The Two Brewers — Restaurant in Chelmsford

Avoid at all costs - Do not hire this venue

Went to a function at The Two Brewers for a friends daughters 40th, oh dear what a racket!

We arrived and there was a band playing really loud in the courtyard and the DJ was playing in the function room and it was like being at an airport with loud noise and you couldn’t hear either the band or the DJ or each other talking. After a while the DJ had give up and to turn off his music as the band was so loud. Manager wasn’t available to speak to and obviously no deputy manager on site.

The bar was unattended until nearly 8pm despite numerous requests so we had to fight through the crowds around the band just to get a drink. The swingball was a great idea in the courtyard until you couldn’t walk through the crowds and had to walk through the play area nearly being hit by the ball in the face

They set up a BBQ in the middle of the courtyard (where all the general public and band was) which was quite a distance from the hired venue so the general public got into the queue and we had to be asked to leave as there was only the right amount of food for the private function guests.

The DJ attempted to play music during the band’s break but was asked to switch the music off when the band came back on so our friends wasted money on a DJ which was booked nearly a year ago because the inconsiderate venue thought it was ok to put a band within 10 ft of a DJ. Why did they book this when they had allowed the function to book a DJ so we could all dance. They knew why the DJ had been booked a year ago as it was the same one from the birthday girl’s wedding.

Our friends were only told in passing in a very vague manner that there would also be a band somewhere on site literally a few days before the event so there wasn’t time to cancel DJ without loss of payment. Why would they book a band when they hired the private venue when they knew there was a DJ?

The band didn’t finish at 10pm so the DJ only got to play 1 hour before the venue closed the bar and asked promptly at 11.30pm for the music to be switched off and the venue cleared so that was the end of the dancing and party even though they had booked it until 12pm. That was a short party - 1 hour

If that was my function I would have pulled the plug on the band...

Is the proving ground for the phrase 'couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery'. Gormless customer service despite being a third full.

Took fifteen minutes to get served. Moving under an umbrella due to rain seemed to break the brain of the poor sap running the table seating. That inflexibility transferred to the waiting staff who spent a good few minutes flummoxed by our relocation, despite us telling them we were moving tables. Maybe we should have drawn a map.

Also had a pint spilled by a gust of wind that knocked over an apparently 'fixed' umbrella but the manager at first refused to replace the pint, citing that it's not the responsibility of the pub what happens beyond the bar. If that is true then might pop round and nick a few benches and tables for our garden because apparently anything beyond the bar is outside of their jurisdiction and there's nothing they can do about it.

Pizzas were...

This pub has never been bad but has always been a bit, er um well 'in need of a bit of money spent' i wouldn't say dilapidated but.... Despite this the landlords and patrons were always good. Now that money has been spent on it an odd thing has happened, despite the interior never being better the clientele are a little should we say uncouth, a strong smell of cannabis seemed to waft around the drinking area. The toilets are always free from toilet paper but not from dirt. Pints are expensive and on the increase, definitely in the top 10% in Chelmsford. This pub has been redeveloped in the hope of attracting eaters but with the above factors it seems free of eaters too, who wants to eat in peace when loud sweary labourers arnt asked to tone it down by the staff, don't get me wrong if you are a spit n sawdust place that's fine but if you are food based then... A drinking place only, if you...