Crawfish Cafe — Restaurant in Pearland

If there was ever a review that deserved to be written in gold leaf and framed in the Louvre, this is it. What Jolene did for me goes far beyond customer service — this was an orchestrated masterpiece of hospitality, luxury, and sheer dedication to the craft of making a guest feel like a god among mortals.

It all started before I even left my house. At precisely 4:44 PM, I received a knock on my door. I opened it to find a chauffeur standing next to a blacked-out stretch limousine — engine humming, fresh flowers in the back seat, Drake softly playing through crystal-clear speakers. Compliments of Jolene, of course.

This wasn’t just any limo ride either. There was chilled sparkling water from the French Alps, imported snacks flown in from Italy, and a handwritten letter from Jolene herself welcoming me to what she called “an evening of unforgettable greatness.”

The limo took me straight to IAH airport — not because I was flying out of town — but because Jolene had arranged for her personal Gulfstream G650 jet to fly me across town from IAH to Hobby Airport. Why? For dramatic effect. For style points. For legend status.

I touched down at Hobby in record time. Another limo (different color, of course, because details matter) whisked me away to Crawfish Cafe, where things reached levels of absurd luxury I didn’t even know were possible.

As I approached the restaurant, I noticed — no, witnessed — an active construction crew working tirelessly, pouring concrete, installing chandeliers, and erecting a brand new wing of the restaurant labeled simply: “The Quyen Lounge.”

This wasn’t just a private dining area. This was a cathedral of crawfish.

Inside, Jolene greeted me wearing an all-white power suit, sunglasses, and holding a clipboard — because of course she did. She informed me that the crawfish being served tonight were hand-selected, individually, by divers in the swamps of Louisiana. These crawfish were fed organic diets, listened to classical music, and were transported via armored truck directly to my table.

Each crawfish was plated like an art exhibit. Jolene had personally flown in a celebrity chef from New Orleans to prepare them tableside — and between courses, a live jazz band played my Spotify playlist (somehow she knew my top songs).

At the end of the meal, Jolene presented me with a custom engraved gold toothpick (???), a certificate of authenticity for my meal, and informed me that a commemorative plaque with my name would be installed outside the restaurant so that future generations would know what happened here tonight.

As I left, fireworks erupted over the Houston skyline — because of course they did.

5 stars. 6 stars. Infinity stars. Jolene didn’t just raise the bar — she launched it into space. If you come here and don’t request Jolene, you’re not living — you’re...

Where do I even begin? Words cannot possibly do justice to the absolutely divine level of service I received from Audrey at this crawfish establishment. From the moment I walked through the door, it felt like I had stepped into royalty — no, scratch that — deity level treatment.

As soon as I arrived, Audrey must have sensed my presence because within seconds, a literal red carpet was rolled out at my feet. I don’t know where it came from. I don’t know how she did it. One moment I was stepping onto concrete — the next moment I was gliding on velvet luxury like I was entering the Met Gala of seafood.

She greeted me by name — although I never told her — and escorted me to my table like I was the guest of honor at a five-star palace. Before I could even glance at the menu, Audrey had already anticipated my every desire. She brought out a warm lavender-scented towel and gently wiped the Houston heat from my brow.

When the crawfish arrived, this is where her legendary service truly ascended to god-tier status. Not only did she peel the crawfish for me with perfect precision (I swear she didn’t break a single tail), but she personally fed them to me — making sure to dip them in the perfect amount of seasoned butter beforehand. And between each bite, she would gently dab the corners of my mouth with a cloth embroidered with my initials (which again, I did not give her).

But wait — it gets better. Mid-meal, I casually joked about how refreshing grapes would be… moments later, Audrey reappeared with a full vine of the freshest, most pristine grapes I have ever seen in my life. I don’t know if she grew them out back or summoned them from Napa Valley, but she fed them to me one by one like I was Caesar himself.

Every drink refill appeared before my glass even got halfway empty. She even fanned me with a palm leaf (I genuinely don’t know where she got it) and adjusted the lighting above my table for “optimal Instagram photo conditions.”

By the end of my meal, I was convinced I wasn’t just a customer — I was family… royalty… a living legend in the kingdom of crawfish, all thanks to Audrey.

If I could give her 6 stars, I would. Honestly, this wasn’t customer service — this was an experience. If you come here and don’t ask for Audrey, you’re...

I was excited to try Crawfish Cafe and unfortunately I had much higher expectations than I should have. While nothing we ate was terrible, it wasn't really that good either. The crawfish eggrolls we're a decent appetizer. I ordered a grilled shrimp po-boy with sweet potato fries for my entree. It took an extremely long time to come out and my husband's entree of the crawfish half and half (crawfish etoufee with fried crawfish) was not with it. To my disappointment , the po-boy was not edible. The French bread was toasted so hard, it literally crumbled when I pressed it with the tip of my finger and the sweet potato fries were so greasy, they were inedible as well. Maybe some people like extra greasy fries and hard French bread sandwiches, but I'm not of them. I sent it all back and asked to have what my husband was having. His order came out about 5 minutes later and it looked good, but tasted sub par. The ratio of rice to crawfish etoufee was way off. It was supposed to be 1/3 of fried crawfish, 1/3 rice, and 1/3 etoufee. It was more like 1/2 rice and 1/4 of the other two. The etoufee also had too much celery and onion and it tasted "fishy". All the while he ate, I was still waiting for my meal. Even after the manager stopped by to confirm that I was waiting for the order, to which I asked for it to be boxed up to go, the order never came. I cancelled and we paid for what we ate and left. A kid at another table had some Mac and cheese and looked very dry... I would describe the food as edible at best, I was disappointed in the entire experience. We won't...