Glory Hole Park — Attraction in Aspen

GLORY HOLE PARK: A Name, A Sanctuary, A Lifestyle.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d willingly enter a Glory Hole in Aspen, yet here I am, a changed man. 😌 The mere discovery of this location sent me into a downward spiral of curiosity and intrigue. How could such an unholy name exist in a place so dominated by wealth, status, and overpriced ski gear??? 🤯 Naturally, I had no choice but to visit this legendary hole three times.

Upon my first pilgrimage to the Hole, I was instantly greeted by a sight so majestic, so profoundly moving, that I nearly shed a single tear (which immediately froze because, you know, Aspen ❄️). Ducks. Hundreds of them. Congregating in the steamy waters, existing in a pure, unfiltered utopia—an existence Aspenites could never comprehend. 😤 But alas, I had nothing to offer them, and as an honorable visitor of the Hole, I vowed to return with sustenance.

The next day, I ventured into City Market (the only place in Aspen where a peasant like me can feel somewhat financially comfortable) and acquired what I believed to be a gourmet offering: a bag of frozen peas. Why peas? Because the almighty Google deemed them a duck delicacy. Upon returning to the Hole, I excitedly tossed these GMO-certified orbs of nutrition into the pond, expecting a feathery feeding frenzy. What did I receive in return? Unforgivable betrayal. 💔 The ducks took one look at my peas, scoffed (figuratively), and went about their business. Only a select few sigma male ducks (Andrew Tate if he was a mallard) had the gall to devour the peas, proving their superiority over their weak-minded, peasant duck brethren. 🦆😤

Unwilling to accept defeat, I retreated to do further research into the psychology of duck cuisine. That night, after hours of intense scholarly analysis (one Google search), I came upon the Holy Grail: corn. 🤯 The next morning, I returned to City Market, purchasing the most organic, hand-crafted, fair-trade, grass-fed frozen corn I could find. Back at the Hole, I unleashed my newfound offering, and let me tell you… IT. WAS. GLORIOUS. 🥹 The ducks lost their minds. They descended upon the corn like Aspen socialites at a Prada sample sale. I even tossed some onto the frozen part of the pond, which led to a mass migration of feathery chaos. In their mindless hunger, they failed to notice that their combined weight was sinking the ice. Within 30 seconds, they sank the entire frozen section of the pond. It was both terrifying and beautiful.

Some additional legendary moments from my experiences at Glory Hole: ✅ I successfully snuck up and touched several ducks (possibly making history). ✅ I hand-fed a few, proving that I am, in fact, a duck whisperer. ✅ I developed a personal duck color bias (Green-headed chads brown commoners). ✅ I considered leaving a corn trail into town to lure the ducks into Moncler, Dior, and other Aspenite elitist fortresses. Imagine their horror. The rich cannot comprehend the simple joy of ducks.

Final thoughts: Glory Hole Park is a refreshing break from Aspen’s consumeristic vapidness. While the Aspenite elite spend their days debating which $14,000 ski jacket to wear for their "one run before après-ski" lifestyle, Glory Hole Park remains an oasis of unfiltered nature, free of judgment, free of excess, and most importantly… free of Aspenites. It is sacred. It is pure. It is Glory. Hole. Park.

Aspenites could never. 😌

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ 100/10 would return with...

It's a pleasant area and a very well maintained park. The location is a little obscure, so you never know when somebody might be coming. It often takes you by surprise when someone else comes in, but the more...

Nice and secluded park. Outside of the populated park/trail by the parking lot, not too many places in town to chill out at. Won’t be back, but I’ll remember...