Raiders Reef — Restaurant in Tucson

So as we all know, food prices are still crazy. I’m going full vintage 1920’s depression mode in 2025 to sustain myself and just have enough to cover most bills and have a portion left to gamble on German Ferret Racing. Gambling and degeneracy is my only option out of this economic hellscape! The other day at Safeway, I fought off an old russian babushka for some potatoes that were on sale and after she gave up trying to overpower me, she stepped back and yelled something that I think was an ancient curse and then let out a hearty laugh with no teeth. Whatever, Babushka, i’ll have the last laugh with these homemade airfried french fries with beef tallow I sourced from a dude outside of Circle K.

But sometimes you still need to feel alive and go out to enjoy the restaurant experience. There’s plenty of deals to be had if one is wise and wary. As a new and proud Club Applebees member I just enjoyed a free appetizer- piping hot mozerella sticks I put in my fanny pack and rollerbladed home eating while listening my ska playlist on spotify. I even carried a necklace ramekin full of dipping marinara. So you can say life is pretty good. After ignoring all the catcalling from big booty latinas, I posted up at an east side stoplight to catch my breath and I overheard two middle aged dudes having a discussion at the bus stop. One dude telling the other how much he just enjoyed his lunch break. Something about the best burger deal in town. He was rambling on about how much he owed in backtaxes and how he just spent too much at the restaurant but at least the burger was cheap. I did a 180 airjump and interupted the conversation with autistic aplomb. “Excuse me, guy, what’s the name of this burger joint”. “I wouldn’t call it that, kid, but Raider’s Reef right up the road there…building shaped like a boat.” “What is it like some sort of pirate themed restaurant?” They both laughed. “Yeah, kid”, the other chortled. “Lot’s of booty and golddiggers in there for sure”. I smiled, nodded and set my coordinates for the big ship. It was refreshing that these guys were fans of pirate culture. Never too old to still be a kid at heart is what I say!

I rolled up to the big white boat and wow! What a hidden gem! I took my Chuck Taylor’s out of my backpack and put my rollerblades in a bush and walked in the doors. Lighting was dim as a murky ship even though it was noon. It’s all about the atmosphere. It even had a faint musty and fishy smell like the Pirates ride at Disneyland. There was a big bearded guy in a black shirt at the entrance who asked me for my ID which I thought was weird but I assumed it was like an adult swim thing where there would be actors using adult language or something. He gave it back and I said “yarrrrg matey, me stomach be growlin. Be it open seating at this fine galley, or will a fair maiden be guidin’ me to me berth?” His eyes widened and he said something under his breath and then just pointed toward the bar seating. “Thanks matey, ill gift ya a shiny doubloon on the way out” and as I walked over to the bar I saw how much work they put into this theme but wasn’t expecting the glow in the dark carpeting with swirlies and stars and figured they were probably going for a futuristic pirate ship in space thing. Pretty cool. Then I noticed there were pirate ladies in space bikinis dancing on poles. I was fully expecting some dancing and hootin and hollerin’ on a main ship deck but there was some cool artistic flair here. One of them winked at me and finger gestured at me to approach but I just smiled and did the ‘my tummy is hungwy’ belly rub with a sad face and then she did the splits. Full on cirque du soleil up in this ship. Wow. The bartender also not dressed as a classic pirate but just a space pirate galley mate in full black took my order for the $5 build your own burger! It was delicious! A pirate lady even came up and offered to dance for me! But I told her “yarg, me got the bubble guts, lovely lass!” and then left while flipping the door guy a sacagawea dollar coin. 5 stars, would walk the...

As I entered the club, I immediately noticed it wasn't pirate themed, which disappointed me. I was surprised to find I was carded, which was a nice change, at least showing better security protocol. We take our seats, and are promptly greeted by a waitress who took our order. Many of the dancers were very attractive, only a few weren't so much. I also noticed the dancers were more comfortable and personable, unlike other clubs I had been to. My issue was that a few dancers just sat and looked at their phones, rather than walked around offering dances. The music choice was also impressive: some rock, some rap, some even dubstep, and many of the dancers synchronized accordingly. The shots, finally, were a decent size, I actually felt the bite of the drink and enjoyed it, not watered down to save money. I would recommend this club to anyone who has time to kill...

It escapes me how an owner of a building the shape of a ship, and the name "Raiders Reef" can not have a nautical themed club. Its just sitting there, mocking me with its siren song. Once you get over the lack of themed wenches, the club offers a merry time. Most of the dancers were very attractive, and could easily raise your main sails. The dancers were assertive, but not aggressive, and the shanties had great variety, and not just pop music blasting in my ear. The grub was okay, the bacon was limp, but didn't give me botulism, and the grog was strong. I was a little put off with the clear presence of the captain, just looming, as well as a few dancers spending their time off the deck, texting. This is only club I've been to so far that I would consider coming back to, and if the owner comes to their senses about the theme, would definitely sail back....