The Poacher Portishead — Restaurant in England

Where to begin. Avoid eating here if you want to be served in a timely manner. This has been one of the most bizarre experiences post-lockdown. A hour and 10 minute wait for food.

The pub wasn't that busy, so we thought we'd pop in and grab something to eat.

Credit where credit is due the wait staff started off attentive and we placed a drinks order within about 5 minutes of sitting down. The drinks were brought over and we tried to place our order. This is where it started to go wrong.

The veggie burger on the menu says you have to ask what it is as it changes, to which the wait staff had to go check what it was and then came back to say they didn't have it. Ok fine no big deal, I thought I'd order something else.

Orders placed, we waited. And we waited. And we waited.

At the 40 minute mark cutlery was brought to the table, and a passing comment of "your food will be out soon" was made. Great! At this point it was 20.45, still not busy in the slightest (to the point where bar staff were cleaning and wiping the bar, starting to pack away for the night)

Que another 30 minute wait, at this point people who came in after us had there starters and staff looked as if they were actively avoiding us. I approached a member of staff, which I have later identified as what I believe is the landlady, to ask what was going on.

To say she shouldn't be in the service industry is a understatement.

I informed her of the issue and she then said " go sit down, you shouldn't be stood at the bar" (fair enough, but I wouldn't have had too go up to the bar if our food would have turned up!)

So she scuttled off, to what I think was the kitchen, for what was about 5 minutes. After which, she came back to the bar, poured a glass of wine (which we though was for our food, which she was ment to be sorting) and the disappeared again. 5 minutes later we saw her talking to a couple on a table by the door and then that was it! It's like she vanished into a worm hole, never to be seen again. I do hope she enjoyed the glass of wine she poured herself though.

This ment we were now her underlings issue! Upon getting one of the waitresses attention, who was the youngest and most helpful out of the three, the food started to arrive. God I wish I could tell you that it was the best food I'd eaten, how I could compare it to angels dancing on my tongue. But alas, this isn't one of those stories.

The food I ordered tasted room temperature and out of can. It's like they forgot it had been ordered and sat in the window for 30 minutes. The presentation of said food was as if someone had aimed at the plate from 20 metres away and threw it across the kitchen.

The food of the person I came with came looked charcoaled. But this was the final straw and the point we sent it all back, asking for the bill to pay for the drinks we had and were met with " oh, we were going to give you some free drinks with your food"

Sounds like a terrible deal to me! We give you £30 pounds for two meals, one of which looks like road kill and the other missing the red wine jus, and you give us two soft drinks.

So we paid our £6 drinks tab, and went to leave. A member of staff shouted something about going to the windmill as we walked out the door.

Then again, looking at the owners response on reviews left on Google, I'm not surprised they are bitterly trying to push customers out of their door.

Too long, didn't read? Don't bother, try the lounge bar down the road.

Edit: So the owner has responded I thought I would clarify some of his points:

Bullying a 17 year old: We had three interaction with a young employee. She did not take our order.

The first interaction with her asking if we'd like another drink at about 25 minutes, to which we politely said no.

The second interaction was about 50 minutes when we asked her when the food was coming out, to which she said she thought it was being prepared now, and she could go check for us.

The third was when she bought the food over andi tasted mine. We then opted to send everything back and asked for the bill...

Very lovely refurb so decided to book a table for lunch. Booked a table for four. Arrived, shown to our table and handed menus. I knew what I wanted as I had chosen that morning by browsing the internet. It was disappointing to find that it was a different menu and my meal choice was no longer available. We were ready to order and sat there a further 15 minutes waiting for someone to come over (it wasn't at all busy!) We got fed up and went to the bar to order as did another gentleman at the same time (normally, if you are handed menus then it is table service!) I asked if the fish was filleted or on the bone? The waitress said definitely filleted because she had seen it when it had been delivered that day. We ordered 2 x fish and 2 x gammon. 10 minutes later the waitress came over and told us they only had 1 fish left. I don't eat meat and didn't fancy the other fish dish (fish and chips) and the only other dish that appealed to me was a basic salad so I ordered that instead. The waitress said she would just go and get the £4 refund (being the difference in meal price). I saw her doing a bit of washing up behind the bar (a gentleman was waiting to be served at the bar for a while but he went unnoticed) so thought she had forgotten the refund. However, she returned to us 15 minutes later with the refund. We waited a further 20 minutes for the meals. The salad was not nice at all. It was just too much vinegar which competed with the extremely strong red onion. The fish was overcooked and the potatoes were too salty and tasted as though reheated. The gammon wasn't very special either apparently. Very expensive for the quality and service. We noticed someone taking an order on a table of 4 just before we left, so we could only assume we were overlooked or ignored. What a shame. Won't...

SHAMBLES! The room was dirty & unkept, the picture showing the sink hides the toilet behind the door…a challenge to access to say the very least! Then to find half the flooring missing under the rug & the main light hanging from the ceiling along with all the other damage & dirt, not acceptable! To top it off, the fire alarm went off early hours of the morning, as per the fire notice on the door we went out to the car park but no staff followed - THERE WAS NOBODY ON SITE!!! We rang the contact number found online and were told someone would be there in around 30 mins, meanwhile we were all stood in the rain, but grateful there wasn't a fire as we had no knowledge if anyone else was left in the building (Also after 30 minutes, there wouldn't have been much of the pub or our belongings left). A man arrived and went in to turn off the alarm, once done he put his thumb up in the direction of where all the guests were standing across the carpark & announced “It’s fine, there is no fire”. This really did irritate not just myself but the other guests too, he didn't even have the courtesy to approach us and offer an apology. I found out the next morning when requesting to speak to a manager that this was the same man that attended during the night - with that being managements behaviour, i knew i had no hope! I emailed the early part of this week and have no reply so the ignorance has continued. AVOID AT...