Firehouse Grill Burgers & Fries Take-Out — Restaurant in Port Angeles

Let me preface this screed with the gravity it deserves: I am not writing this review as a mere customer, but as a crusader for gustatory uniformity. What I endured at Firehouse Grill & Burgers was not a meal — it was a culinary affront, an arithmetic catastrophe, and a slap in the face to the sacred principle of proportional consistency.

Picture this: I, an aficionado of the peppered arts, eagerly unwrap my burger, having entrusted this establishment with my lunch, my expectations, and, indeed, my very faith in the burger arts. The first bite? Sublime. The second? Still promising. But then — disaster. Calipers in hand (as any discerning diner ought to wield), I measured a jalapeño slice that defied reason, logic, and basic decency: thirty-seven sixty-fourths of an inch thick. That’s .578 inches, nearly five times the thickness of its more demure, 1/8” (~.125") counterparts.

Is Firehouse attempting to play God with Scoville distribution? Have they no respect for the delicate balance of heat, salt, fat, and acid that defines the burger genre? Must I carry an ANSI-compliant thickness gauge to every restaurant now to defend myself against such jalapeño tyranny?

Let me be clear: this was not an extra slice. This was a green, rubbery landmine. A rogue element. A botanical battering ram that assaulted my palate and obliterated any semblance of flavor balance. It was the architectural equivalent of placing a cinderblock in the middle of a Frank Lloyd Wright blueprint.

What makes this oversight even more egregious is the implication — that no one in this so-called “kitchen” noticed, or worse, that they did and chose to do nothing. Is there no QA department for toppings? No jalapeño integrity analyst? Has Firehouse fallen so far from grace that they simply fling produce onto buns with the reckless abandon of a Jackson Pollock on a deadline?

I demand answers. I demand accountability. I demand — at the very least — a formal apology from the shift lead, a replacement burger sliced by laser-guided culinary artisans, and a signed affidavit promising strict adherence to vegetable thickness standards henceforth.

Until then, I must regrettably — and with all due righteous indignation — give Firehouse Grill & Burgers one star. Not for the flavor, which was fine, but for the betrayal.

Firehouse, you have sullied the name of burgerdom. Repent.

/s (but seriously that was a...

Let me begin with the solemnity this rebuttal to Ash R's review deserves: I am not writing as some garden-variety drive-thru denizen, but as a devoted disciple of culinary thrill — a seeker of the sublime, the daring, and the unapologetically bold. What I experienced at Firehouse Grill & Burgers was not just a meal — it was a revelation. A green, fiery epiphany. A jalapeño-shaped gauntlet hurled at the feet of mediocrity.

When I bit into that Firehouse burger, I did not expect subtlety. I did not come for balance, restraint, or the predictable waltz of "just right." No — I came for glory. And glory I received, in the form of a jalapeño slice so magnificently thick, so daringly verdant, it might have been harvested from the Forbidden Garden of Dionysian Flavor.

This was no mere topping. This was a flavor bomb. A verdant torpedo that cut through the beefy decadence like a mythic blade. Thirty-seven sixty-fourths of an inch, you say? I say: courage incarnate. Where others fear the edge, Firehouse dives headfirst into the abyss and emerges with taste buds blazing and tongues wagging.

To those who lament "balance," I say: let your palate be challenged. Let it dance on the precipice of sensory combustion. Why should we settle for limp, wafer-thin jalapeño discs when we could be assaulted — no, exalted — by bold vegetal audacity?

This is not burger negligence. This is burger artillery.

The very notion that Firehouse should apologize for such fearless flavor is a crime against mouthkind. What next — filing down chocolate chips in cookies for uniformity? Capping the number of pepperoni slices on a pizza lest someone experience joy?

No. I reject that tyranny.

So, to the Firehouse staff: do not bend the knee. Do not temper your jalapeños for the faint of tongue. Double down. Triple down. Stuff them like Matryoshka dolls if you must. Let each burger be a roulette wheel of culinary chaos. For in that madness lies greatness.

Five stars. For bravery. For boldness. And for building burgers not for the timid — but for the titans.

Carry on, you mad geniuses of...

I come here once a week and ive notice that it has changed in quality they only had 2 appetizers available out of everything els. The huckleberry shake that was once the best shake I ever had is now not even blended and chunks when I get it. I love the chicken sandwich they should do more takes on it. This time I got the blue cheese burgers and there was barely any topping on it and the fries were soggy like I said I used to look forward to going here once a week now not so much the wait times are getting longer and longer when there is only a car in front of you.. the quality has gone down and it sucks. Hopefully they fix this issue... the owner replied to this and yes sir I know supply issues could cause the problem but simple u did not even address the pure quality of the food soggy frys the shakes not blended. very few toppings on the burgers on like before the quality was great. With the product u do have the quality should be there. Also u can tell your employees to tell the customer what u are out of before theu try ordering maybe that would help as well.. gueez man I said the past few times not just once and actually did not want cheese curds u were out of a lot of things not just that maybe you should know everything before u say something I Actually like your food but with your attitude with all this.and u thinking that this is the case isn't right I support local businesses. I just said your quality has gone down witch means it could be a lot of things going on not just one time as you think. several times. The attitude that u are having because of this is not the way uto go about it handle it and sounds like you need to hold associates accountable for...