La Porchetta Reservoir — Restaurant in Melbourne

I knew getting back in the "dating game" would be a challenge after being out of it for over 5 years. When I was released from Barwon prison, I had to learn all the new things "the dating crowd" was trying. I knew about scented candles and Luther Vandross CDs, and sure was glad to hear people still use them. But I had no idea that "lube" was so popular with the "romantics" out there. All it took was one stroll through the 7/11 personal hygiene aisle to prove I had to learn a new thing.

"Where to start?", I wondered. I wanted something simple. However, all I saw in the stores were lubricants that were flavored with cinnamon and paprika, or designed to somehow "heat" your private parts. No way, Jose! (I experienced the "heat" thing personally once after an adventurous incident with a toaster. I'll stick with "room temperature" from now on, thank you very much.)

The product only took a week to arrive, and got to my apartment just in time for my first real "date" since the gas station incident. You can bet I was nervous for this one. When I got off the bus to meet Carla in front of the Chili's, I just about had a heart attack! The only thing keeping me calm was knowing that I could not possibly run out of lube that night. I gave Carla a reassuring nod and smile, as if to say "Don't worry, Carla, I have plenty of lubricant for later."

The dinner was great, and after knocking back a couple Mojo Mango Margaritas, we were ready to head back to my apartment. I winked and told Carla, "Let's SLIP on out of here," to see if she understood the lubricant lingo. I think she did. Throughout the bus ride back, I grinned and hummed Luther Vandross tunes to set the mood.

When we got to my place, I already had a candle burning. It was by "Glade", which I think you pronounce like the singer Sade, because it is an exotic candle that smells just like real pine. After we got comfortable, I asked Carla if she could help me with the lube. She looked at me weird, and I couldn't tell if it was because she thought it was "too soon" or because I was pushing a mechanical lift to get the drum barrel out of the storage closet.

So I "took the initiative", as women like men to do, and rolled the barrel out into the living room. "Ready to tap the keg?" I joked, and by "keg" I meant "55-litre barrel of personal lubricant." She looked at me all shocked, and said "That's it, I'm out of here!" I asked why, since she didn't need to run to Walgreens for more lubricant - there was plenty right here. But she didn't answer, and got up to leave anyway. Then, as Carla was about to pass me and the barrel, she tripped on my dog Poochie and fell right into the lube barrel! The force of the impact downed the barrel and knocked its lid off, sending 55 litres of water-based lubricant across my faux-hardwood floors.

Carla was completely drenched, and her momentum slid her to the front door - which she somehow managed to pry open with a pair of oven mitts. The last thing I knew, "No-Fun Carla" was screaming profanities and sliding down three flights of steps. I didn't pay much attention because I was too busy trying to salvage the lube. I managed to get about half of it back into the barrel - the other half probably seeped into Mrs. Pulaski's unit below me. I never bothered to ask if she appreciated the free gift of lubricant.

Anyway, despite my "user error", I was quite pleased with the product. These days it's hard to find 55 Litres of scent-free water-based lubricant, and you can find it right here at a discount rate! I had to give it only "4 Stars" because it didn't come with a lifting apparatus. I had to buy my own mechanical lift separately to haul the bin to my future "dates". So if you're ready for fun, "slide" on down to a high quality product at a...

For the past 10 years we have gone to La Porchetta for every family birthday, the staff were always amazing, customer service was second to none and the food quality was amazing. The place was always busy and so many customers.

This year we attended for a birthday dinner, our first warning to leave should've been the sticky unwashed floor, however we stayed. Apart from our family there was only 2 other people dining in the whole restaurant.

The waitress could not understand english and we had to repeat out order multiple times. When the food finally came the chips were soggy and cold, all adults were served their meals and were almost finished by the time the children received theres- we had to ask multiple times were the children's meals were. We had to ask multiple times for sauces, vinegar ect. The food was bellow average at best, the children's pasta sauce tasted out of a can. Not worth the wait at all.

The cheesy garlic bread had a long black hair in it- we informed the waitress who did not offer any apology or replacement just shrugged her shoulders and took it back. We paid the meals and then asked for the waitress to bring out the cake and plates so we could serve up the birthday cake.

The waitress passed us plates and no spoons, I then had to ask again where the spoon's were and waited multiple minutes for them. After cutting up the cake and distributing it to the family members we were informed by multiple people that they had oil or some substance on their hands from the bottom of the plate. We showed the management the plate to which they replied it was probably from the dish washer. We had to throw out the slices of cake that were on the dirty plates.

We spoke to management about all our concerns he then proceeded to become argumentative, roll his eyes, laugh and smirk being completely dismissive of our experience and treated us extremely poorly.

We then were offered a measly coffee to make up for the concerns- If i could not trust his plates to be clean, there was no way we would be open to having a coffee from a cup that is washed by the same people who obviously have poor cleanliness standards.

The manager proceeded to say your family are not the only people we need to serve- when in reality apart from two others we were. For a restaurant to only have 2 customers apart from us for a whole night shows how unpopular and how bad this business is now doing.

The waitress, manager and another staff member were all laughing and smirking the whole time through our complaint.To be treated that poorly when we spent over $520 is disgusting. We will NEVER go back there and I will ensure that I let everyone know be aware of how low the...

Attended a birthday last night. The birthday girl had hair in her food, despite showing staff, the situation was dismissed and food inedible. My daughter recieved her meal after everyone had finished eating and it came out barely warm. Everyone's chips were cold and soggy. After a terrible dinner, we prepared to serve cake. We had to ask for plates. Then ask for spoons. Mind you, aside from our party there was only one other table of 2. The waitress was clearly untrained and stressed. While serving cake we noticed the underneath was coated in oil, then upon further inspection we realised the plates were in fact dirty. After showing staff and manager, again it was dismissed and all of the slices of cake had to be thrown out. The Birthday girl was laughed at, mocked and treated with absolute disrespect by the staff after she complained about everything. When I was paying at register the "chef" was angry and intimidating and to top it off before handing me my receipt, he wiped his nose with his bare hands - no sanitising or washing after. A clear indication of the poor hygiene practises and explanation to the inedible food. Overall an unforgettable experience I pray to...