy. Sex. Money. Philanthropy. Altruism. Divinity. Maybe not some of those last ones. But it's so drippy you won't even be able to tell.

Anyway, as I'm brewin' up this (admittedly kinda sucker-y) gut punch to these irresponsible business owners' already laughable 3.9-star rating (I know, fork me for even CONSIDERING patronizing it before checking - you can revoke my millennial card!), I realized something:

I have no clue how long a Google Review can be.

I also assume that only the word "Google" is a proper noun in the preceding sentence, but I'm just rambling for word count here, not going back to fix things. I'm saving THAT energy for Cafet- oops, almost said the name of the bad place! Like I said I wouldn't! Oops!

Ugh, speaking of oops - I realize I've made an awful, rude mistake.

We gotta pivot.

'Cuz this really should have been a rambling story about how AWESOME No Man's is, cuz. Well, the best time to plant a tree...

Look - your cookies are awesome. I love the Big Brunch and get it like once every few weeks. Pancakes aren't my fave (rather one biggie than so many smalls) but that's a pref thing. Great cocktails. Y'all still do chess night?

The garden - OMG. Such a great job with that. Love watching it develop. I remember when it was whatever it was before it is now, and it's so much better!

Staff? Super friendly. Plus: Just plain super. Super friendly and super super. Our obnoxious dog loves to come and yap and scream at people and beg for food at tables and bite children and pee all over and go in the kitchen whenever he wants and everyone's just like "aww". Amazing! (Just kidding. They're simply kind to our dog, who generally behaves. I dunno why I wrote that.)

Anyway, this should be a solid enough test. Wait, did I ever mention the reason I'm writing this long review? I feel like I did. Ok. Cool. This has been an exhausting journey. Thank you for joining me on it. And sorry lol

P.S. Yes I know about Lorem Ipsum

P.P.S. If you’re ALSO writing up a steamin’ Google neggie about some baddie business, note that this is currently 3669 characters and 677 words, so if you’re reading this, you’re good for at least that much rage and...

This (sad) story is called: "You spilled it, you clean it", A.K.A. a complete stranger randomly passing by would be more helpful.

Edit: been a customer since it opened and noticed a huge drop in the service quality. If feels like the main focus is now in being as much hipster as possible rather than offering a nice experience to customers. Let me elaborate: last time I was here, I spilled a beer by mistake (not the first time I see it happening in my life, not the last, sometimes it even happens to waiters, that's life) and when we asked for help cleaning the floor/table, after many ignored attempts, the annoyed waiter eventually arrived and said: you spilled it, you clean it! 😅 (which we actually did way before we were invited to do so). [Please note: If I say something like this to a customer at work I would get fired on the spot or invited to "go get yourself together"] Well, I guess they have a new unique definition of being customer oriented (and I would say even being a kind human being). If I see someone falling on the street I would just help them stand up, even if I am not paid for that. I wouldn't tell this person: you fell, you deal with it. I find this really sad, on a human level really. And no, this doesn't have to do with the old story of "in the Netherlands we always go straight to the point", because there is a huge difference between being rude/unkind and being direct. I remember something similar happening to a friend of mine some time ago in another bar: the staff promptly helped us cleaning using a mob and the host even offered us another beer. (Business as usual). Of course, I didn't expect a new beer, but just a normal service. I guess being nice has become already underrated, left alone helping a customer. Old review: Cool spot in Bos en Lommer to drink a beer, have a bite and admire many art pieces in...

I do like to go there because of the location itself. Cozy and bright atmosphere which makes you wanna stay. Good place to read a book or get some work done (no laptop & laptop zone).

The lunch menu is great too & everything looks really fresh and tasty. You can see them preparing everything from scratch in the little open kitchen. I ordered the soup of the week a couple of times. Taste is usually really good and i like that they go for seasonal veggies (sometimes bit too spicy but that’s personal preference). However, the portions really differ! One time you get a really big bowl, the other day only an appetizer portion, sometimes with bread, the other time without ... should be more consistent.

The service could be better too.. sometimes I find the waitress not really attentive/friendly and food/drinks take too long. Would be great to feel...