Helium Comedy Club — Restaurant in Portland

What a terrible night out! Geez, where do i start? How about… at the beginning. Went to a show on a Saturday night. No reserved seats so if we wanted to sit with our friends, we had to show up an HOUR before show time. WTAF? Just do reservations. So we walk up to the venue and are greeted by a wall of cigarette smoke outside the door… well within the legally required 10 feet from the door. Great start.

We climb the stairs (good thing we aren’t ADA) and walk right past the ticket window. The pissy girl working it actually YELLED at us because we actually didn’t know their process. Mind you, there is zero signage and zero traffic control so you would have to be a regular or a psychic to know that you are required to stop and talk to pissy girl. So she checks us in and points to a crowd of people. We ask if we need to go stand in line and she said something snarky under her breath without answering our very legitimate question. Again, no signage. She was clearly put out by having to deal with people wanting to spend money. So we go where she gestured… and there was no indication of which of the many lines we were supposed to stand in. So we wandered around and found a line that we decided to stand in. Some other customers asked if they were in the right spot and we didn’t know, either. There were lines everywhere. They did have tape on the floor so I guess that could have been a clue? I still don’t know.

Well, we got shuttled through the meet and greet line which was actually the best part of the night because we got to meet the headliner. Then after that we were… free to.. go? Stay? I don’t know. There was a line on the stairs and a bar and another room. Well, we strolled into the bar, hoping we wouldn’t miss the opening of the theater. Eventually they called group B and there were Bs written on the back of our tickets so we went ahead and followed.

They led us into the theater and the one thing that stood out.. they had the AC on. In December. Now I get that you don’t want to be hot when you’re packed in but they need to get a thermostat. Even with my winter jacket zipped up, I was just about shivering the entire show. And it wasn’t just me. Everybody around us was cold. Like cold enough that you’re sitting there the whole time thinking about how cold you are. How is that enjoyable?

Anyway, we get our seats (together…yay!) and order our first round. The menu said mojito but what came out was something like seltzer water with lime? It was literally the worst mixed drink I have ever tasted. I used to go to Embers back in the day and those were palatable. This drink was like what AI does to hands. The bartender knows what a drink is but has no idea how to make one. And, of course, it was $12, 6 ounces and all ice. My advice: pre-load and just order the 2 cheapest things on the menu. Or get it in the can because that is really hard to screw up.

So they start the show. The host tells us about a contest and tells us they’ll announce the winner. We had to opt in to their marketing… and they didn’t announce a winner. But I’ve got some new spam to be on the lookout for so that’s great.

The show’s presentation was good but it was just really cold. That’s the takeaway. Terrible drinks and hypothermia. Plus the joy of interacting with their pissy employees.

If the management figured out how to herd people through without treating them like cattle, they checked in on the customer experience and they canned that pissy chick at the ticket booth (along with about half of the employees including all of the bartenders) then this could be a...

Updating for my most recent visit on 4-6-23 for the 2023 WRCT. This review is partially in response to some of the recent negative reviews. I had none of negative experiences that some seem to have at Helium PDX. Staff was friendly and welcoming. Not one staff member mentioned the two drink minimum (which is standard at virtually every comedy club). In fact, I had to ask if my beer and hummus plate qualified for the minimum. It did. As for food, I just had a hummus plate, but the hummus was good and the vegies were fresh. The pitta bread was okay, but I wasn't expecting much. I sat towards the front so can't really address the sight line issues, but no man bun in front of me this time. I didn't find this club to be any more crowded than any other comedy club I've been to. I'll be back in the future for sure.

Below is initial 4 star review from 2022:

We went to the Well Red Comedy Tour performance at Helium on Saturday April 16. Overall we had a good experience. The sight lines were pretty good from our bench seats (69A and 69B). The dork in front of us had a man bun sticking straight up so my wife had to shift over but that is one advantage of the bench seats. Not the clubs fault, but seriously if you are going to wear a man bun to a performance have it on the back of your head, not the top in consideration of the people behind you, especially if you are tall to begin with.

The food was decent, but wife ordered a Caesar Salad with dressing on the side and what she got was drenched with dressing and extra dressing on the side. Given the time crunch they didn't have time to replace it. My pulled pork sandwich was good. You don't go to a comedy club for the food but this was decent enough. I don't drink but my wife's drink was a decent pour, though on the expensive side, but that isn't surprising at a comedy club.

We were a bit worried about coming in as this was our first trip into that part of town since pre COVID times, but we were able to find street parking right close to the club and we felt safe in the short distance to club entrance.

They do seem quite aggressive about heckling performers as one person in the front row was kicked out for interrupting the performers, not even really heckling so keep that in mind. Not a problem for me, but the guy who got kicked out was not real...

I know this review might be met with the usual response: a dismissive apology or a generic explanation. But let’s skip the performance. What this establishment truly needs is to retrain staff on basic customer service or be honest and add tipping as another mandatory fee, the same way they force the two item minimum. At least then the expectation would match the transaction.

We came to this venue to enjoy a comedy show featuring Alfred Robles. Instead, we experienced a setup designed to exploit and humiliate.

This place enforces a mandatory two-item minimum per person. Not requested. Enforced. The items are overpriced, and when questioned, they hide behind the phrase “industry standard.” Let’s be clear. Forcing someone to spend money is not service. It’s coercion. And when you coerce a transaction, you forfeit the expectation of gratitude, let alone a tip.

But the real offense wasn’t just policy. It was attitude.

After we paid, the waitress saw that I didn’t leave a tip. She slammed her hand on the table, looked me in the eye, and said, “You can leave the cash tip here. Sorry our service wasn’t good.” Her tone was condescending and passive aggressive. Then she immediately turned her back and walked away before I could respond. It was deliberate. She weaponized the silence of the room and the structure of the show to avoid accountability and flex control.

Let’s call it what it is. This was about race.

There’s a pattern here. One that people of color know too well. The tone. The treatment. The superiority complex. She believed she could talk down to us and get away with it because we were expected to sit still and stay quiet. That kind of behavior isn’t isolated. It’s tolerated. It’s normalized. And it’s protected by places like this.

Respect is not given where it is not shown. And silence in the face of subtle disrespect is complicity. We owe it to ourselves and to those who come after us to call this out by name and in public.

So here it is. This place disrespected us, tried to shame us, and expected us to stay silent. They will...