Los Patios de Beatas — Restaurant in Málaga

Wife orders a salad and ceviche for dinner — two appetizers, because apparently tonight she’s living dangerously. I go civilized: Squash and Scallop soup, and some lamb chops. The server asks if I want potatoes or vegetables with the lamb. I say veggies, because I’m an adult who occasionally makes good choices.

First course shows up — soup’s fine, nobody dies. Then they bring out the ceviche, slap it down between us like we’re supposed to fight for it. We explain, no, genius, that's her meal. He apologizes, like a man who just realized he forgot to put the main course on the grill — because, spoiler alert, he forgot to put the main course on the grill.

Thirty minutes later (because why rush?), the lamb chops finally appear. Well, technically they appear — what actually lands on my plate are three sad grey meat Frisbees. No pink. No juice. Just pure, well-done sadness you could resole boots with.

And because it’s amateur hour, he brings potatoes. Not veggies. Potatoes. I tell him — again — that I ordered veggies. He scurries off and brings some broccoli or whatever, which I gnaw on like a prisoner desperate to get paroled.

So, to recap: after a long meal and spectacularly bad service, I leave having consumed soup and vegetables. No lamb. They didn’t charge me for the inedible lamb chops — thanks, heroes — but they did charge me for the French fries I didn’t order and sure as hell didn’t eat.

Five-star experience all around. Can’t wait to...

I write this with a heavy heart as I thought the front of house manager was very nice…….however the experience was a total disaster. Maybe, just maybe, if you go for only the ham, cheese and wine, the experience won’t be so bad, but as a restaurant, avoid at all costs. The staff (bless them) haven’t got a clue, making silly jokes and displaying gimmicks. We don’t speak Spanish, but between us we’re fluent in English, Italian, French, and German which in my opinion should’ve sufficed, but sadly no - it was Spanish or “nada”, which in my opinion is unacceptable in a restaurant of a supposed high standard. But the icing on the cake are the dishes themselves - you can’t add ingredients or interpret them as you please. •Firstly Tempura is not breaded, it’s a light batter •Do not serve on a bed of hummus and coriander leaves without informing us •Nor can you add caviar, yes caviar, to a beef tartar, again without advising us. Caviar, cumin loaded hummus, fresh coriander- these are strong flavours that are very subjective and must not be added at a chefs discretion….ever. OK, they took the beef tartar off the bill, but this is not the point - I ordered with the intention to eat and pay - deducting the cost from the bill doesn’t change anything, I’m afraid. Timing was out on everything. They are struggling and the incompetence is blatant. Again, I’m sorry, but with all the well run restaurants in Malaga, I left annoyed that one of my evenings had...

We had dinner here and have mixed feelings about the experience. The place is beautiful – the decor is elegant, and the atmosphere is charming. Service was excellent; we really appreciated the attention to detail from the staff, like how the olive oil was poured and the sommelier’s wine recommendations – very professional and welcoming.

However, the food itself was underwhelming. For starters, we had the pork belly and tiradito de calamar. The fish was fantastic – fresh and full of flavor. Sadly, the pork belly was dry and tasteless, which was disappointing because it had great potential to be an outstanding dish.

For mains, we had the entrecôte and a black cod dish with coconut sauce. This time, the reverse: the steak was excellent – juicy, flavorful, and perfectly cooked. The fish, however, was disappointing. The coconut sauce was so overpowering that it completely masked the flavor of the fish. I couldn’t even finish it.

The baby vegetable salad was nicely dressed and a pleasant side.

Overall, we really wanted to love this place – and there’s a lot to like – but for this price, we expected the food to be more consistent in quality. A bit of a...