Gotan Hoboken — Restaurant in Hoboken

The WiFi is Held Together by Hope and Duct Tape—but the Croissants Will Change Your Life

Let me begin by saying this: I would sell a kidney for the smoked salmon bagel at Gotan Hoboken. Not my own kidney, obviously. But a kidney. Any kidney. It’s that good. The coffee? It’s brewed by what I can only assume are monks from a remote Himalayan sect trained in ancient espresso arts. The cappuccino hit me with such heavenly balance I nearly cried into the foam. But alas, like all great love stories, this one too is tainted—by betrayal. And that betrayal’s name is WiFi.

The WiFi here has one bar of signal strength and zero bars of ambition. Logging in is an act of faith. You click their network, and then you wait… and wait… and then a portal pops up asking for a password. You enter it. The portal vanishes like a fart in the wind, and nothing happens. You’re not online, you’re not offline—you’ve entered the digital limbo. I spent 15 minutes trying to send a Slack message. It finally went through when I left the café, got in my car, and drove three blocks away—at which point I received every email from the past 90 minutes at once, including three “Are you alive?” texts from my boss.

In my second week of patronage, I attempted to upload a file. It was only 6 megabytes. This act of reckless optimism cost me an entire latte, half a sandwich, and my will to live. The upload bar never moved. I grew a beard. The girl at the next table finished writing her entire screenplay. At one point, a man behind me tried to FaceTime someone using the café’s WiFi. I don’t know who he was, but I respect his courage. His call connected for 0.3 seconds, emitted a sound like R2-D2 having a stroke, and then crashed so hard it froze his actual face for ten seconds. He left with haunted eyes.

But let’s not pretend this is some glorified Panera. No, this café has the ambiance of a Wes Anderson fever dream. There are vintage teapots hanging from the ceiling. The barista wears suspenders and talks about mouthfeel unironically. There’s a painting of a cat that watches you wherever you sit. The avocado toast here deserves a TED Talk. It’s topped with microgreens, locally sourced despair, and a fried egg that’s somehow both runny and firm, like the barista’s political beliefs.

And the pastries. Sweet caffeinated Christ, the pastries. The croissants are so flaky you’d swear they ghosted you on Hinge. The muffins are moist in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable describing them in public. And the cinnamon roll? I had a bite, blacked out, and woke up in 1997. My friend had to slap me out of a nostalgia coma. Turns out it tasted just like the one my grandma used to make before she ran off with her Zumba instructor.

Look, if you’re coming here to work remotely, you’re better off chiseling your presentation into stone tablets. But if you’re coming here to feel something, to eat like royalty and drink like you’ve discovered a third espresso-based religion, then this place is for you. Just don’t ask the staff about the WiFi. I made that mistake once and the barista slowly whispered, “It’s not for you.” Then handed me a cortado and walked away like a barista Batman.

So yeah, I give this place five stars for food, coffee, vibes, and emotional damage—and a single, pixelated ghost of a star for their WiFi, which I believe is powered by a single hamster running in a wheel behind the pastry case. Godspeed, little buddy. You’re...

Great spot if you dont need wifi. Really disappointed with the Wifi. Cant come back until that is fixed.

Replying back:

Wow—didn’t expect such a rude and hostile reply to a simple piece of feedback. I didn’t insult the coffee, the food, or the staff. I just mentioned that the WiFi wasn’t usable, which is a reasonable thing to note—especially for a café where people often work or study.

Instead of acknowledging the issue or considering a solution, the manager chose to mock me for having “the nerve” to comment on free WiFi (which doesn't work). I wasn’t demanding lightning-fast speeds—I just needed a reliable connection, which is a basic expectation in most modern coffee shops.

If WiFi is such a sore subject, maybe it’s time to invest in a better setup rather than lashing out at customers who point out a problem. This response says a lot more about the management than my original 3-star review ever could.

Replying back:

Rami, The irony is that my original review wasn’t even that negative, I gave 3 stars and simply noted that the WiFi didn’t work well (or at all) but now im going to make it 5 stars because your food is great and your professional staff should not suffer from this issue. Your WiFi DOESNT WORK!!, Truth hurts man, that is fair and relevant feedback for a cafe where many people bring laptops to work.

Instead of taking it constructively, You chose to respond with sarcasm, name-calling, and personal attacks, twice. I never criticized the coffee, the food, or the staff. I simply shared that the poor WiFi made it hard to return. Your unprofessional and defensive reactions say far more about the business than my calm review ever did.

Running a business is hard, I get it and respect that. But professionalism means being able to take feedback without attacking your customers online. I actually was open to coming back if the WiFi improved. After seeing how you respond to even the mildest criticism? That’s no longer even a thought.

I encourage anyone considering Gotan to read both sides of...

been a few times and it’s not my favorite. their blat sandwich is expensive and usually contains only about a tablespoon of avocado, barely enough to taste, and is 50% lettuce. from another cafe in town i can get a similar sandwich for 5 dollars cheaper with more avocado and a more balanced amount of lettuce. plus, the people who manage the place are kind of rude. me and a friend were working on our laptops and we got kicked out because we weren’t actively waiting for an order. it was NOT that busy, and we had both ordered plates of food plus drinks. this is not a factor in my review, but i do think the really inflamed reaction to a normal review in which the wifi (which is one of the amenities provided and therefore is allowed to be talked about in a review) was criticised tells you a lot about gotan’s values. there are many kinder, cheaper and better quality cafes in hoboken that i highly recommend over gotan

also, adding this later after i’ve thought about it some more, YOU GUYS ADVERTISE YOURSELF AS A COWORKING SPACE! (“the best place to cowork in hoboken”). if i am going to a COWORKING space, paying EIGHTEEN DOLLARS for a sandwich i could make for 4 dollars at home, I AM PAYING FOR THE WIFI. also, if you’re advertising as a coworking space and have free wifi as one of your amenities, i think it’s entirely just you being rude if you don’t like a bad review about your wifi. people can review the wifi of an incredibly expensive coworking space. use the opportunity to improve OR stop advertising as a coworking space, and don’t offer free wifi. in your words, get...