River and Woods — Restaurant in Boulder

I arrived at River and Woods not for nourishment, but for something stranger—connection, perhaps. Or confrontation. The sun hung high over Boulder like a smug, incandescent spectator as my brunch companion and I met beneath the arbor. A woman of peculiar grace and fungal obsession, she had suggested the location with a kind of casual authority that made it clear I had no choice in the matter. So there I was, willingly shackled to a table at 1:00 p.m., brunch o’clock for the spiritually disoriented.

Let us speak first of the Hen + Pig, a name that reads like the beginning of a folk horror screenplay. Over-easy eggs—delicately ruptured—spilled their golden marrow onto seasoned potatoes with a laziness I found admirable. The sausage patties were unapologetically handmade, dense with conviction and fat. Challah toast arrived with butter and jam that tasted like the childhood you almost had. This was not breakfast. This was an edible séance.

As for my libations—two Beast of Bourbon cocktails. Spiced pear liqueur, citrus, bitterness… I’ve known therapists with less insight into the human condition. Each sip was a reminder that pleasure, when properly engineered, is indistinguishable from revelation.

She ordered the Old School Breakfast Sandwich, a name that doesn’t do justice to the architectural elegance of its structure. Scrambled eggs, cheddar, arugula—yes, arugula, the leaf of choice for those who believe life is a riddle not meant to be solved. All this on a housemade English muffin so perfect it made me question the authenticity of my childhood memories. Her drink of choice: two Mai Palomas, deceptively pink, bracingly alive. Tequila, grapefruit, almond, habanero bitters. I watched her drink them with the cold poise of a woman who knows exactly where your soft spots are.

What is River and Woods? It is not a restaurant. It is a fever dream curated by people who understand that nostalgia is best served with a wedge of citrus and a dash of bitters. The food is exceptional, yes—but more importantly, it knows that it’s exceptional. And like all great art, it demands something from you in return.

Would I return? Perhaps. But only under similar conditions: good company, strong drinks, and the faint suspicion that the world is about to come undone.

Five stars. One for each stage of brunch-induced...

I hate to leave a sub par review for a local place but it was just that. After reading all the reviews I went in with high expectations for date night. The house is cute but its definitely small so you down have privacy from your dining neighbors. Not the end Iof the world at all just a heads up if you're looking for that. First we felt very very rushed. I get post Covid and trying to turn tables but we put in our order and our main dish came out before our appetizer. Then they took it back and brought the appetizer then brought back the main course which you know sat under a heat lamp because the potatoes were hard on top. The $25 crab cakes appetizer were not worth $25. I guess for that price I really expected them to be amazing. We got the short ribs and it was also very mediocre. Short rib is one of my go to's when I go out because making it at home is an all day affair and I don't get to do it often. The meat was decent. I am really open when it comes to food an trying new things but whatever was in the mashed potatoes made them so sour we didn't eat them. Plenty of broccoli which was fresh and crisp but had almost no flavor. The black and blue margarita was good...I didn't have the black salt on mine though so the black is missing in the picture. Being disappointed in dinner we didn't order coffee or dessert. So them comes the bill. "Fair wage fee" What?! How about you pay your workers a fair wage and allow your patrons to decide how to tip on their service because I didn't get 20% gratuity service. 15% at best. There was also no sign upon entering about this. Nothing at the table and it's tucked under the bill when it comes to the table. You'd think a big thing like that would be linked on your home page especially since you do digital menus but no, it's hidden under policies. I wonder how many people don't really look at their bill and end up tipping another 20% on top of this? I was just really turned off by this and for me it's is the first time I've experienced the new charge Forced tipping just doesn't sit well. I always tip and I generally tip 20% or more when I have good service but I want the option to decide what my tip is not have it forced on me. I probably would have been less irked if the food and service had been better. All in all for us wasn't a...

We booked a large party for a birthday celebration. Four of our party was running late and as a courtesy we let them know. One person did not order food - at this point they came out and announced we would be charged $20 for any adult who did not eat. When we asked to see the policy/speak to the manager, they said they would skip that charge, but we would be charged for any seats that weren't filled.

They repeatedly sent our waitress back to speak with us, versus having a manager speak to us. When she finally came out, she said they could have sat other people, and it wasnt fair to the restaurant if we had a table for 15 but only had 13 people present.

There are open tables as I write this. There were open tables the entire time.

The food was okay. My duck wings were cold in the middle but the flavor was good. The food was not delivered until after this altercation, which was 100 minutes AFTER our reservation (and several of us were here early). That's over an hour and a half we had 2 empty seats they intended to charge us for when they weren't serving our food.

We checked the website, the menu, the reservation confirmation. There is NOTHING that said we would have a $20 penalty for any seats empty, for adults not eating, or for any other issues.

I will never, for any reason, eat at this restaurant again. They tried to bring the check before half the table was even served. And if you want to make an arbitrary rule half way through our meal, have the backbone to come speak with us and not send the waitress back over and over with different ways to charge us money for things we haven't done or didn't order.

Terrible service. Food was cold. Management was rude. But hey, there seems to be a table at any time....

Also? There was an "upcharge" for getting anything besides mustard or ketchup on the burger. Not just cheese - lettuce, tomatoes and pickles were extra.

This...