Paladin Pie — Restaurant in Portland

[A Heroes' Feast, a tale of fulfillment]

And so, the spell was successfully cast.

The scroll of Find The Path (google maps) disappears from my grasp as it led us directly to where our quarry lies.

As I look up in the sky, gray clouds are blocking the sun's light, their shadows tracing our ingress' steps.

I focus the energy of my body and cast Pass Without Trace on ourselves as we carefully approach the tavern caravan.

The court looks empty.

I hear ravens in the distance. How can these thieves have noticed us already? If only I could Speak With Animals, maybe they could teach me something.

The nearby caravans are closed. Wood planks are nailed to their windows. Momentarily, I feel the foe we seek is gone. Have we failed to find fulfillment?

As we move closer however, kitchen sounds coming off the caravan start overlapping with the ambience of nature and all doubts begin to evaporate as the legendary Paladin Pie banner is lit by a magical red and green light, waving gloriously like the sycamore's leaves in the north wind. In the background, I smell charcoal -- I feel victory is near.

"Yes! It's open!", the bard shouts grinning at me as he steps off the ethereal shadow and gingerly walks onto the gravel, his drum set clanging like a night hag's cooking pans.

"Well, now they must surely know we're coming", I think to myself. "We've lost the element of surprise."

As we step into the dimly lit court, we are greeted by a lovely human lady. She wears a Mask of Protection from Evil and keeps her Magical Spectacles (advantage to Perception rolls) on the top of her head. On her hands, I notice markings of divine protection.

"Well, hello there!", she says as she puts her black apron on. "What can I get you?"

I haven't spoken the Common language for a while. These people probably don't know Sylvan. Besides, we have no word for pizza in Sylvan. Not yet at least!

Thankfully, the bard knows Common very well. He places an order for "the Druid, the Warlock, Marinara and Chaotic Good".

I sit on the wooden table, waiting to see what the caravan will produce. I hear the sound of a roaring fire from the inside of the caravan. I think these humans are very hard workers. I imagine how it must feel to work so close to fire and I feel grateful for the service we're about to receive.

The bard orders a fizzy drink from me. He says it tastes like the leaves from the Old Lung in the Enchanted Lands. I think it just tastes like sugar. The bard pulls off his magic trinket and pays the lady with "dollars", the local magical currency. I don't have any dollars, but the bard tells me that it's alright, because "all money is just a fantasy that people feel is real". His words, not mine.

A few moments later, "Jim!", the sweet lady screams out loud. "Jim" is the bard's stage name. He runs to the caravan and comes back with pizza.

The smell is mesmerizing. I feel my heart pulsing faster that usual. What is this new feeling?

I put the slice in my mouth and let the pizza put its spell on me.

The pizza is so soft inside but crunchy outside.

The mushroom taste overwhelms me and I am reminded of my teacher saying: mushrooms carry holiness.

With each bite, I feel more and more anew.

I leave the last bite for the bard. His face is flaring with delight. I now understand what he meant. I rise up from the table, I whisper a prayer to Nyx to protect this place, I wave goodbye to the humans in the caravan and step out of the court.

I now am ready to face another great gastronomical foe in the wonderful city...

Paladin Pie is hands-down my favorite pizza place in Portland, at least for thin crust! (shoutout to Wild Child for an amazing Detroit-style)🤤 Paladin Pie is truly fantastic, and definitely recommend this place to everyone for great pizza and go out of my way to get this when my family is in town-- easily a crowd pleaser! And the crust... OMG. Delicious, crispy, sourdoughy crust. All their creative pizza flavors are spot on. The Druid, Red Dragon, The Cleric... all AMAZING. But I hold a special place in my heart for the Jazz Cabbage AKA kimchi bacon with sharp cheddar (which I hope they'll bring back soon!). Good god, it's good. We love it so much that we tried to recreate it ourselves at home. We purchased their dough for just $2, and the owner was so kind and gave us all the pro-tips on how to they make their kimchi bacon pizza and the best methods cooking it at home!! Super nice and cleary passionate about amazing pizza (same😊). Also, they kill it with Portland Pizza Week every year (their 2k22 birria pizza had me in a state of pure bliss and reevaluate everything I thought I knew about pizza). The unnecessary length of this review alone speaks to my fiery passion I have for Paladin Pie, so do yourself a favor...

Ode to Paladin Pie’s Kimchi Bacon Pizza

O Paladin Pie, my heart’s delight, A siren slice that haunts my night. With kimchi kissed and bacon bold, A tale of flavor, fierce and told. Your crust, a golden, sacred scroll, That cradles dreams and fills my soul. Sharp cheddar sings its tangy tune, Like stars that burn beneath the moon. Fermented fire, that kimchi flame— You dance through spice, you stake your claim. And bacon, crisp as whispered sin, Draws every longing deep within. I dream of you in silent hours, While mundane meals taste stale and sour. You are the myth I chase and crave, The holy pie I ache to save. I’d cross the lands, I’d brave the line, To make your bubbling warmth be mine. Each bite—a kiss, a sacred rite, That sets my hungry soul alight. So hear my plea, O pie divine, Let me behold your molten shine. For in your arms—so hot, so sweet— My longing finds its final seat. (chatgpt)

Simply the best Pizza in NoPo! Can't go wrong with any pie on their menu. And, their pizza reheated the next day is still (if not more!?) epic!

My only complaint would be that they took my favorite pie off the menu...

I beseech thee, hear...