Homeport Restaurant — Restaurant in Orleans

Has God abandoned us? And, if so, why?

The answer lies in Orleans, Massachusetts at Homeport Restaurant. There, tucked deep in an oddly laid out parking lot off Main Street and Brewster Cross, one can find something approximating secular salvation - a profaning experience that is, at its heart, the truest expression of the inherent darkness of God’s greatest creation.

That Homeport Restaurant would be the equivalent not just to middle fingers raised defiantly toward the sky but also beyond that - to the absolute vanishment of hope - was probably not under consideration when the restaurant opened in a quiet portion of the outer Cape in 1968, unconcerned with the civil unrest reverberating throughout urban America.

Homeport offers traditional diner fare ranging from the vital all-day breakfast (e.g., omelets, corned beef and hash, Texas toast) to late model lunch/dinner options (e.g., cheeseburgers, club sandwiches, etc.). Of course, as a restaurant on Cape Cod, it provides traditional New England accents, such as fried fish and lobster rolls.

But it is not the traditional mid-century restaurant menu that caused our Creator to call it quits. Just as Victor Frankenstein failed to consider his relentless pursuit’s effects on the rest of humanity, so too has Homeport Restaurant. The difference between Frankenstein and Homeport is that society condemned Frankenstein for his monster. Homeport, however, recently celebrated its 50th anniversary - a societal mark of commendation if ever there was. But what great affront has humanity enshrined? Why has God abandoned us?

The Monte Cristo, built upon the croque monsieur, is a delicious, yet slightly deviant sandwich, full of saturated fats. In the 1960s through the 1980s, it often held its place on menus as the most decadent option available. Usually, nothing else would come close to its combination of fat and melted fat dipped in jelly, surely no other sandwich.

But the Monte Cristo is just humans in a brief dalliance with the devil. We do this sort of thing a lot. Surely the Lord knows how we like to tempt fate, but we always come back. We tend to believe that though the arc of the moral universe is long, it bends toward justice.

But Divine departure requires more than a dalliance or even human error. It requires an open embrace of nothing, lasting decades. Homeport has built a cannon, aimed it at Heaven, and left its customers to yell “Fire!,” which they do with reckless abandon. To date, there has been no response from on High. It’s not that God is dead; it is that God has simply given up.

True God-fearing men and women would not lay such an open challenge to the Divine, but the friendly staff of Homeport have assembled a menu that defiles the digestive tract. Take, for example, the Melted Cheddar Club. Imagine a Monte Cristo reimagined by Kierkegaard. A club sandwich not veiled in melted cheese, but draped in it. Its consumption requires a fork and knife, even for the filthiest among us. This molten mountain openly mocks the defining feature of its forebears: a sandwich should not be served with a steak knife.

If God has not abandoned us, then why has there been no comeuppance, no plague, no flood, nothing of consequence since the invention of the Cape Cod Patty Melt? It is simply an affront, not just on all that is holy but all that is, has been, or ever shall be. If Genesis were rewritten about a small town on Cape Cod, the Cape Cod Patty Melt would be the apple in the Garden, yet it is more than mere temptation. It is nihilism, sadism, and the unholy unity of a traditional Cape Cod turkey sandwich of turkey, cheese, jellied cranberry sauce, with stuffing optional and the simple, honest patty melt, a hamburger patty on a grilled cheese sandwich. Why do this? Why combine two perfectly fine sandwiches? Why menace existence with this abomination?

Ask the void where your God once stood proud.

Service: 5/5 Charm: 5/5 Food quality:...

A cozy small restaurant with additional counter seating. No children's menu, and quite frankly, more an adult place as it really is so small that unless your children are quiet like little Mice their sounds would be heard by everyone in this place. The Chowder was terrific. I had a well stacked BLT. The Bacon was tasty but obviously a precooked product. My dining companion ordered the Fish Reuben! He said it was very good and would have it again, although it was a bit messy to eat. Service was good but a bit rushed. As we came in at 1pm we were finishing as the Restaurant was preparing to close at 2:30. This, to me as a former restaurant owner, means no further diners after 2:30. However here, it seemed to mean all diners finished and out by 2:30. Hunh. And there were diners who arrived around 2pm who were still eating at that time. This did not deter the staff from starting their daily clean up, sweeping even though food was still being consumed, grabbing the flower arrangements off of the tables, banging furniture around generally creating a lot of, to me, unnecessary noise in the dining area. I said something to a Wait staff person who basically shrugged. ?? Also, earlier I needed more Napkins and asked another Wait person for some which she slapped down on the table. Again, ?? The whole end of Day attitude was off putting. Had MY staff acted in that manner when there were still patrons in the dining room, I would have stepped in and stopped it, perhaps even comping those discommoded Guests. Here, nothing was said. All in all, go early if you want to enjoy the good food here and avoid the " Leave now I want to go home attitude" evinced by...

Have been eating at this "local's and tourist's favorite" for thirty-plus years. Some things have changed, but the quality has only improved with time. The variety is there for those who want it; I go for the "Noah's One by One," which gets me a little of everything without being overwhelmed, and at a decent price.

AND IT COMES FAST.

In season, the wait can be long, but don't kid yourself if you're thinking you're gonna get the equivalent or better in the neighborhood.

If you want Dunkie's, there's one just up the street.

If you want a sit-down breakfast, wait it out and stay. And tip the servers here. Tipping in the US may have gotten out of hand, but here... meh, they do their jobs. If you don't have what you need, they get it for you, and they do it quickly and with a good attitude.

The ooooonly thing I wish they maybe might improve? The coffee isn't the best in the world. But if I'm in it for coffee, I go someplace else. :) This is the best place for: family breakfast, sit-down breakfast, counter breakfast, French Toast (however you want it), hot & fast, pancakes, cocoa with whipped cream, breakfast while you wait for Ramzi's (the barbershop across the street) or friend meet-ups.

In short? Go.

UPDATE FOR 2024 SEASON: STILL AWESOME. STILL NEED TO IMPROVE COFFEE. STILL RECOMMEND. (Best deals are Noah's One by One or Two By Two). I do wish they had...