IHOP tumon — Restaurant in Tamuning Municipality

IHOP: Where Desperation Meets Breakfast

IHOP isn't usually my go-to. I generally prefer the culinary stylings of me, in my kitchen, with seasoning. But on this fateful day, I had no kitchen, two ravenous kids, and a dwindling will to live. So, to IHOP we went—a decision fueled by hunger, chaos, and the crushing weight of parenting.

The Kids' Pancake Adventure The children, of course, were THRILLED. Baby Girl went full sugar gremlin and chose the Birthday Celebration Pancakes—basically a dessert disguised as breakfast, topped with whipped cream that looked like it had been applied by a ghost... in a sauna. I'm not saying it melted—I’m saying it gave up. But hey, aesthetics aside, she said they were “mid,” which in Gen Z speak means “not terrible enough to cry about.” Victory.

Mr. Man, ever the purist, ordered plain pancakes. You can't mess those up unless you're actively trying to start a pancake-based revolution. He was content. He even ignored the fancy syrup options and stuck with classic maple. A man of tradition and few surprises.

My Country Fried Life Choices I went for the country fried steak because my body was in survival mode and screaming for protein and grease. It arrived before I could take a photo, because hunger overrules Instagram every time. The steak? Surprisingly crispy. The gravy? Chamorro-style, salty, and somehow better than it had any right to be. Fries instead of hash browns—because apparently, this IHOP only stocks potatoes in every form except the one breakfast was built on. The fries were unsalted, but the gravy made up for it by assaulting my sodium receptors directly.

Final Thoughts Would I go to IHOP on purpose again? No. Would I go if my kids were starving, I was kitchen-less, and society was on the brink? Absolutely. Honestly, the food did its job. No one cried. Everyone ate. And I briefly considered ordering another country fried steak just to feel...

The food was as expected, but there were no options for a smaller breakfast. To get what I wanted (two eggs, bacon and hash browns that were not hash browns but, as another reviewer pointed out, just cubes of potatoes), I had to order a breakfast that included (in addition to what I wanted) french toast, pancakes, sausage links and a couple of slices of ham, none of which I really wanted. When I sat down the table was sticky in a couple of spots and I got syrup on my hands and wrists where they rested on the edge of the table. The back of the menu was equally sticky. As there was no rest room associated with this restaurant (that is part of a mall ...who knew, I entered from the sidewalk outdoors) I had to exit the restaurant into the mall and go up one level to the 2nd floor to find the men's room which had no soap in either of the broken dispensers. Once back at my seat, I managed to unintentionally find syrup still remaining on the edge of my table. I was able to flag down a server and use her rag myself to give the table a proper touch-up. I'm not usually one to complain about small things but something about this place just rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed a bit pricey but in reality, island living is not cheap. I should have stuck to the breakfast buffet at my hotel which was comparable in price and far superior. The staff was attentive though, I'll give them...

Started off with a bang being served iced tea so old that it was cloudy. When I pointed it out our server told me that they would have to make a new batch so I got water instead.

I ordered the chicken and bacon waffles only to have it served without the sauce (the reason I wanted it) the server claimed the kitchen didn't tell her they were out, but she knew immediately they didn't have it when I asked where it was so I think she was trying to throw the kitchen under the bus.

I ordered something else only to have the server have to come ask me again. Despite that, the order still came out wrong- rice instead of hash browns, eggs undercooked sunny instead of over easy and chewy bacon that had been sitting all morning. It also took 20 minutes to get that, except the toast that came 10 minutes before the rest.

I had to ask for the manager because despite all of this I couldn't even get an apology. They took care of our bill, which was fine, but I got the impression this was par for the course.

In addition there were dirty dishes on empty tables despite only being about half full. Wallpaper peeling away from the walls. Floors dirty with table debris all over.

Horrible experience. Definitely not worth $15-25 a plate. I won't be...