Kisa — Restaurant in North Island

If you love a pretentious restaurant that caters to people who are allergic to flavour, you will love this place.

Iconic culinary metaphor of the worst of Kiwi culture: deluded, grandiose, flash on the surface but utterly slack and devoid of substance, ambition, skill and sophistication on what matters most, AND YET, somewhat, somehow, magically still operating and holding its position. Welcome to the land of the longstanding white smoke screen.

Labels itself "Middle Eastern Restaurant" but it's below mid, very Western, and classic, really trashy cultural appropriation.

It should be illegal to serve such bland food, esp. at that price.

That bad? Oooh yes darling, have a seat...

Had 4 mezze to share (Muhammara, Mozzarella böreks, Eggplant soslu, Nohutlu garlic pilaf). Everything was about as bland as a fish and chips without sauce or dips, or boiled potato. For context: I have a very sensitive sense of taste and am having a very good sunny day, so nothing personal or distorted here, it was legit THAT disappointing.

If this restaurant's food was an outfit, it would be a Balenciaga 5,000$ outfit that cosplays as homeless. "Ostentasteless". You're better off buying a can of beans from Night and Day, mashing it, and sprinkling cumin and salt on it honestly, at least you will taste something. Reminiscing the sensory delights of the last public hospital food you had will also conduce to a far more joyful state than this restaurant will ever induce.

If this restaurant's food was a diagnosis, it would be anhedonia.

If it was a painting, it would be a white monochrome that went through a loud effort to apply an expensive white paint on a white canvas. And that painting would be aspiring to become a flavourful banana duct-taped on a white wall, one day, hopefully, maybe.

If this restaurant's food was a dancer, it would be Raygun, a national embarrassment robbing a prime spot only to serve utter mediocrity.

This is how revolting the blandness of the food was. Memorably and disturbingly B-L-A-N-D. Not on 1 dish, nor 2, nor 3, but on all 4!

The pita was the highlight, as the only consistent food that you expect to be bland and that is bland. No surprises there. At least it was piping hot, that counts as a sensation...

Just how sad, gloomy and depressed is the person that appropriated Turkish culture and came up with this menu? "Underwhelming" doesn't even begin to qualify the food we had, it was profoundly depressing! Is this run by an amateur compensating for neglected yuck food with perfect location or instagramable mezze? That's not how hospo works...you're going to be out of business!

Is this the headquarters of a secret Calvinist anti-flavour cult of ascetics that abstain from worldly pleasures? Or a new kink where you pay good money to not taste anything?

OK, enough, you get the gist. Underwhelming pretentious food riles me up. Don't go there for flavour! I am very concerned about the mental health of whoever makes the food there. Time to unplug and taste the world, my friend. Try that crazy thing called spices...

Service was OK, the lady that served us was sweet and attentive, crammed window tables leading to zero privacy and having a lot of strangers in my bubble. Very, very over-rated.

Are the good reviews from drunk people? Are the good reviews from people desperate to flex that they can afford eating there to be "in" on the fake buzz? Mystery prevails... The negative reviews are consistent: pretentious and bland.

I strongly doubt the reviews are genuine. I cannot comprehend how people would rate such revoltingly bland food. Maybe the Pakeha boomers this restaurant is popular with like bland food, I don't know. I don't get it. I never will.

This is not for me. I like FLAVOUR, it makes me feel alive. I would much rather eat Indian or Chinese anytime, or just about anything that doesn't taste like cardboard.

Don't waste your time and money there.

PS: Hands-down 5/5 for the hand soap in the toilet. Now THAT was by far the most refined and beautiful sensory...

Went with a group of friends and ordered a wide variety of menu options:

Mozzarella böreks: A good entree, very tasty, quite light. Served with an olive taum and a tomato butter which are both very welcome additions. The only criticism is that you get three in a serving, so bear in mind if ordering this as a shared dish

Spiced wild goat mince lahmacun: Similar to a pizza; meat with toppings served on a fluffy and lightly oiled bread base. The pickled tomato adds a refreshing sweetness (think, pineapple on pizza) to the meal, which is tempered by the toum (garlic sauce). The mince itself doesn't have a strong flavour, although the spices add a nice heat to the meal. Comes in a decently large serving for an entree, good for a group of three to four.

Shawarma spiced lamb shoulder: A very enticing aroma, phenomenonal taste and perfect texture, and served with a salted fresh hot bread with salad and sumac cucumber (similar to pickle/gherkin). The idea is to use the lamb, bread and additions to build your own creation to eat. Considered a must have when ordering

Imam Bayildi -Stuffed eggplant: Even if you are a sworn meat enthusiast, this dish is not to be overlooked. Absolutely bursting with flavours and textures this dish weaves soft and crunchy together effortlessly with fresh, sweet and savoury tastes.

Pistachio ice cream: Light with a subtle creaminess, crispy pastry and crunchy nuts combined for a satisfying mouth feel and initial flavour. Has an interesting aftertaste that leaves a slightly rubbery mouthfeel.

Lemon tart: This goes hard, no explanation needed, you will regret not ordering it.

Chocolate labneh cheesecake: Overwhelmingly rich, the olive oil is an interesting addition, not really adding much to the flavour profile. Not a bad dessert, but definitely not the best Kisa has to offer

Malabi -Rosewater custard: Very light velvety texture, not a particularly strong flavour profile unless you get some of the pomegranate on the spoonful, the saffron pasgmak is quite nice although is more of an aesthetic addition. Not very exciting in the flavour department but pleasant nonetheless

Overall, a great dining experience; the restaurant has a nice ambiance and some very strong menu offerings. Definitely recommended for an outing with...

FAVOURITE RESTO IN WELLY. before visiting kisa, i’d never actually tried middle eastern food only those drunk kebabs in the middle of courtenay place (iykyk, if that even counts). this was my first time trying real authentic middle eastern dishes and omg… every single one was delish. i had no clue what to order, so just picked a few different things off the menu and everything was worth trying. i usually don’t eat lamb bc i don’t like the flavour, but they totally changed my mind the lamb skewers were insanely good, so flavourful and full of umami.

⭐️HERE IS THE RECOMMENDATION ⭐️ TARAMASALATA (the lime oil was so flavourful) 9.7/10

HUMMUS (loved the crispy chickpeas) 9.4/10

MUHAMMARA (creamy with a nice walnut taste) 9.3/10

SPICED WILD GOAT MINCE LAHMACUN FLATBREAD (wasn’t sure what to expect but wow probably the best dish i’ve had this year. never liked lamb mince before but the combo with the flatbread was amazing please order this) 9.8/10

FRIED BRUSSEL SPROUTS (omg the woodfired flavour!! i used to hate brussel sprouts but hell yeah so flavourful, a must order) 9.7/10

NOHUTLU GARLIC PILAF (never say no to pilaf loved this as a side with lamb skewers, perfect duo) 8.5/10

CHARCOAL LEEKS (yum with the almond dip) 9.1/10

MOZZARELLA BÖREKS (like mozzarella sticks with a crispy thin layer great starter) 8.2/10

SMACKED CUCUMBER (garlic yoghurt cucumber, not too special but good as a side) 8.0/10

LAMB PIRZOLA (tried 3 different skewers on the menu and this was the best the meat just melts on your tongue, so soft, perfectly grilled medium-rare. love you chef) 10/10

FLANK STEAK ŞIŞ KEBAB (a bit firm but still tender enough, and the smoked butter with two sauces made it so good) 9.4/10

LAMB URFA KEBAB (classic lamb kebab flavour, really good meat just didn’t love the whole tomato on yoghurt part. still flavourful overall) 9.1/10

TA'AMEYA...