Hunter Valley Gardens — Attraction in Pokolbin

If you’ve ever dreamed of wandering through a post-apocalyptic landscape without the inconvenience of an actual apocalypse, Hunter Valley Gardens offers an immersive experience that might just fulfill your wildest dystopian fantasies. This ‘garden’ – and I use the term as loosely as the ancient Christmas figures use their limbs – is a masterclass in disaster tourism, offering the rare opportunity to pay top dollar for the privilege of disappointment.

Imagine, if you will, a place where Christmas goes to die. The Hunter Valley Gardens, with its eclectic collection of decrepit, dirt-smudged festive figures sprawled across the landscape like the aftermath of a toy factory explosion, offers just that. These figures, frozen in their last moments of despair, provide a hauntingly hilarious backdrop to your stroll – if you can call dodging relics from yesteryear’s holiday specials ‘strolling’.

But the fun doesn’t stop there. The park serenades you with a soundtrack that could only be described as the auditory equivalent of a migraine. The relentless, annoying music ensures that not a single moment of peace can be found within its borders, effectively turning relaxation into a mythical concept, much like the supposed ‘beauty’ of the gardens themselves.

As for the water features, they’re less ‘Monet’s lily ponds’ and more ‘swamp from a horror movie’. The ponds, infused with the eau de landfill, add a certain je ne sais quoi to the air, making each breath a thrilling game of olfactory Russian roulette. The under-construction zones scattered carelessly throughout, alongside the barren wastelands that were once flower beds, suggest a garden caught in an identity crisis between being a construction site and a desolate wasteland.

The pièce de résistance, however, is the story lane – a testament to the terrifying aesthetics of early 2000s garden art. The figures here, intended to enchant, instead offer a glimpse into a nightmare realm where aesthetics go to die. Children and adults alike can enjoy the thrill of mild horror, wondering if these monstrosities are the reason why we never got a sequel to some of those beloved childhood stories.

In conclusion, Hunter Valley Gardens offers a unique blend of comedy, horror, and existential dread, wrapped up in an overpriced ticket. It’s a place where you can ponder the mysteries of the universe, like how something so terrible can exist, or why you thought visiting was a good idea. If you enjoy spending money to feel like you’ve stepped onto the set of a budget dystopian film, then look no further. For those in search of beauty, tranquility, or anything remotely garden-like, you might find more satisfaction in a local landfill – at least it’s free.

Remember, Hunter Valley Gardens: where your dreams of a relaxing garden stroll go to wither and die, much like its plants. A visit here is truly unforgettable, mainly because you’ll spend a significant amount of time wondering how to get those hours of...

I don't normally do reviews but I felt compelled to do so on this occasion due to how disappointed I was with the Hunter Valley Gardens Christmas lights display. We have been wanting to visit the Christmas light display for years due to everything that has been and is still shown on TV and online. Due to how expensive it is we had never been in the past but this year even though the tickets are very expensive we decided to go. Wow it was so disappointing. First of all the Christmas lights display didn't live up to all the media hype. If the ticket price was $10 instead of $40 it would have been just ok but honestly we seen better Christmas light displays in people's front yards on our way home. If you are elderly with mobility issues or someone who needs a wheelchair don't go. They advertise that it's wheelchair friendly but it's not. The walking tracks aren't concrete they are mostly dirt and gravel and uneven. There are swarms of mosquitoes there which is particularly relevant seeing NSW Health has just issued a warning about mosquitoes carrying dangerous diseases this summer. The main cafe was closed and there were only food stalls which all had long line ups of people. We lined up to buy some food and eventually gave up due to how slow the line was moving. If you wanted to look at other parts of the gardens you can't as it was all blocked off which was really disappointing. Lastly there was a really long queue at the front entrance going in and long delays in the car park when leaving. It took one and a half hours to get out of the car park which was absolutely ridiculous. It's very obvious that Hunter Valley Gardens prioritize profits and not their paying customers. They are making lots of money which is obvious with the large number of people attending and the very high ticket price but look like they don't invest much of their profits back into the business to make it better and more comfortable for their...

I volunteered to show someone ‘the vineyards’. So for the first time in many years I returned to this place which I thought at the time was pleasant, healthy, fun. Now it seems to be a mix of sad old shops and vacancies. Perhaps it’s their tired displays of overpriced, chemical-factory candles; artificially coloured sugar-addict candies; rainbow alpaca space fillers; discarded speckled-goods passed off as ‘antiques’; garish red plasticky Christmas decorations that scream ‘clearance sale! All stock from 2004 must GO!!!’ Other shops were empty caverns, waiting for the next poor crafts-enthusiast or desperado to sign the lease. The centre owners, in case the decadence were not obvious from the type of shops and tourists there, entreated us to ‘indulge’, as though it were a good thing. But it’s not all banal rubbish! Every 20 minutes during peak hour, there’s an extraordinary transformation in people that you can see happen right before your eyes!Some tourists who had initially appeared as slightly desperate, indebted boozers, tumbled out of buses, turned from repulsive to attractive in a matter of minutes! How? As they were sucked in to the five or six wine and gin tasting factories, behold! Within those garish dens of inebriation, these people were instantly transformed into cashed-up connoisseurs! They immediately began to prove to their fellow hens and bus that they were now living the high life! They graced whomever would listen, that they, as anointed cognoscenti, knew all about the merits of their particular nectar. I saw them nod wisely as they proclaimed this drink, and the next , and the next, as ‘bold’, ‘heroic’ and ‘courageous’. Most waddled out with lighter wallets and a heavier, more fragile bag. Then the apparition vanished and they resumed their normal selves as they tottered toward the toilets. Highly entertaining but also a...