Thai Body Kinetics — Local services in New York

Part 1

Chapter 1: Having your face ground into the dirt by a 4'9" asian lady

I think it would be fair to say I approached this with an obvious lack of awareness called "what the hell am i doing?" It did not diminish at any point.

The parlor is neslted right across from the new york public library, up in one of the fanciest elevators that leads to one of the most 80s corporate hallways. The ambience is quite relaxing. During my hour there i was completely unaware of the literal arabic rave happening across the street. Within these mismatched walls is a very courteous staff.

Just know if they chuckle, youre out of your depth and about to die. I elicited 3 chuckles throughout the course of my visit.

You start off laying facedown on a floor mat. Its quite pleasant, and you realize you wouldve paid just to do this and sleep restfully for a bit. This i a ruse to lull you into a false security when the Staff asks you if you want "gentle or firm." Being that this is a paid experience, i figured i would want 100% of said experience:

We all must learn to temper our hubris through tribulation.

Now, if you are unaware how this thing called breathing works, air fills your lungs and expands your chest. This means your body shifts upwards. This is marginally more difficult when there is 120 Pounds of force intentionally driving your torso further toward the ground. An added factor is that due to my fantastic feivel heritage, my nasal passages were being shut in a way best described as Robin Williams merchant from Alladdin when the camera zoomed in.

The more you struggle to breathe, the more your masseuse chuckles.

As you go on you realize just how little you understand the concept of a thai massage. As my lower neck was kneaded by what I assumed were heels, i felt a pressure near my legs and realized that if I were vertical this lady would have been a backpack.

A very small, muscular backpack with an excellent sense of leverage and how extracting information from hardened soldiers unwilling to share works.

Moving back to the upper body, she was very attuned to whatever area needed the most attention, which she determined to be my shoulders and arms. She stretched my arm out behind me and pulled and pressed it in way I was only vaguely aware that my fingers were involuntarily curling up like a dead spider each time. She then pulled my arm back, similar to how in cop shows police do to a tackled suspect. She pulled my arm, rolling my torso toward her; allowing my head to turn and enjoy some much needed nasal airway function. As she laid my arms back into a neutral position it suddenly occurred to me she moved with such precision that if necessary, she could easily position a body into whatever would match the framed cause of death.

Chapter 2: Human Origami The leg portion was a fascinating way to find out that your body can bend far further than you think. Not that it SHOULD but that it CAN. If you attend this parlor you too can know what its like to find yourself bent into shapes such as 'Ikea Barstool,' 'Music-box Figurine,' and my personal favorite, the 'Inside-out Frog. If you decide to follow my treadings, be sure to wear your best and most discreet pair of briefs. Maybe black ones. I recalled I was wearing red and white checkered boxes. This earned me my third chuckle. I do appreciate the care taken to put the draping sheet into folds and joints of your limbs to as to protect what little remains of your dignity at this point.

A few minutes later you are aware that the lights have undimmed and you are suddenly alone as if waking from a visceral alien abduction or perhaps a contortionists hangover. You meagerly gather your clothes and belongings and exit the room, where you are cheerfully greeted as if this person or their affiliates werent just subjecting you to an hour of pysio-therapeutic torture.

But hey now I can touch...

An honest and detailed review: It’s a very small place with two rooms and a tiny balcony sized area in the name of reception/outside the rooms. The bathroom is outside the facility which is the common building bathroom. When we went in for a couples massage they had two females, one a permanent employee, another ad-hoc, there just for our massage perhaps. The massage was okayish, nothing extraordinary. The most negative part of the experience was the forced tip. The ad-hoc female forced us to tip 20% by showing us the exact tip amount she/they wanted on her/their phone in Apple Notes to us. We asked if the tip amount is being asked on the Groupon price (yes, they are on Groupon) or website price, she/they said something in Thai to the permanent female which obviously we didn’t understand, then with an extra polite attitude and smile enforced that we have to pay 20% tip. We obliged as we didn’t want to argue with them (by the way, we sensed a fake over-pleasantness in their body language where they were trying to be extra sweet & smiley), and left a 20% cash tip for each of them.

Point to be noted here, their 20% tip calculation was on an amount which didn’t add up to the amount even without Groupon and while we got couple massage they asked tips on two individual massage rates (not on the website either!). We planned to tip 20% on the original couples massage price on the website, but the calculation was completely made-up, extra and forced.

It was clearly not a pleasant experience as tips can’t be forced legally, and secondly, we as customers should have the choice to choose if and how much we want to tip for the quality of service we receive. Also, the owner lady wasn’t there and only texts on phone (doesn’t even take calls).

We won’t ever be returning here and suggest other people to avoid this place unless you are okay paying a forced 20% tip amount no matter how much you innately desire to tip based on your individual experience. We are not against tips but these sly and forceful tips are not nice and respectful to customers. They are a clear exploitation of a customer than a request for additional (& completely voluntary!) monetary praise/support for the...

This place is tiny, dirty, and the massages weren’t good :(

My friend wanted to treat us to a couples massage for our birthdays, and I picked this place because it was a little more affordable than alternative Thai massage places in the area and the pictures looked good. This was NOT what the pictures described.

The room I was in was small, with elevated tables (not the floor mats in the photos). The place was dingy. There was a smell. The air conditioner was so loud it drowned out the sound of the masseuses and the music. The doors had layers of hand grease on the edges. The bathroom, shared with other offices on the floor, had a puddle of water in it. I was surprised when my massage was over, and it felt incomplete.

Finally, we paid for addons — champagne and chocolates for $30, and aromatherapy for I think an additional $30.

Yall, the champagne and chocolates were 4 pieces of Ferraro rochers. And one glass of champagne. And we had to eat it in the narrow hallway while the masseuses stood there. And I don’t even know when they used the aromatherapy.

It came out to $400...