Shelanous — Restaurant in Melbourne

If I could give this zero stars I would. Our group of 4 left half way through the experience due to inedible food and a feeling that we had been taken for a complete ride. The experience was highly misrepresented. I emailed the head chef owner the following day asking for a refund or partial refund. He gave me egotistical rant responses with a bunch of excuses for the product and refused.

At the beginning of the night Rony introduced himself as having worked for 4 months at Vue De Monde. He also states his love of Vivaldis music. He then proceeded to begin the experience with the theme song from the Netflix series Chefs Table, enticing the customer to associate his restaurant with that famous show which showcases some of the top 50 restaurants on earth. Nothing could be further from reality. If Shannon Bennett knew that this ‘chef’ was name dropping Vue de Monde as his training ground while delivering this then he would be horrified.

The first half of the experience is 5 degustation courses with matched fruity cocktails and one Californian wine of low quality.

The dishes were downright disgusting. The chef admitted via email that his tortellini pasta was not handmade but a packaged product, so he can spend more time with his family. The pasta combined truffle essence oil and sun dried tomato, which is a combination that does not work. The pasta was gluey and horrible as you would expect from a prepackaged product bought from Coles. If you aren’t dedicated to this craft then don’t get involved. At 265$pp people expect you to make an effort and put time and love into your product. Not present them with some pre made garbage that you dressed up to look like your own.

Other dishes included a raw kingfish slice smothered in some sort of umami bomb, completely ruining the delicate fish. This one slice of fish was the only quality ingredient out of the whole 5 courses. Everything else consisted of the cheapest possible food ingredients. I was even treated to an entire rock of salt left in one dish, filling my mouth with the flavour of delicious….salt. The crumb on the gazpacho had the texture of….rocks. What a rocky horror show!! One other dish of note was a jacket potato, emptied and dried to a crisp before being refilled with mash, yellow fin tuna and some sort of chilli jam. Totally gross. Served on top of a bed of raw kale which we were told we could eat as a ‘salad’ if we chose to. Are you serious? That is just so lazy. Don’t put stuff on the plate that you don’t actually think people will eat.

The cocktails were wildly conflicting with the muddled flavours of the other dishes. At half time intermission we were offered shots of sambuca so we could get drunk and enjoy each other’s company. Seriously? At a 265$pp experience? Is this a college party or a serious restaurant?

We excused ourselves so as not to interrupt the party and politely left. We felt this approach best so as not to distract from the service flow for the ‘chef’ and his team. Attempting to explain our displeasure while he was commanding the attention of the 22 total guests would have been impossible. I did offer to discuss our issues via phone call or in person in my initial email the next day. He initially accepted to phone me, before reverting to an email defence where he did nothing to accept any fault with the food and made a bunch of excuses and referred me to his glowing 5 star reviews on line. I don’t know of any other restaurants in Melbourne that have exclusively 5 star reviews. Dubious at best, calculated and deceptive at worst.

The only redeeming factor was the jovial nature of the staff, however their constant interruption and commanding of attention prevents any actual conversation between guests from taking place.

There are countless amazing food destinations in Melbourne at this price point. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! We felt totally robbed and disrespected by the inedible garbage made from mostly basic ingredients, or in some cases pre purchased and presented as the chef’s own...

A Culinary Disaster and an Aquatic Inconvenience

My evening began with such high hopes. Shelanous—a name that screams "pretension" and "overpriced small plates," which is exactly what I was aiming for. After navigating three separate velvet ropes and being forced to accept an amuse-bouche that looked suspiciously like a single blade of grass glued to a pebble, I was seated at a prime, oceanside table. This is where the tragedy began.

First, the service. The waiter, whose name sounded like a brand of imported olive oil, took twenty minutes to explain the wine list, then acted personally offended when I ordered the house white. Honestly, the condescension was thicker than the clam chowder (which, by the way, arrived lukewarm and boasted three entire clam strips, a culinary display I can only describe as profoundly stingy).

Then came the main course: the pan-seared scallops. Or, as the menu described them, the "Deconstructed Oceanic Jewels with Micro-Cilantro Dust." There were precisely two scallops. Two. For seventy-five dollars. They were resting artfully on a smear of what tasted like sadness mixed with saffron. I stared at the plate, wondering how a restaurant with such exquisite lighting could justify such an insult to both my palate and my wallet. I raised my hand, fully prepared to send the dish back and deliver a comprehensive critique of portion sizing in post-modern gastronomy.

It was at that exact moment—just as I was formulating the perfect, cutting remark about the chef's misguided minimalism—that the ambiance took an unexpected turn. Now, I should mention that this restaurant has a somewhat open-air concept. The table was practically in the surf. And as I opened my mouth to speak, a vast, grey, and frankly, very rude shadow shot up from the depths and, without so much as a ‘pardon me,’ decided that my lower extremities were an appropriate mid-course snack.

Yes, a great white shark.

It was all rather messy, and frankly, it disrupted my train of thought. One minute you're grappling with the disappointment of a poorly reduced jus, and the next you are abruptly learning what it feels like to be aggressively severed by the jaws of a cartilaginous predator. The initial pain was distracting, but what truly offended me was the utter lack of professionalism. This establishment charges $40 for sparkling water and they can't even manage basic predator control? It’s simply unacceptable.

currently floating here, feeling rather buoyant and quite chilly, but my mind is clear. I’m bleeding profusely, the tiny, pitiful scallops are washing away untouched, and my life is, quite obviously, forfeit. But before the currents take me and this entire ridiculous ordeal becomes a cautionary tale for future diners, I need to make one thing absolutely clear:

Shelanous, due to its appalling wine service, its laughably small portions, and the management’s shocking inability to keep apex predators from consuming their clientele mid-meal, unequivocally deserves one star. And if I survive this, I’m calling the health inspector first, then...

Some experiences in life need to simply be lived, for words and pictures can never truly tell the story.

Shelanous is one of those experiences.

That said, Shalnous is the ultimate combination of fine food coupled with theatre, presentation, comedy and connection between people with genuine vision and passion for what they do.

Rony and his team are like a big family working together, genuinely wanting each other to succeed but also stirring each other along the way to balance it out, and it’s this warmth and family connection that transcends to the long table, firstly by making you feel part of their family, but then also bringing strangers together over food to connect and communicate extending that family feel.

And that’s the secret, food and family.

A combination that has been so important to connection for centuries, of which Rony and the team have added their own unique twist too that creates a dining experience like no other.

Rony, thank you to you and your team for an evening we will never forget and after enjoying some post dinner wines with you and Gab after the other guests left, we also wish you every success with what the future holds and look forward to watching the growth and new ideas come to life.

Well watching from the Gold Coast at least until we can get back down, as we will most certainly be back.

Best Regards, Matt and Nicole (Gold Coast)

P.S. No pics in review as do not want to ruin the...