Course: Sip History: Cocktails Through the Ages Instructors: James & Kayla
Let me preface this by saying I signed up for "Sip History" because I thought it would be a chill evening learning why an Old Fashioned is called an Old Fashioned. I did not read the fine print about the "immersive historical reenactments" or the "hazardous aquatic taxidermy clause."
The class started normally enough. Kayla, our brilliant and slightly unhinged historian, was explaining the rum trade in the 1700s with the passionate fervor of a pirate queen. James, the mixologist, was calmly demonstrating the perfect muddling technique for a Mojito. I was taking notes, sipping, and enjoying myself. It was educational!
Then we hit the week on "Shark-Infested Waters: The Grog & Gin Era." Kayla was describing the perilous voyages of British naval ships when the projector flickered. A low, ominous cello note played from nowhere (Kayla later admitted it was her Spotify "dramatic ambiance" playlist). The door to the supply closet burst open.
It was a shark. A full-grown, 10-foot Great White. I’m not a marine biologist, but the rows of teeth and the dead, black eyes were a pretty clear identifier.
Panic. Sheer, unadulterated panic. Chairs flew. Someone screamed, "MY PORTFOLIO!" (It was a finance guy). The shark, which we later learned was named Bartholomew and was a rental from a very sketchy prop house, began thrashing around, knocking over bottles of vermouth and simple syrup.
But James. James didn't even flinch.
As the shark lunged for the ice well, James sidestepped with the grace of a matador, never spilling a drop of the Angostura bitters he was holding. "Now, you'll notice the shark adds a certain... briny tension to the atmosphere," he said, his voice calm as a frozen lake. "Much like the British sailors experienced."
While Kayla bravely fended off Bartholomew with a rolled-up map of the Caribbean trade routes, shouting fascinating facts about maritime insurance law, James continued his demonstration.
"The key to a flawless Sazerac," he announced, as the shark's tail sent a stack of glasses crashing to the floor, "is to rinse the glass with absinthe, but not to let the existential terror of a predator dilute the mixture."
He then chilled a glass, strained the cocktail, and garnished it with a twist of lemon, all while performing a series of evasive maneuvers that would make Neo from The Matrix proud. He even used a splash of the saltwater now sloshing on the floor to "adjust for the humidity in the room."
He handed me the cocktail. It was, without a doubt, the best drink I have ever had in my life. I’m pretty sure I saw a tiny umbrella in it that wasn’t there a second ago.
By the time security (who were clearly in on it) arrived with a giant net and a bucket of chum, Kayla had managed to give Bartholomew a PowerPoint presentation on the economic impact of shark attacks on the spice trade, and he seemed genuinely chastened.
So, would I recommend Sip History? Absolutely. You haven't truly tasted a cocktail until you've tasted one crafted in the face of certain doom. James is a liquid wizard, and Kayla is a fearless historian who makes history feel dangerously alive. Just maybe wear a wetsuit. And bring a...
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