Soma Cafe — Restaurant in Millcreek

I was climbing at The Front today, finished my session, and was hit by the deepest of hunger. So I decided, “you know what? I’ll just eat here.”

So up I went to the cafe on the second floor. No one at the counter, but I found the QR code and placed my order. Not just any order. On the menu was the “Scorpion Wrap”. No description. No list of ingredients. Simply the name. “What that hell?” I thought, “I bet it’s got some kind of meat in it and it’s probably spicy. I feel daring.”

So I summoned my food from the faceless internet. A few minutes, like magic, the Scorpion Wrap was brought reverently over to me. It was much larger than I thought, and came with chips and salsa, presumably to balance out the chemical burn I was about to ingest.

It was delicious! But not only delicious, it was an outright panacea! My sinuses have never been more clear. My face was releasing things that have probably been contained in its depths since I was packing my nose with legos as a child. Now I’ve moved on to the second stage of the Scorpion Wrap’s healing aura: the full cleanse.

Many people hail juices and dark greens as cleansing diets. They pale in comparison to the Scorpion Wrap. The fire moving through me has pulled the toxins from my bone marrow, let alone any other part of my internal organs. If Ozzie Osborne ate a Scorpion Wrap he would be running marathons and publishing works of deep philosophy by the next afternoon.

Thank you, Soma. Your food is delicious and I will soon achieve a level of purity typically reserved for saints...

Coffee is alright, chai was excessively sweet, smoothies are good but ridiculously overpriced. Service tends to be pretty good. I wouldn't intentionally go here, but it's alright for a quick pick-me-up if you're already at the gym.

Update: Down from 3 to 2 stars. Cafe closed for several weeks with a sign saying they would reopen with a new menu. The cafe reopened and it appears that the menu has not changed. I paid $9 for a smoothie and received coconut milk with shredded spinach and some chunks of fruit that completely separated, not really a smoothie. The barista just shouted my name rather than bringing it to the table as they used to, I didn't hear her over the loud environment. I cannot recommend this cafe, which is a shame because it would be perfect for remote...

While I can't speak to the coffee or food at this place, I can say that it is located inside of the climbing gym and you have to be a member to get inside, they won't let you just go to the coffee shop. I almost ordered online and i'm glad I didn't. They need to make it clear that this coffee shop is for climbing gym members only and also make it so you cannot...