Smash Pipi — Restaurant in Waikato

Let me start by saying, I've travelled all around the world. Famous rap singer Pit "Bull" got his nickname, Mr "Worldwide" from me. Let me next say, during all my travels I have never received service that holds a candle to that of SMASH PIPI LIMITED's Whangamata branch. I had barely walked inside before Jaquelina and the rest of the front-of-house staff broke into a traditional Haka to welcome me. I was then escorted to my table by the lovely Hannah, with whom I didn’t even place an order as she’d already predicted the optimal meal from my gait, star sign, and musk. Finally, the chef, Nav, came to my table and cooked the whole meal in front of me, whilst singing my favourite song “What’s Up” with perfect pitch. Once my meal was prepared, the manager, Pan, came and told me his life story from start to finish. As a famous Hollywood director, I offered to buy the movie rights on the spot. To this, he simply replied “There is no one good-looking enough to play me” before roller skating off to another table.

You’re probably wondering about the food. Let me say, as a travelled Hollywood director, I have locked lips with many gorgeous starlets. I thought I had tasted heaven, but I was wrong. Heaven tastes not like the lipstick of Sydney Sweeney or Zoe Kravitz… heaven tastes like Smash Pipi’s ‘Middle East Feast’, handcrafted with love by Nav, the chef. I ate but one bite and knew that I would never again taste its equal. I now subside off a diet of lentils and brown rice as I know that any other food will simply disappoint me.

As I went to leave, I picked up the extra plate (which Hannah knew I wanted) to pass to the Swedish bikini model I was dating. To my surprise, I could see my reflection perfectly in said platee. “My God”, I exclaimed, “This is the most perfectly clean dish I’ve ever seen”. In my hysteria, I went to find the dish boy responsible for this feat. Behind the kitchen, I met Brodie, shirtless as the day he was born (“For aerodynamic reasons” he assured me, with a wink). Brodie, with movement as graceful as a swan’s, proceeded to clean the rest of the dishes to a similar high standard, all the while playing the music for the rest of the establishment. It was clear to me then that he could have easily been a front-of-house staff member, but chose to do dishes instead because it’s a far more difficult and important job.

Thank you so much Smash Pipi. My life will never...

We booked for 8 people on a Friday and tables had to be pushed together when we arrived. After being given the menu, 2 of us tried to order the ribs platter. We were told they were out of ribs. We took another few minutes and tried reordering. My partner tried for the mussels entree and we were told they were also out of mussels. On the third try, we ordered 3 steaks, 4 salmon entrees, two calamari salads, prawns, a side of chicken wings, a burger and a few cocktails and mocktails.

The mains all came out at different times. The side of chicken which was advertised as having lashings of cheese and jalapeños came out with no cheese and no jalapeños. I ended up having to prove this to the waitress because she didn’t seem to believe me when I told her. They were fixed but I don’t call a jalapeño salsa the same as jalapeños.

The calamari salads were both cold and overcooked and didn’t have heirloom tomatoes (as advertised) and the “salad” was just lettuce drowned in dressing. The calamari itself was sub par at best.

All three steaks were ordered medium rare and came overcooked. The steak was served with a gravy but my steak had less gravy on it than the salad did - salad and gravy is not to my liking.

The prawns and the burger were well received.

The diligent reader will notice that I haven’t mentioned the salmon - it never came out. I approached the wait staff who just laughed and said that they hadn’t added it to our order. I chose to cancel the salmon and leave.

The cocktails were okay.

I feel like the manager is going to respond to this review and tell me that they served 300 people over the last day. Well fine, perhaps then the staff would know how to take and process an order? Perhaps they would recognise when meals come out without the full list of ingredients? Maybe, they would know that gravy doesn’t go on lettuce?

Heck, knowing that you will be serving 300 people, perhaps someone would think to stock the place accordingly (or at least let your patrons know as they enter that you are out of what would be their most requested dishes)?

In quite simple terms, we paid a heck of a lot of money for what amounted to being food that I would expect at...

My partner and i visited Smash Pippi twice over Anniversay weekend. First day was for a coffee where the young lady serving behind counter and on the till appeared to be quite stressed, didn't smile and felt that perhaps we should have gone elsewhere. Giving the benefit of the doubt we came back on our last day of our holiday for breakfast. Different lady served behind counter ordered breakfast, gave me no number and wasn't served with a smile. I went back and asked for a number 5mins later as realised they wouldn't know who ordered what. 40mins went past where we saw others come in after only to be served their breakfast. Upon asking one of the waiters we were told they were doing there best. To be upfront the girl forgot to put my order thru. Service needs to be improved, and the young ones need to learn customer service and serve with a smile. Food was beautiful service...