Travelodge London Balham — Hotel in London

Title: A Sleep-Deprived Fever Dream in Balham’s Bunker of Doom

If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to sleep inside a tin can being smacked by a sledgehammer 392 times a night, look no further than Travelodge Balham. Nestled conveniently above what feels like every train track in London, the entire hotel shudders violently every few minutes as locomotives from every rail provider under the sun rattle past. Forget counting sheep — you’ll be counting train-induced seizures instead.

Upon entering my room on the ground floor, I noticed the windows were sealed shut “for our safety” — a chilling euphemism, perhaps, for “we gave up trying to keep the outside noise out, so now we’re locking you in.” Despite there being multiple ways to heat the room (boiling in your own despair included), there isn’t a single way to get fresh air unless you count the occasional gust of train grease sneaking through the wall cavities.

Now, let’s talk about the breakfast box, which was solemnly presented to me like an urn — a beige, lifeless cube that looked like it contained the remains of someone’s dignity rather than food. Inside was a sad little parade of ultra-processed misery, crowned by a carton of milk. As someone for whom dairy causes a gastrointestinal apocalypse, this was less “continental breakfast” and more “fire hazard waiting to happen.” The gas alone could’ve triggered an evacuation. Thanks for the tension.

Sleep? Not really. Comfort? Only if you find comfort in the sound of your own sanity leaving your body. Fresh air? As mythical as decent Wi-Fi in this place.

Travelodge Balham — where the only journey you’ll take is...

I stay in hotels on a weekly basis both in the UK and all over the world for work. I have stayed in travelodge hotels on occasions to numerous to mention to the point of adding this hotel to a number of bookings for a close friend of mine. At reception you are handed a small bottle of water which appears to be a welcome detail on a hot summers night, but hold on and wait for the horror to unfold. On my friends stay two weeks ago I found it odd when he told me the room was very hot and the window in the room did not open and there was no Aircon. To my horror on entering the room on this occasion the rooms are like a sauna with a small fan and an unbearable heat stretching through the hallway and into the rooms. I can't believe that what appears to be a new facility is without ventilation which is in itself quite a disgusting and unhealthy idea. I asked reception if any of the windows open in the rooms in the building and she answered "no". I'll temper down my advice to future travellers to this unit in the travelodge group...if you are hugely overweight and on a low budget and want to lose a few pounds stewing in the juices of your own sweat then this is the hotel for you😆 If you have any health concerns concerning dehydration, menopause etc...don't even think about staying here. I think it's absolutely disgusting that this should be offered as a hotel option. Whoever thought this was a good design concept should be fired and banished to a far away island that's hot...with no ventilation! Open the windows before someone dies of dehydration and that's...

Stayed here for three nights, and no staff came to provide fresh towels/tea & coffee refills despite me hanging the sign outside the door every time I left. The sink in room 218 became blocked after just one use and I could not get the plug out — tried to resolve this issue but there was no staff at reception at the time so decided to just leave it and brush my teeth in the shower/over the toilet…. Poor ventilation in the bathroom so the floor was still soaking wet even 8+ hours after I’d showered. The man who checked me in was absolutely miserable — not sure what his name was, and I’m hoping he was just having a bad day, because if he is like that with all guests it definitely will not make you feel welcome, especially if you are coming here from outside London and don’t know how the locals are (I appreciate a lot of tourists can definitely be annoying but…. come on! Even making eye contact goes a long way!)||||I will say my bed was comfortable enough. Overall would definitely stay at a different location when I return...