Mau Feitio — Restaurant in Funchal

3 people walk in to a bar and the barman says, "where would you like to sit?" "Here" says one of the men pointing to a round table. "No that's a table for 5," the barman replies, "you can sit here, here or here," pointing to three rectangular tables. "But they're also tables for 5......." says the man. "SHRUG" goes the barman. And the 3 people sit near the toilet.

9:30 on a Saturday night is probably not going to bring out the best in any serving staff but we were surprised at this welcome.

After being seated and menus provided, we were "challenged" by our waitress as to whether we were ready to order.

I countered with whether we could order drinks first and she batted back a list of soft drinks or Sangria.

I persisted for the wine list only to be interrogated.

COLOUR? Red. BOTTLE OR GLASS? Glass. OK!

Still no wine list.....

Shortly after, a Sangria, big bottle of still water and a mystery glass of red arrived.

"Err, which wine is this?" I meakly enquired. "Sorry, I forgot to tell you it's the only wine we do by the glass," the waitress said over her shoulder as she strutted off.

Undeterred I asked for the wine list and returned the house red, (minus the initial sip.)

Things went downhill from here.

My choice of "Douro Grainha 2020 Reserva" was very nice but some spillage and the foil cap were left on the table by our waitress, (though I was assured that I could "fill your own glass now.")

Apparently all that effort of conviviality was too much for her, as after a brief staff meeting, we were passed on.

Our new waitress, more abrupt than the first also left plenty of food on the table top and reminded me of my time on H wing at Wentworth.

At least we were spared the usual "How's your meal" and "can I get you anything else."

The food wasn't special, (though good for the price) and the portions were very generous. It would be helpful to point out, on the menu or in conversation, that the mains come without any accompaniments and that the side portions are big enough for two.

We wasted a lot of food.

I normally write these things next day after talking with my wife or fellow diners, incase I missed something or was overly exuberant but I started penning this as I dined.

As the first waitress cleared away our dishes she caught sight of my phone, (to be fair, I wasn't discreet) and sped off, calling over her colleagues.

She tried to put it right, poor soul but I'd wasted as much of my life as I was prepared to.

We left at a fast walk so as not to be there when the saw the lack of tip and headed to the ice cream kiosk across the park for a...

Our two steaks with mustard sauce and pepper sauce were both tough and took a lot of chewing. The fries were okay but quite well seasoned. I was told my mixed salad would include lettuce, cucumber, tomato and fried onions, but the cucumber was actually replaced by slices of Granny Smith apple and the onions were tiny dark specks of something I couldn’t identify. When I asked about the lack of cucumber, the waitress replied that the chef said sorry but there is no cucumber. When I said I wasn’t happy to pay for the salad, the chef or owner( I’m not sure who he was) later appeared carrying a dish with a whole cucumber cut length wise into 6 inch pieces and announced that the cucumber had just arrived! I wasn’t quite sure how to respond and said it was obviously far too much and too late. Whatever his motives were, I didn’t appreciate the joke or sarcasm as I felt he was trying to ridicule us for complaining about the salad. This is not the way to treat customers, especially as we didn’t receive the food we had ordered. We felt sorry for the waitress, who was doing her best to deal with the situation. We paid the full bill of €71, which included a beer and a tonic water, but didn’t leave a tip, which we would normally do. We have never experienced such poor customer service anywhere in Madeira.

The owner has since replied with HIS version of events, which are not truthful regarding the cucumber. I took one mouthful to be polite and returned the rest, as the waitress would be able to verify. Trying to put the blame onto the client says a lot about this respondent. Mau Feitio is...

We have been here multiple times with our family and it was very nice, the service was nice. But the last time it was horrible. We asked for desserts and cocktails. The first waitress told that it’s ok. The second come and told that they don’t serve cocktails and left. We thought that we will take wine instead but she left before we ordered it. At that time we were on a call with our friends and were a bit distracted. Then the manager came out already mad for no reason and told that they serve only dinner and we cannot order only dessert that are on the menu and basically told us to leave. It’s just super inappropriate and impolite. We visited this place before several times, invited our family to it and recommended it to our friends. Now I can only give one star for such rudeness. It’s outstanding in a bad sense.

UPDATE: The fact that the restaurant has no apologies is quite strange and shows unprofessionalism.

We wanted to "occupy" the table because it was cosy. From the very beginning, we told that we want to order desserts and drinks. We were not notified that it was booked for full meals. If staff told that we need to order some food, we would do that. But they didn't. Instead the head waiter was super rude (it was the first time we heard about reserved for meals) and, of course after such behavior, we would not stay at the place for food.

And about busy hour, it’s not true either. It was already 9:30 PM, half of the tables were free, and in one hour when we were coming back 90% of tables were free, including the one that...