I don’t know what kind of cosmic forces aligned over this McDonald’s today, but I’m pretty sure I glimpsed the divine through a haze of fryer oil and pure, molten nugget ecstasy.
Let me paint you a greasy, glorious picture.
I roll up to the drive-thru at exactly 2:47 AM, the witching hour of nugget enlightenment. I don’t whisper. I don’t politely ask. I declare:
“Hi, yes, I’d like five orders of 10-piece Chicken McNuggets. That’s 50 nuggets. Fifty. Like the number of states. Like the number of times I’ve questioned my life choices until now. Sauce? ALL of them. Drown me in sauces. I want to feel like I’m licking the inside of a flavor rainbow.”
And do you know what this sacred institution of cholesterol and chaos said?
“Pull forward.”
No judgment. No hesitation. Just respect.
Two minutes later, a teenager with the thousand-yard stare of someone who’s seen too much handed me a bag the size of a newborn baby, heavy with promise. It radiated warmth. It hummed with possibility. The receipt just said “50PC NUG MADNESS” in all caps. It wasn’t on the menu. It wasn’t even legal. It was destiny.
I parked. I feasted. I transcended.
Nugget 1: Crispy, golden, a warm-up stretch for the tongue. Nugget 7: A spiritual awakening. I began to sweat truth. Nugget 18: I wept. A single tear rolled down my cheek and fell directly into a BBQ packet. I still used it. Nugget 29: Saw my past lives. One of them was a chicken. Nugget 43: My hands were no longer hands. They were sauce shovels. Nugget 50: The universe folded in on itself. I met Ronald McDonald in a dreamscape. He called me “champ.”
I have eaten at Michelin-starred restaurants. I have sampled rare wines and imported cheeses. NOTHING compares to 50 McNuggets eaten alone in a Honda Civic as God intended.
To the staff of this McDonald’s: You are heroes. You are alchemists of the fryer. You didn’t just feed me. You forged me in breading and brine.
5 stars. Would nugget again.
P.S.: I haven’t slept in 36 hours and I’m typing this from a parking lot while listening to...
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