Harbour Hotel Chichester — Hotel in Chichester

STEPHEN KING’S FAWLTY TOWER||Please do not read this review before you go to sleep. It will give you nightmares. Because the details about staying at the Harbour Hotel in Chichester are the stuff that real life terror is made. A seemingly nice veneer that houses a memorably incompetent staff (except for Angelina), ‘totally unacceptable customer service’, ‘broken promises’, ‘creepy experiences’, gravy-ed with former occupants’ trash and discarded tissues under the pullout. And bees. ||Now, before I get started with the grisly details, let me say that I know this might sound like a lot of ‘first world problems’. Because when you pay in excess of a 1000 quid a night, you expect the best. Also, understand, we are not rich. But, my son is a loving and over-doting workhouse who slaved away hard to make my dream of going to the Goodwood Revival in first class style for three days, come true. As a Birthday present to me. ||It was a decades-old dream of mine that he was making my reality.||He worked. Saved. Scrimped. And made it happen. It was all a First Class experience except for the Harbour Hotel.||The first nite. We are met at the desk by John, an effusive character. My son and I reassured him that ‘we are very low maintenance’.||John escorted us to The Cottage off the alley in the back and the initial presentation was pretty terrific. The illusion began to unravel. There is no downstairs water except for the one bottle the hotel allotted. There was plenty of free gin. In a carafe with glasses. A free bottle on the dining room table. Free gin. Free gin. ||But, if you drink water more than gin, you have to go through the inconvenience of going to the upstairs bathroom and get filled up at the bathroom sink. Oooo, classy!||I think the water to gin ratio is by design. Harbour Hotel doesn’t want you to notice ‘things’. They want you to be ‘blind drunk’, not hydrated.||John showed us around. The downstairs bedroom. The bathroom. Where he proudly pointed out the television in the wall of the shower. He tried to turn it on. It didn’t react. He said he’d go get batteries. Like a flash, he was back and said the tv was working. ||‘Anything else?’, ‘No. Thanks”. John splits. Quickly. Before we notice the next wrong thing. ||(I wish John had spent seconds on how to operate the shower and bath. Such a confusing task. Horribly designed. Daunting. Be careful with the shower. You get easily scalded. I defy anyone to get it right on multiple tries. Ridiculous).||We ordered room service. Piffle. I asked my son, ‘What kind of meat was that in the salad?’ My son quickly answered, ‘I have no idea’.||My son and I prep to go to sleep to get an early start at Goodwood Revival - Day 1.||I just want a hot bath. John had said the tv was working. He was half-right. The audio was working, not the video. The sound coming out was an annoyingly ghost-like and hissing whisper between an invisible man and woman. Nails on a blackboard.||I call John. On the spot, he returns and hit’s all the buttons. Nothing happens. He laments that there is nothing he can do about it. My son suggests, ‘Just go to the breaker box, turn the power off, back on, reboot’. John pathetically replies, ‘They don’t give us the key to it. I’ll get in touch with the electrician tomorrow’.||We would come to discover that whenever a staff member couldn’t solve a problem, which is always and constantly, they’d say, ‘I’ll get in touch with the electrician tomorrow and tell him’. I really began to feel sorry for this invisible electrician, ‘He must have a ‘to do’ list a mile long’.||No hot bath. A pathetically dibbling kind of shower had to suit me. I climb into bed. Ready for sleep.||There’s a dead bee on the window sill of the upstair’s bedroom. In the open. ‘How did housekeeping miss that?’. Blind? This would be a foreshadowing of the Stephen King-esque terror on the horizon. ||I choose not to call John about this latest aggravation. I think I was more concerned about the electrician getting piled on with more work.||I decide to leave the dead bee exactly where it is. To see when it gets cleaned away. After Day 2 and a complaint, it is finally cleaned away.||Meanwhile, in the downstair’s bedroom, my son discovered, under his bed a bag of popcorn, the discarded (gag) used tissues and dust bunnies that looked like they were planning to ‘lead a revolution’. Clearly, no one had cleaned under there in possibly decades.||And all through the night, the ghostly couple’s voices echoed off the walls of the bathroom. So creepy. Try sleeping through that.||The next morning, I complain to the lady at the front desk about the ‘ghostly voices of the haunted cottage’ as well as the conspicuous carcass of the bee.||But, let’s cut to the chase. Our third night stay at Hotel One Thousand Quid a Night. Let me paint you a picture. It’s 5:00 a.m. Monday morning. I have to use the loo. The ghostly voices are gone. But, as I swing the door open, turn on the light...a swarm of aggravated and buzzing bees...erupts. Obviously annoyed at being awakened in the dark, I am thrown into a real-life nightmare. ||The bees are darting at me. Hyper-buzzing. They are being reinforced by others coming out of the wall. I grab a towel to try and knock them away from me. Instantly, I’m at a point where they have to go, that’s all there is to it. I’m a Buddhist. It’s hard for me to kill. But, in this instant. At these prices. It’s them or me. Live or die. It’s on. I count to 17. For each bee, I think I’ve killed. ||I take a break. Get out of the bathroom. I call the desk. It takes a while for an answer. The next useless mannequin I get is ‘Michael’. I am calm and I tell him what is going on in The Cottage. The Bees. Michael says, ‘I’ll send someone right up!’ I interrupt him and say, ‘Oh, god no, is that Harbor’s response to everything that you’re going to send someone up? Spare the electrician!’. Michael’s response is, ‘I can let you take a shower in the spa’.||I’m like, “Goodbye, Michael. Go back to sleep’.||Meanwhile, my son has been pushed out of his much-needed lavender swim and is wondering, ‘What’s Dad doing up there? Packing? Sounds like he’s beating up the bathroom...’ ||As my son falls back to sleep, I go back to the bathroom for Round Two with the Bees.||They’re reinforced. I’m swatting. Killing. I look out into the stairwell and more are coming out of the fire alarm. Three have snuck into my bedroom. The Killing Fields are expanding.||I squish them all dead. Trying to make sure they’re not in our path. As we all know, a dead bee can still sting.||I go downstairs and explain to my son what is going on. He’s incredulous. ||I go to make myself a cup of instant coffee. Whoever didn’t fully clean The Cottage yesterday has forgotten to replenish the packages of instant coffee. Typical Harbor Hotel work ethic at play.||Sleepily, my son goes up to the bathroom. As un-luck would have it, he is stung.||As an ex-EMT basic, I jump in to remove the stinger.||Imagine if my son, or any one else, had a bee allergen. Got stung. Gone into anaphylactic shock.||My son and I go to the front desk. Michael, John and an unfortunate newbie are pow-wowing in a tight circle. Gossiping. Giggling as Michael tells a story. ||My son and I lay out the latest Harbor Hotel experience. The Bees. The trio feign interest and listen. My son starts by saying ‘totally unacceptable on so many levels’.||Having had his say. Fed up. Disgusted. He and I just want away from Harbour. As we round a corner, the trio begins to laugh out loud.||(Maybe that’s the hallmark of a visit to a Harbor Hotel. Among the staff. Giggling responses. Gossip. To belittle the incessant customer discomfort).||We walk on. We pack. Quickly. We just want out and away from the Harbor Hotel. On our walking out, a waitress intercepts us and brightly asks if we want breakfast. I ask if there’s ‘a place to get breakfast around here’. She answers, ‘Here’.||My answer was, “No, I meant ‘anywhere but here’.||We stop at the desk. John (’Anything I can get you’) is falling all over himself and saying, ‘I’ll credit your last night’.||My son, graciously accepts. And asks, ‘If we had a bee allergen, do you have Epi-Pens?’||And one of the dummies answered, ‘We have a First Aid kit somewhere”.||My son turns to me with a look as if to say, ‘Dad? Anything you like to add?’||And, I lay them out for all their ineptness, piss-poor customer service, fraud, ‘feigning concern’, ‘laughing behind out backs’, ‘inefficiency’ - but you’ve read it all already. I don’t need to repeat it... ||Attention, Goodwood Attendees! Stay in Portsmouth next year. My son and I will. Just not at a Harbor Hotel, where their motto is - “Come to the Harbor Hotel where you can...

We booked this hotel with a group of friends as we were attending a wedding in the local area. Having stayed previously at the harbour in Christchurch we were expecting great things. ||The booking was made months in advance and we were all looking forward to a relaxing stay at the hotel and spa. Upon arrival we were lucky enough to get a space in the car park although these are quite limited and chargeable. The area at the rear of the hotel when you arrive is very run down and also a building site, it’s good to see they are trying to improve things here.||Unfortunately our room wasn’t available although some people in our group did manage to get into theirs early to get changed for the wedding. We asked if there was anywhere we might be able to get ready and unfortunately aside from the toilets or car park there is not.||After getting changed between 2 cars in the car park we headed to the bar for a drink. First impressions of the bar area is just how worn out and dirty all the furniture is! Very tatty and threadbare in places with last night’s snacks still on the floor under the tables! They could have at least swept up.||After arriving back at the hotel just before midnight we were able to get our room key and traipse up to our room with our luggage that had sat by reception all day. The room itself was pleasant enough, on the surface it looks clean. However I put a bag on top of the wardrobe which came down covered in dust.||Overnight an invoice was slid under the door for 2 breakfasts and parking totalling £46. I had said at check in we won’t be eating breakfast as we had planned to meet friends elsewhere. Some of our group did opt to have breakfast at the hotel and were fairly disappointed as items were missing.||The main reason we booked this hotel rather than a cheaper option, was so we could relax in the morning with a jacuzzi and steam. When we tried to access these facilities we were greeted with a sign saying they were closed for maintenance. This was very disappointing indeed. ||We decided to just check out and leave and were told we needed to pay the £46. The receptionist was unsure why the charge had been applied as we didn’t have breakfast. After some checking apparently the charges are automatically added at midnight just incase! I mentioned we were disappointed the spa facilities were not available for us to use, I was told the lack of availability was reflected in the room rate. Not for us it wasn’t as we booked and paid 6 months previously!||I asked if we can have a voucher to use the spa facility at our local harbour hotel for a few hours. I was told someone will call us same day to arrange this. Unfortunately nobody called.||Overall too many things were amiss to give this hotel a good review. When you pay a premium price it is expected everything should be spot on. No real apology was offered for the lack of facilities. We gave an opportunity to resolve the situation without asking for any refund and that opportunity was missed as well. I certainly wouldn’t...

My boyfriend and I booked this hotel as a special treat for a weekend getaway in Chichester. I don't know whether the prices were jacked up for the bank holiday weekend, but at nearly £300 a night we were looking forward to something really quite special. Unfortunately however, whilst the hotel was perfectly decent and we had a lovely weekend, it was certainly not the luxury experience we were expecting. We booked the cheapest room at the hotel, but quite frankly, you can not sell a room that small for £300 a night, bank holiday or not. And by small I mean, it was only just big enough for a double bed. We had to really squeeze around the gap between the bed and the wall to get into bed. We liked the decor in the hotel and the room, there was complementary bottled water and a nice touch was that there was also complementary gin in the room (although the tonic water we had to pay for but that's ok). But when we asked for the complimentary ice to accompany the gin and tonic we were told at reception to get it ourselves from the bar. I really don't mind doing that at all, but you can not bill that as a luxury service because it's not. I will also add that there was a 45 minute wait for our cooked breakfast in the morning. The continental breakfast offering was merely average at best, if not verging on poor, with only a little more choice on offer other than cereals, toast, croissants, yoghurt and fruit salad. Where were the exciting options we were expecting?! Incidentally, I also had to tell the staff on 3 separate occasions that I had already pre paid for the cooked breakfast, which was frustrating. And there was no air conditioning although a fan was provided. Apparently the building is grade two listed so air con can’t be installed, but the long and short of it was that we were uncomfortably hot at night and it wasn’t even the heat of summer. Oh, and the lift was an old fashioned and extremely temperamental lift - we witnessed one poor panic stricken woman getting stuck in it as we checked out. None of these things scream luxury. All in all, an average to below average hotel with quirks you'd be prepared to put up with normally, but not at those prices.

Update: a month ago the restaurant replied publicly to the above google review saying that they would get in touch with me about the points I had raised. However, I have heard nothing from the hotel since, and can only conclude that their reply was a PR response designed to make the hotel look good without any real substance behind it. I have subsequently downgraded my review from three stars to two. ...