Five Guys — Restaurant in Logan

I went there for the first time, today. I spent $24.37 and got a Little Bacon Cheeseburger (pictured) with lettuce and pickles, a small fries, a Coke and a milk shake with chocolate.

The burger was on a pathetically wilted bun. And it was kinda small, given that it cost over $10 (with tax). The meat and cheese (for which one is paying a premium) almost never shone through (the cheese, in particular), and I didn't really care for the pickles. (I like pickles that are sour, and I like pickles that are a bit sweet -- these were neither.) The bacon was high-quality and tasty, though.

The fries were very potato-y, meaning they mostly tasted like nothing (or salt) with the taste of the skin coming through every now and then. The milk shake was hard on the inside and runny on the outside, although the chocolate flavor was absolutely the meal's stand-out.

Also, about the fries: I ordered a small, and my bag had a cup full of fries, and then another little tray dumped into the bag, with the burger on the bottom. (Quite literally 'dumped,' by the way; I was a bit taken aback when I saw it happen.) Was this really a 'small' fries? I hope so; I have a calorie target to maintain -- I'm counting on you (the Five Guys employee) to deliver the number of calories stated on the menu.

Anyhow... Let's compare this place to In 'n Out, where I could have gotten a Double Double (minus tomato, add onion), fries, coke and chocolate shake for more like $13. With In 'n Out, you're not paying a premium for extra-high quality meat and cheese (the flavor and texture of which is going to get drowned out anyhow, unless you get your burger with no toppings), although In 'n Out doesn't offer bacon. The fries at In 'n Out are different-but-equally mediocre, although they cost half as much -- and they also don't make such a 'centerpiece' of themselves; at In 'n Out, I eat the fries as I eat the burger. At Five Guys, I felt compelled to eat the fries separately, which I didn't care for. The chocolate shake at In 'n Out doesn't have anywhere near the flavor of Five Guys' chocolate shake, but it has a superior texture (for a shake, anyhow; the Five Guys shake was almost certainly made from superior ice cream), and the In 'n Out shake costs half as much.

So what did paying ~$24 at Five Guys get me? Frills that I barely noticed, a sucky bun, bacon which was crispy and tasty, delicious chocolate in my otherwise-'fine but not great' shake and equally mediocre fries. (And a Coke, which was $0.40 more for 22oz at Five Guys, although I could have gotten refills if I'd eaten at the restaurant.)

Advice to myself: Just go to In 'n Out, next time.

Thoughts on calories and price: This meal gave me 2148 calories. I was expecting this to be my only meal of the day, but it's already put me slightly over target for the day, with only 61 grams of protein. (I currently aim for 110 grams per day; I'm gonna go mix some protein powder into water to make up the difference). For comparison, the $13 meal at In 'n Out gives 1901 calories. In other words, the cost per calorie at Five Guys is though the roof -- $1.13 per 100 calories; by comparison, the roughly-equivalent -- albeit no bacon -- In 'n Out meal works out to about $0.69 per 100 calories, and a typical day of just eating at home comes out to around $0.60 per 100 calories. The ratio of $1.13 / $0.69 is about 1.637 -- in other words, I paid about a 64% premium over In 'n Out for the Five Guys food.

Is Five Guys worth a 64% premium over In 'n Out? Not in my opinion. Not by a longshot. (Not with those mediocre, salty, overpriced fries, anyhow.)

Note to Five Guys: You have good ingredients in your burgers and shakes. But please, up your preparation. (Also, stating the source of the potatoes used in the fries on a whiteboard wasn't compelling to me. Think other places in the area got their potatoes from the exact same farm? I do, but that's just a guess. But still, you want to advertise it, like it's some kind of status symbol. ...

Here's the sad truth about five guys. And maybe this is just my experience with this location and it being the only five guys I've ever been to. I have heard all my life about how amazing Five Guys is and how it's the best burger ever. But in the last two years since I started going to this Five Guys and trying it for the first time and giving it chance after chance, I can't believe that this place is as popular as it is. I'm genuinely amazed that anybody even comes here. I've tried at different times of day only to be disappointed each time. At first I thought that my food was soggy and gross because I came at a time when the food was just going to be older, but then I tried earlier in the morning, then I tried later at night. Same thing. My food has always been consistently disgusting, and what's the worst part of it is that it's been consistently soggy. When I get a burger I want the bun to be dry, soft maybe, but definitely not soaking with juices. And when I get fries I don't want them to be old and stale, and they are consistently old and stale. I don't think I've ever had a hot batch of fries from this Five Guys location. Not to mention that yesterday the last time that I went, I ordered a burger with jalapenos on it and it didn't even come with jalapenos. It's just been very disappointing and I've become pretty disgusted with the effort that's put into the food that's made here, and with how gross my food ends up being. I've even tried eating in, but it's the same thing. You know what's the worst part, now that I think about it is the fact that when you get your bag your food is all smashed together. The burger is on the bottom and the fries are all just dumped on top of your burger, just absolutely smashed and obliterated. I should have taken a picture of my burger before I threw it away, because it was smashed in half by whoever had put my burger in the bag. I'm genuinely going to beg you while not to come to this location. They need to learn their lesson that if they want business they need to deserve it, they need to do work that is deserving of our money. But they don't, and they don't care and that's what's fairly obvious these days. This location is probably the most disgusting...

This week, I was gifted a fish tank by my cousin. After a rough year in quarantine, I had made the firm commitment that I was going to become a father to a brand new betta fish, and I couldn't have been more excited; a new friend AND a sense of responsibility!

It's Thursday evening, and after coming home from work and showering, I decided that today was the day! I was going to buy a fish. The lady at PetSmart was super helpful to an untrained peasant such as myself, and I ended up with a beautiful male black orchid betta. I was so excited. Clutching his little soda-sized holding container, I knew I had to keep him warm until I made it home and I could set up his tank.

But first, a quick stop at Five Guys! I was famished, and knew I wouldn't have the focus to make dinner whilst caring for my new aquatic friend. We entered the restaurant, and shortly I was greeted at the counter by Sophie, an incredible employee who deserves a raise and all the recognition management is able to offer. She was so excited to meet my new fish, and was very friendly as I told her my tale.

When I mentioned that I hadn't named him yet, her face (or at least the unmasked top half of it) lit up with excitement! "Flavio!" she said. "you should name him Flavio."

I pondered over the name for a short while, then I knew. His true fish parents, had they the vocal cords and speech capabilities of us homo-sapiens, would have wanted that his name be as such.

My Five Guys experience was even better than I remembered it being from my childhood, and I made two new friends that day, Flavio and Sophie!

Thank you Sophie/the entire Five Guys crew,...